Friends...

I am someone who believes friends are family, chosen family instead of blood family, but family. The older I grow, the more I value the people I consider friends and what their impact is in my life. There was a time when I was growing up in Colombia during which I was always on my own, hiding in the library at school or finding protection from my classmates by hanging out with teachers during the breaks. I was well aware that anyone who befriended me would be rejected and possibly bullied as well, situation I was already in, and while I longed for friends, I didn't want anybody else to experience what I was going through.
I did make some friends in school, D., MC ( my oldest friend, we have been friends for over 25 years!), MJ, T, and there were a few guys who were ok being in the same team with me (CS, G), but all in all it was a lonely time, and made me more introverted than I already was. I continuously felt I was walking on eggs and any wrong word could make me even more lonely, so that I restrained myself from being myself to keep my few friends.
During my last years in school I was lucky and  met a group of kids from different schools who saw me for who I was and were not related to my school and the labels I had there. I found myself as part of a group of friends: I was invited to hang out with them and they would meet me if I invited for something, we would grab lunch on Saturdays and sometimes go to the movies, or just sit in the park and chat for hours. I was 16 years old.

That experience was half of my life ago, and I still carry it with me. Since then I have had times that resemble the initial years, and times that are closer to my last years in school and, despite my age I still struggle with the later. 

I have made friends over the years, many of them traveling and at work, and most recently in my beloved Beantown (aka home) volunteering. Each of them is special, each of them has touched my life in at least one way, but they all have been part of my life and thus the friendships we have or had are still in me. 

Friendship is a blessing, friends are treasures, and it's easier to live life and love life with friends. 

Destiny as a labyrinth

The definition of destiny changes from person to person. For some, destiny is what they envision, while others take a more relaxed approach at it and think of destiny as the place where they are meant to get to, independently of the path they take.Regardless of how we define it, it is in our hands to lead our life and to live every day to its potential.

A quick look at how a regular day in life goes is a proof that we live in two universes at the same time: on one hand we do our best to enjoy what we have at that time, on the other hand we try to imagine what our future will be like. We shape the ideas for our future based on what we learn, whom we meet and what goals we acquire as time goes. The goal we had last week might change, and the reasons for it to change can be so varied it would not be possible to cover them all. Some people discover their passion during a trip, others might meet a person who re-defines priorities or find that their base plan is no longer feasible and find themselves forced to make a change. Parenthood is also known as one of the factors that leads to changes in goals, as are near death experiences and changes in the structure of the work organizations. 

Over the years my goals have changed from time to time: sometimes I re-take goals I have dropped and decide to pursue them, other times I find myself noticing that some goal I have carried for years has lost meaning and in other cases I simply find something that motivates me more and the new thing becomes a goal and a lighthouse. Regardless of why I changed my goals, or why I might change them in the future, one thing I have learnt is that things happen for a reason, and, while not necessary easy to see at the beginning, is always for the greater good. 

Two years ago, when I left the company I had worked for over six years and which I loved I felt lost and sad - I must admit I still miss the company, the people and working in a more structured environment - however, I also know that had it not been for my departure, I would not have had the courage to take the time off I did. It was in those months volunteering in South East Asia that I confirmed my love for helping others, for encouraging people to keep trying, and found a new passion, which now dictates most of my time off work. 

Leaving that company allowed me to great wonderful people, getting to know a bit more about the younger-and feared- Generation Y and how their world differs from mine, meeting people on the road while travelling, friendships that I hope remain for life, and find myself again. At the same time it allowed me to pick up back on goals I had dropped years ago (Like the FE/PE) and look at them through a more adult lens than I did when I first intended to reach them. 

Life is a labyrinth, and everything that happens can either push us up or down. It is in our hands to find why an opportunity is given to us, or taken away from us. Chances are, something great will come out of it. 

My updated Bucket list

A few years ago I wrote a list of 10 things I really really want to do in my life (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2011/09/10-things-i-want-to-do-before-i-die.html)
Looking back at mmy life in the past 18 months, since I left the perfect job at the perfect company (but in the very very unhappy country for me!), I have been able to achieve some of them.

Items 1-4 have not changed: I still want to have a dog- a beagle- and name him Toby. I do live in an apartment that allows pets, so I guess I can make it happen as soon as I find a way of not being SO late back home from work!:) I still want to learn to pilot an airplane (despite the fact that 1 of the 2 people whose opinion matters to me does not trust me as a car driver!) , and I will, sometime in the future. I want to go to the Antarctica to see the emperor penguins, I just need to build up enough reputation at work so that I can take a long vacation to go, and I want to learn to play the piano.

When I look at the next points, there is some update to be done.
My past blog, T-3 (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2013/11/t-3.html) was written at a very critical point in my life. Over 18 months have gone by, and looking back at how I was feeling I feel compelled to give an update: I did not get to move back to the city I love and work in a known industry. Things did not workout the ideal way for me, so I did take a different path, and am happy about it :) After day 3 came I found out my ideal option was not to be, I resigned my job, packed my boxes and backpack and started an 8 month adventure: I first returned home for 3 months and worked there. I traveled as much as safety allowed it. I would have loved to go to the cardinal points, but truth is I could not, I still think I achieved one of my goals (point 9) While I enjoyed life with my parents, I did get the chance to realize that leaving the country after high school was the right thing to do. Afterwards i packed my backpack and went to Asia to volunteer. I spent 4 wonderful weeks in Sugod (San Agustin, Province Romblon) in the Philippines, teaching Math and English to elementary school children. (Point 5 of my 10 Things to do list).
 After the Philippines i did make it back to Boston, and got my Masters (Points 6 and 8 of the list).

Point10 will have to wait, I think I need to find stability in life (most importantly financial) before I can put all my thoughts together in paper and write a book. Idea, I have tons! But I think it is not yet the time.

I live now in my beloved Boston. I cannot say how long I will stay. For the time being I have a work permit, and if it expires and I don't have a work visa, the one thing I know for sure is that I will not allow myself to become an illegal immigrant and I will pack my things and leave. I am proud of myself for having the strength of leaving the company behind and trying somewhere new. I am incredibly happy i got the chance, almost at 30!, to travel for an extended period of time and visiting the all inhabited continents within a 6 month period, and I am happy to have friends who have been with me at every step I have taken.

The last 2 years of my life have been magic, I have been able to close a few points in my bucket list, and the most important goal I have for the next few months is to find new bucket list points, to replace the closed ones.

I don't believe in age per my birth certificate (even though I love the freedom it gives me). You are only old when you run out of goals, and I am going to ensure that does not happen!

Changes and Decisions: thoughts for a special friend

It has been a fairly long time since I last sat and wrote my thoughts in a media other than lose paper sheets, and my life has gone through a major change in that time. Last time I wrote I was still working full time in Germany, living a grown up and independent life and looking forward to my trips and most of all to visiting Boston. 

I left that job over a year ago, and left Germany with it. While I was ready to leave my life in Germany behind, I was not (and still am not) ready to fully close my chapter with the company. I firmly believe your first employer is similar to your first love (actually, it is way better and more memorable!) and leaving it behind is never an easy decision. 

A long time ago i had written a short list of 10 things I wanted to do in my life, some of which were moving back to Boston, getting another degree in university and volunteer teaching math, among others. The 3 items above have now been crossed of my bucket list, or almost. I am about to finish my Masters degree in Boston, and last Summer I volunteered for a month in the Philippines, teaching English and Mathematics at an elementary school in one of the poorest provinces of the country. It was an exciting time, not necessary easy, but I treasure all my memories form my gap "year", an experience I would not have thought I would still go through.

Life now is very different, I live in a small apartment, which I share with two young women who are almost a decade younger than me. I am a full time student without income, and can't travel as much as I would like to. I enjoy my day to day, and see mostly positive things around me, not even the 105inches snow we have received in the paset 6 weeks can take me down! I love my life, I love being in Boston and despite the fact that I miss my old company and friends I left in Germany, I can't regret the decisions I've made. Which brings me to a special friend who has been going through a similar thought process I went through years ago. 

As a person who left her home country right out of high school, and decided to not follow the societal rules imposed to me by the society she grew up in, I have always felt that all the eyes back home are directed towards me. If I fail at anything, everybody back home will have elements to rub on me next time they see me, failure is just not an option, and ideally I have to reach harder, more exclusive targets than any of my aquaintances from back home who did decide to follow the rules. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and often forget that we only live once, and the sole purpose in life is to be happy. 

We grew up in a society that told us that to be happy we needed money, servants, a membership to an exclusive country club. We girls were instructed to look for the best possible bachelor, to be able to spend our time raising a family, ordering our servants around and maybe having tea with like-minded women in the country club. By defying our "pre-set" destiny, we force ourselves to become something "better" than we would have, had we stayed home: reach high positions within a corporation, get more money, travel farther, be more famous, and we strive to reach these goals, even when they don't overlap with the things that make us happy. 

Over the years and with the experiences I have made I have become a single 30 year old who doesn't date and is confident that maternity is not for everyone. If I try to think of myself in 10 years from now-at a really scary age!- I see myself living in a house, with a huge backyard, 2 dogs running around (Toby+Rhetty) and with a promising career. I can imagine a partner (not necessarily a husband) and HIS kids there, but I can't imagine myslef changing a child, or giving up my career to become a mother and or housewife. Alternately I can imaginemyself as a mother of adopted kids who are already in elementary school and thus face more difficulties finding a home. I no longer see myself as a famous scientist, or the leader of a major corporation. I would not reject it if it was to happen, but I don't strive for it. I think my goals are more down to earth, are more aligned with what will make me happy, and will enable me to live a meaningful life. I want to enjoy my day to day, I want to have dogs at home, and I want to offer children who were not born in a family that can love them and give them many opportunities in life a second chance. 

During my challenging years in Germany I was told by a former supervisor, whom I respect greatly, that I needed to remember that life is made of trade offs: I may get closer to one of my goals, but this will bring me farther away from other goals. Noone can have it all, and the moment when you feel you have it all is when you have re-shaped your original goals to your current life and simply love it. His words had me thinking for a while, and at the end I gave location the highest priority, hence I gave up my big and comfy apartment, my salary and my car, along with financial stability, and went back to school full time in the city I loved and still love. I feel that dealing with the whole roommate situation is worth it, and I have met many wonderful people, who will very likely remain friends as time goes, and remind me of all the paths I have followed in life. I do my homework, or struggle my homework on a daily basis, and am under sleep deprivation, but every time I leave my apartment I smile. I still have mostly an empty fridge but can't help rejoicing when at 2 am I crave icecream and can walk to the nearest supermarket to buy some. 

I will probably start a new career within a new coroporation. I will need to build my reputation, and work as hard as I can to make myself a worthy member of the team and corporation altogether. I know I will not meet exactly the same people I used to work with in Germany, but I am sure I will manage to become a part of the team, and that my hard work will pay off. I will get back to where I loved being in my career, I may not go much farther up, but in exchange for that one or 2 levels of prestige within a company I will be able to smile every day when I see myself in the mirror, when I walk outside my door, when I wake up and remember where I am and how lucky I am.If people back home want to judge my decisions they may decide I am a failure as a woman and as a professional: I don't have a family, I am not dating, I don't have a career, I don't have an income. What they don't see is that I am happy, I love my life, and I go to bed every day knowing my next day will be just as marvelous as the one that is coming to an end. 

Life is made of trade offs, my friend. Whatever you choose will bring you closer to some of your goals, but will take you farther away from others. Just remember life is about you, not about those people we have crossed paths with and who judge us. The people who matter, the people whose opinion should make us think and re-think our ideas or decisions are those who have always been there for us, and who have even compromised their views of the world in order to see why our life style is beautiful (adopted grandchildren would still be grandchildren, and marriage is not necessary for a succesful and fullfilling partnership are the 2 compromises that came from my family), why our life is wonderful, even if it is not something they would have ever imagined before.  

Choose wisely, and if you make the wrong choice, don't be afraid, step back, and try again. We only have one life, we should not only live our life, but also love it. 

Yo soy asi

I must have been about 10 years old, sometime in the mid 90s, when my sister asked our parents to take her/us to the Oki Doki concert in Bogota. Oki doki was a tv show, and a "band" in the 90s in Colombia, and it was aimed for kids. Our parents took us there (this was before I developed claustrophobia), and one of the songs the group sang stuck with me: " Yo soy asi", which translates "I am this way".
While passing away the time tonight I was on youtube and came across the song once again, and within second all those memories I claim to have forgotten from the time between 1st and 9th grade came back to me: school, the people, teachers, how mean my classmates were, and how I was told that letting people's comments affect me was a lack of character.
The song became one of my favourite songs, if not the most important one, as it gave me strength to go back to school every day, to face my classmates and not break under the jokes and comments, but most of all, not to break when they rejected me, when they told the new kids not to talk to me or make friends with me if they wanted to be accepted in school, and not to be ashamed of who I am and how I am.
I did stay strong, I did not drop my grades at school as my classmates told me to so they would accept me (I still wonder if they would have had accepted me and allow me to integrate, or if they would just have enjoyed seeing me without friends, and an average or below average student...) , and while there are many scars that have healed and some are still healing, I am happy to realize the time is behind me and I don't have to go back there.
It's been almost 20 years since I first heard the song, and while the life I live now no longer resembles my life in school, I must admit the song still applies to me, I am still a bit of an outsider, with interests often condemned when expressed by women and who enjoys her freedom. I am still not ready to follow the path the society has casted for us, and regularly get to deal with comments expressing disapproval  for my point of view or my decisions, just as 20 years ago I wasn't ready to tell lies about my vacation, drop my grades, or even worse, do bad in math so boys would score higher, the "right" way back then.
(For consistency, the other song I listened to from Oki Doki all the time was "Considerate de Aqui" , something like "Consider yourself one of us", which was my dream: beölonging somewhere)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFM0OwBhpd8

T-3

Three days to go until the meeting that might change my life drastically: In three days we will check together with experts on the matter, whether or not it is likely and possible for me to return to Boston this winter. I am no longer scared or nervous about the outcome, I feel totally comfortable both with my plan A and B, and can look at my future with the certainty that I am doing the right thing. I must however wonder, which path will I be taking in two months, and what my life will be like in 6 months from now: Will I be leaving in Boston, working in an industry I know and doing a job I know? Or will I be living in a country I might have never been to before, in a different industry or a totally different job? What about living in that far away country, but working as a volunteer to help children in need? All options are attractive, all options offer me personal and professional growth, and the opportunity for a new start in life, leaving behind at least some of those negative habits I have picked over the past years, maybe bringing me into a healthier lifestyle.
3 days to go until I know how much I will leave behind. Will it be leaving behind the country I have lived in for over 6 years, and returning to a place where I have a stable social network? Will it be leaving the paycheck and routine and finding out whether a different culture allows me to grow a new social network, starting from scratch? Will it be packing my life into boxes, grabbing my backpack and heading off to see more of the world?
It might seem a lot is on the game, and depending on the point of view it most likely is. The one thing that is on the game for sure is my future. What if I chose to go to Asia and meet someone there? Would I have the strength to stay there and settle down on the opposite side of the world from my family? Or would I frek out and find myself into a life crisis, trying to balance heart and head? What if I go to Boston and feel overwhelmed by work in the company I know, and want to leave but find myself not having the opportunity anymore?
None of these life questions will be addressed this week, and maybe they never will need to be addressed, all of these questions will only come up in one of the scenarios that life might bring for me, and there are 3 days left to go until at least an initial direction for my life is set.

Change of perspective

Ever since I can remember I have defined myself by my success at school and work: As a little kid, and after the bullying at school started, my grades mattered the most and were my defense wall against other kids. The behaviour stuck with me and in college and work I kept defining my success and meaning as a person through my grades and rating.
I never really thought of it as a problem, besides the emptiness I felt when things didn't go as planned until a few weeks ago, during my last trip to Asia. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe it was the time I spent thinking, maybe it was the fact that I was blessed with a travel group where most people where around my age and we could talk without inhibitions about ourselves, our motivitions and future plans, or the fact that some of them had quit their jobs and were looking for a fresh start. Regardless of what the source was, towards the end of the trip I found myself looking at who I am as a person, not as an employee, and not quite sure how to handle it.
I am a person who likes to meet people, who enjoys philosophical conversations and discussions, who likes to learn and is not ashamed of recognizing her own limitations. I admire the cultures that live their lives based on respect (Respect for God, Respect for Each other and Respect for the Nature), and feel happy when I am included into a group regardless of my background, my culture or the type of job I do.
I have found also I find it more meaningful to do a job that is not intended to increase profits of a company, but just to do something well done. Yes, profit is required, but in order to increase profit we should not go over the employees and put their health and well being at jeopardy.
Looking at all these findings, I have to start thinking about the next steps I am planning in life, or how to actually go on with them: Is it the right move to stay in the company? Would it be better to find a new job? Or should I look into moving to a country, at least for a fixed time, where the respect culture is the base of life, and see if I find myself in the right place there?
It is a scary moment in life, changing the perspective on yourself turns everything you have done and planned upside down. It is also a great opportunity to find a new direction in life, and the only questions open are which the new direction should be and whether or not I will have the courage to pursue them. 

good or bad characteristic?

Something happened during my childhood, and I am still unable to decide if it was good or bad. As a grown up I find myself belonging to the group of people who means what she says, and who does the best she can every day both at work an in my personal life.
Most people would say this is a positive quality to possess, as I am not a mediocre, and take full responsibility for what I do. I must however wonder, whether this quality is good to have in a world like today's, a world in which most people go around doing as little as possible and not really caring that much about what comes next or what is the objective of what they are expected to deliver.
Any average day at work consists for me of finding out which last minute crisis will not allow me to do the work I was planning to, and to develop contingency plans and/ or find solutions in the shortest time possible. Next I will try to get started to find out none of the pre-requisites for me to get my work started was completed, so that I get to spend the next few hours deciphering what was delivered to me, how it was structured and finally re-doing them. Finally, towards end of the day, when my brain no longer feels functional I get to start my real work, right on time to face the fact that I am obliged to leave the plant because of the German law not allowing me to work longer than 10 hours a day.
What went so terribly wrong that I actually get frustrated and sad at the fact that I cannot deliver my work to the expectations I set to myself, while others around me can feel satisfied when delivering half done jobs? Why do I think people will try their best, even after so many years of not seeing it? I know hope is the last thing that dies, and I assume that this is one of the reasons why I keep having faith. I would however think that it would be far easier for me to adopt the strategy I see around me and stop caring. Maybe then I would be able to feel more fulfilled with my work, and life. Maybe then I would be able to leave work every day without feeling I have under performed, under delivered, or that I have only done a lousy job. I would potentially even be able to get home and study Psychology as I have wanted for so long, instead of turning on my laptop in the evenings to work out my emails, so I don't feel I am falling that much behind my schedule at work, and keep communication to a decent level.
I am at the same time thankful to my parents because I know that without this characteristic, be it good or bad, I wouldn't be where I am. I would not have finished both degrees and gotten a job, and I would not have travelled to all the places I have been to. It is the same desire to get things well done which frustrates me on a daily basis than the one that enabled me to finish my studies and get a job, to plan my vacation and go to those places I wanted (and still want to go).

That first cut

Sometimes, when I look at my wrist and see the now almost gone scars I try to remember that first cut. Was it during school exchange, in Husum, when I got into a fight with T.? Or was it in school in Colombia, one day I was very upset in the Psychology office? Despite the fact that I have a good memory, those events are not clear in my head, when each of them happened, and which one was the start of the cutting.
I do remember, however, that it happened many times afterwards. It didn't matter if I was in Colombia, or the USA or Germany, it didn't matter if I was in my dorm, at my parents' place or with my host family. It also didn't matter if I was dating or not. The episodes came, and the one thing I always remember feeling was saddness, and an infinite desire that my tears were caused by myself and not by others.
Whether the first one was in Husum or in Bogota, I know it relieved me. For the first time I was the one causing the pain I was feeling, and not my friends or classmates. I was in control of the situation (at least so I thought!) and was making the decision of making those cuts. After cutting I would clean the wound and cover it so it wouldn't get infected (I also bought special band aids that healed faster and had only that one purpose).
As a grown up I wish I had the power to go back into my teenager brain and recall what it was that the first cut triggered. I believe it showed me I could be in control, and in days the bullies were making my life miserable I felt better crying because of the pain in my arm than because of their words. It also could have meant that I did not tell those around me what I thought of them at the very moment, and all the anger and frustration I had went into whatever cutting element had fallen into my hands. I do know however it was related to school, and school is where it happened with the highest frequency. I would lie if I said it never happened in college (my faculty advisor is a witness of the fact that it did happen) or that it never happened since I moved to Germany (I doubt anyone here could testify on this). Then, I would also lie if I said it still happens with the same frequency it happened back when I was a teenie.
Over the past 5 years I have spent a great deal of time and effort in facing my time in school, facing the fact that whether or not I like it I was bullied for years, and also recognizing to myself that I (still) have a distorted image of myself, both when I look at a mirror and I see an obese elephant starring back at me and when I think of myself as a person (for this second fact I have to rely on what others say of me, and how some do see me as a valuable person). It has helped clearly, as my arms now show-only one or two visible scars left- but I know it has not fully healed.
Frustrating days can be a challenge, when I get home and feel that trance-like state coming to me, that state I recall from earlier times during which I could observe myself making the cuts, and so can days when I am feeling lonely and find noone I can talk or chat to. For a big part of it I can now control it, tell the trance to stay away, or grab my computer and play something online for hours until the feeling goes away.
I don't want to give the blame for this on anyone: I am realistic enough to know that there must have been some genetic predisposition for something like this to develop in difficult times and also to acknowledge that, while I was growing up bullying did not exist as such. I do however hope that I will somewhen feel "healed", and will no longer have the feeling of trance approaching if I face difficult times at work or in my personal life. Most of all I hope that if I ever find someone who is experiencing what I have experiences I will have the courage to step in, and help this person find ways of coping that don't involve cutting, or burnong, or any similar.
We are all valuable as persons, we all have a lot to give to the world and to those around us, and we all need to learn to face the ups and downs in life, without feeling guilt and without feeling that we need to regain the control over situations that are not necessary ours to control.

Routines-girl

Over the past years I have became a person who day after day establishes routines for the time outside work, and sometimes for the time at work. It enables me to get out of bed and without needing to think or analyze any situation around me, get ready for work without missing anything. Lately I have also established routines for the weekends, I am not sure what the purpose is, but whenever I have a place to go to, a flight to catch, or just errands that need to be taken care of in the morning, I can get to start things on time. 

Once in a while, however, I sit in front of the tv or in my car and wonder whether or not it is healthy to have a life filled of routines, a life where any changes can disrupt my feeling of well being after the fact and cause guilty feelings when I have gone away from my set routine (let's be real, I love doing new stuff!).

Today I need to drive 200km to go celebrate Father's day with dad, something I am honestly looking forward to. I also heard my sister will be coming to this country in one week, and probably I will get to hang out with her once or twice this summer, assuming she does not travel around. Those two events or visits are clear "disruptions" to my routine, and while I will love seeing them and spending quality time with each of them, I find myself creating my contingency plan for how to face tomorrow, as I am already aware I will not be able to follow my routine tomorrow: I am staying overnight 200km away from my apartment, I will need to travel that distance in the early morning to get to work, and I will do my best to get to work at my usual time, and avoid any unnecessary changes to my regular routines or schedules at work.

Is this the normal way to live, or do my routines limit my freedom? What would happen if I get to work at 9am instead of at 8? I don't think anybody around me would mind it, or even notice it. I would not miss a meeting nor would I miss preparing a deliverable due tomorrow. Why then do I struggle to allow myself to "break" my routine, to be spontaneous?

I feel comfortable with the life I am living, not necessary happy, but I am used to it and at least for the time I have left where I currently am, I'll most likely keep following my routines. I hope however I will allow myself in my future to be spontaneous at least for a while and remember what spontaneity feels like. Maybe I'll decide to change then, or maybe I'll fall back into creating routines, but at least I'll offer myself the opportunity to bring a change into my life, and how I handle changes and sudden opportunities in life. 

kid

Over five years ago I lived through a few scary days: I thought I was pregnant, frsh out of college, not yet working, and having left the US , meaning, all by myself. While life showed me its wisdonm by not allowing me to become a single mother way before I could have been ready for it (let's face reality, I am not ready for it now, and it's been years!), it also taught me to consider the unthought of on every step in life.
I am not sure what my life would have been like if there had been a baby. I know I would have kept it, I know I would have gone to Germany (and would not have told my parents about the baby!),I would not have told the father, to allow him to follow his dreams and life, but I have to ask myself how the company would have reacted to a pregnant new hire.
What would my life be like now at 28 if I had a 5 year old kid? I would for sure not have travelled what I have, and I would not smoke the way I do (probably not at all). I guess I would only work the mandatory time, to be able to pick up my kid from daycare, and I'm sure I would not travel to Boston as frequently as I do. Maybe I would have gotten used to Germany, after all, according to everyone I know this is suppossed to be a great place to raise kids, and I can imagine the kid would have become my one and all in life.
A few days ago I remembered the fear I had when I though I was expecting, and I have been thinking since then whether or not it would have been good or bad for me. I still cannot come up with an answer. It would be very different for sure, and I hope if that had been the case I would have had the character to face my life and raise my kid the best possible way. Maybe I would at somme point have gained the confidence to go to the father and tell him, maybe not. I cannot tell for sure, as I always knew (he'd told me at some point), he "would never forgive a girl if she kept from him the fact he was a father", and that is exactly what I would have made.
All are questions and there will never be answers to them. It's just strange to think how different things could have been if a simple test had given "+" instead od "-", what a change that "+" would have brought to my life, to the way I interact with people, and most likely even to the way I think of politics.

Crossed Pathways

Often I ask myself what a graphic representation of my life and that of the people I have met in life would look like. The older I grow, the more I realize that the likelihood the path I've followed in life crosses multiple times with someone else's is high, and such a representation would look like an unorganized mesh.
As a little kid (4 years old) I had three good friends: LM, NT and NR. LM moved to Europe when we were in First grade, and over the years to Venezuela and Brazil. We met a few times while she was in Brazil, and after I moved to Europe we met twice in Switzerland. NR and NT finished school in Bogota with me, each of us chose her way, but last year NR moved to the same city I live in, after getting married to a German who got a job in this city.
At work we always say you meet at least twice during your career, and now that I have been almost 6 years in the company I see what it means: People I worked with during my first years in the company have  rotated jobs like I have and suddenly we meet again in different projects and roles, and in a few cases, also in different locations.
While I find it logic that even if there have been years since the last interaction, there is a common ground to start from in the new meetings, I have also realized that meeting new people who have had similar experiences also creates this common background to start from, and can even be a first step for friendship.
I have it easier to connect with travelers, with people who have a technical background, with people who went to the same uni I did, or with people who lived in the same cities I have lived.
At the same time, I struggling connecting with Colombians and with people who believe either in male superiority or in European superiority, even though those are situations I have been exposed to since my early childhood.
I consider myself lucky for the friends I have made over the years, regardless of what the reasons for our friendships are. It doesn't remove the weirdness of not feeling able to connect to my culture, the one I was raised in.

February 8th, 2013 Dundee

Maybe

Maybe it is time to start thinking again, or to stop doing so. Society has the tendency to dictate what is okay to do when and most of us follow its directions, sometimes willingly, sometimes without realizing we are doing so.
It's been a while since I last sat down to write, it's been a difficult time during which I did not even manage to motivate myself to follow my life, and writing was not really an option.
Looking back I can't point at a single event that triggered this phase: Maybe it was work, maybe it was the realization that I am now more lonely than I have ever been and lack the courage to approach new people. Maybe it was my 28th birthday reminding me of all those goals and dreams I had and I didn't achieve, or maybe it was something else.
Whatever the trigger was, reality is that my entire world collapsed: work, family, study, health and friends, and with that I lost control over my life and over myself.
How come I decided to skip carnival this year? Why did I decide to go skiing all by myself? Why did I  book a trip last minute for New Years? Maybe I am trying to escape from myself, or maybe I am trying to find myself.
If I look right and left I get scared at how fast things are changing, how my feeling of inadequacy increases by the minute, while I fail to point at the reason or reasons for it. Maybe it is the happiness of those who surround me, always reminding me of my struggle to accept my life as it is. It could also be the challenges at work, throwing me frequently into a complete state of hopelessness, or that spiral that caught me months ago and won't let me out: it just moves faster and faster and pulls me further into it.
Maybe I should try to start over again sooner than planned, or I should shield myself to my surroundings, so that noone and nothing can reach me. Maybe I should take one day at a time, and wait for the changes to come by themselves.

Late January 2013

Fahrerflucht

Germany is the land of rules: There is a rule for everything, and while I refuse to read the entire book of regulations, I often feel there must also be a rule for when you are allowed to just be alive.
Yesterday I broke a rule that I didn't know was one: on my way home from work there had been an accident to my right, so I went left to avoid going over the closed area of the accident. A car came on the opposite lane to mine on my left, so I drove carefully, paying attention to my left to avoid an accident. This caused me to oversee some traffic cones on my right, which I hit. When I felt the impact I looked on the rear miror and saw 2 cones flying. In my head and world, hitting a (or in this case 2) traffic cone is not a car accident, so I kept driving.
Once at home the door rang: it was the police coming to inform me that I had had an accident and left without being authorized to do so by the police, and an official report had been filed by the authorities. They had taken a look at my car and seen there were 2 marks of the cones, and I was free to give them my version, if I wished so. The consequences can be to lose my license, and or a fine, there will be an official process opened, and a judge will decide what my punishment should be.
I must wonder how things work here. I can't understand how hitting a traffic cone and not calling the police is against the law, and I must also sadly realize that it doesn't matter how long I have been in this country, and how hard I try to always be within the law (when I fly to Europe I don't even bring more cigarettes than what I am allowed to), I will never understand the rules, the country or the people.
After the police departed yesterday, once they had written down my version and checked my driving license, passport and property card of my car, I could only reassure myself that my decision to leave this country and return to my beloved Boston is the right one. It's been 6 months since I requested the move, school applications are in and in 2-3 months I should hear back from the schools. This won't last forever, and yet I'm afraid of going on the street, driving, and just existing in a country in which I clearly don't belong. A country where I feel overwhelmed every time I want to get something done. My time here is coming to an end, and I can only wait until the end comes.

A flight to Hell

It is funny how vacation feels, and how it comes and goes.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I went on vacation, and while it has not been a full time vacation, it has been relaxing, the days I have worked have felt like a regular day, with much lower stress levels than when I am in Germany. However, the most important part is that it has been 3 weeks during which I have been myself full time: I have been happy, have felt I belong to this planet, and that there is a life besides work. Not even the biggest challenges at work over the past weeks made me feel I hate myself or my life, it was after all only work, and I knew all I needed to do was to turn off my laptop and then I'd be a person, somebody's friend and a walk around the city would remind me that life and the world are beautiful.
I only have a few hours left until my flight to Germany departs, and the feeling of loneliness, of sadness and almost depression is already here: I never imagined that I would willingly board a flight to hell, and that is in my opinion what I will do in a few hours. In less than 24 hours I will be back at work, I will be in a country where nobody cares, where rules are the only way to go, and in which my closest acquaintances are household devices: my TV, my wash machine, my computers, and my closest friend is my beautiful and loyal car. Obviously there are people there I care for, but I often struggle to see if I can call them friends or not.
For most people there this country is not paradise, and neither is it for me. A friend here asked me yesterday if I like something specific here. I told him that more than like or being blinded by the green of the other side is how I feel ok with myself: I do see the problems I can face if I move here, I see that not everything are advantages, and that disadvantages will come in multiple ways: work benefits, vacation, medical insurance, ease to travel, but that I am willing to get into that because the good side is much more meaningful than all the drawbacks I see. I see the faults, the problems, but I still wanna give it a try.
However, whether or not this place is paradise, it is for sure not hell, and in my eyes it is heaven.
Flight 423, a flight to hell I will board today.

Productivity

As I child I learnt form my parents that the only definition of productivity is to have the day full of activities: school, homework, sports etc. I used to spend my afternoons after school either with the kids in my building playing or reading books.
I still have that definition of productivity in my head, although I not fully agree with it, and frequently I create a weekend or day plan, where I plot all activities and tasks I want to perform in the weekend or day.
This weekend was one of those weekends with a plan: I had a total of 23 activities planned, completed 21 yesterday and one today (the one I have left was not possible due to German law: It is forbidden to wash a car on Sunday, go figure the stupidity of this country... On sunday you are not allowed to be loud, or wash your car, but you are allowed to vacuum your car, which is loud). Now, while watching TV I asked myself if not having any time free is really to be productivity, and I must admit that since I finished High School I have learnt that there are other types of productivity, mostly, recharging energy.
I now also consider a lazy afternoon productive, and sleeping long on a weekend is in my eyes one of the most productive activities of the week. I would however not consider it productive to sleep every day in.
Productivity in my eyes is that fine balance between completing all the tasks that are needed and enjoying your free time and recharging energy for the new week or simply for the time that lies ahead.
My apartment is now clean, my laundry done, my car clean inside (yeah...), and my clothes and food for work tomorrow ready. Right now I am trying to decide whether to study or play on facebook. What will provide me more enjoyment? What will make me feel the most fulfilled? One of those questions I often ask myself. 

Almost there

The countdown started long time ago, and now it's finally getting close to zero: t-16 until my next vacation starts, 16 days until I disconnect from work for 9 days and allow myself to be just the crazy, uncomplicated and impulsive girl I still am, and who does not exist while at work.
The last 2 months I have fully dedicated to work, there have been few moments for myself, even during my days off I have worked in documents, had phone calls with colleagues and more often than I'm proud to recognize, downloaded my emails to avoid not being informed about what has happened at work during my absence.
When I assume responsibility for something I throw myself fully into it, mostly when this responsibility involves not only me, but also my colleagues. When it goes only about me I tend to be a slacker and either let things accumulate or simply don't do it. Work is different, like school used to be while I was at school. I am still human however, and whether or not I want to recognize it, I cannot give my best for an unlimited period of time without giving myself a real break, flying somewhere far from work where I have no computer access nor am reachable over my phone, where I am partially forced to disconnect and disengage from work.
I am almost there, my vacation will start in exactly 16 days 10 hours. that is when my train to the airport departs, where I will catch a flight to the Middle East.
Life in Germany forces a maximum amount of hours worked in average over a period of time. I blew my average in the summer, and now since 3 weeks I am under observation by HR, as I have to reduce the average. It has been a stressful month of going to work for a few hours and completing my work offline, attending calls from home and reducing the internet usage. Only few days to go this month, and I am almost there. I won't get into green area by the end of the month, but I will no longer be in red. It will be yellow, and it will fix itself during my vacation. Almost there, when I come back I will no longer require to go to HR regularly and ask how to manage time, whether it is ok to work only 5 hours a day, and whether this has an impact at the end. When I come back from vacation I will have taken all my compensation days, my account will be clean, ready to take the crazy overtime awaiting for me in November.
October will be a special month: I will come to peace with myself by allowing myself to be human, to relax, laugh and meet people. I will go to a country I have wanted to go since I met E. in college, who nine years later still counts as one of my best friends. I will re-take my test for grad school, while in my beloved Boston, as I will also be there part of the month: 12 days in total, my longest stay there since college. I will visit professors from my undergrad time, who are willing to give me recommendation letters, and I will spend time with E., L., V., M., and B., those amazing friends I miss every day, those who met me as a shy18 or 19 year old, and who grew with me into grown ups, each of us with their job, following their dreams and working for their futures. All of these will happen as of the day I fly to the Middle East. I am almost there. Only 16 days 10 hours to go.

Letter to a friend

Dear friend,

Every time I try to start this letter, I find myself wondering how I can start it. So many things to say, to explain, and in some aspect, so many things to apologize for.
As you might know, last week I "celebrated" my 5th anniversary in the company and in Germany. The last 5 years have not been easy for me, and while I did try to adapt to the new country and environment, I never fully felt I was in the right place.This country is too cold and disciplined for me: there are rules for everything, every person lives for him or herself, and expecting a hello on the street is more than utopic. It might seem like a contradiction coming from a person like me: somebody who wanted to enter either a nonnery or the military, a latina who does not see herself as such, and who has since her early childhood had the tendency to an extreme independent life. I guess we, humans, are made of contradictions. I do love discipline, and the time I spend with myself, I do also believe I have in me more of a latina than I have ever realized, or wanted to aknowledge.
We met in the past 5 years, and over time our friendship became a pilar in my life: you became one of the few people I felt I could be myself with, somebody I felt I could confide when I did not want to work, or when I was simply sad or tired. Our friendship meant and means a lot for me. Please don't forget it.
I never fully caught the life train over the past five years: I left time go by and focussed on work, I saw how, aorund me, people found the right partners for them, and only dreamt of one day finding mine, while the words I spoke were something like "I am to big of a coward to try" or "I don't believe in love". Most of those around me moved on, started their own families and their eyes expressed their happiness, mine, similar to my words, only expressed the amount of work I had, and how much I often felt out of place. I am sorry I never told you how happy it made me to see you happy, I am sorry I never told you I wished one day in the future, in my future, I could follow your steps and find my own source of happiness, I am sorry I never told you I envied you for daring to jump on the life train on time, and move on with it. I really am.
A few months ago I made a decision, I want and will fight my way to return to that one place where I once lived and felt alive: the city where I go out and enjoy being there, where I feel free, where all the mad rules don't come over to me as limitations of my own freedom, but as guidelines to enable a better community feeling. Maybe, when I expressed my decision, and the reasons that are foundations for the decision I hurt you. Trust me, I never meant to. Like I said, our friendship means a lot to me. It is true I feel extremly lonely here in Germany, and it is also true every time I can I go see my friends from Uni. I promise you, the why the time I spend with them means so much for me was not that you were not a good enough friend to me, the reason was (and is) that they are in a similar stage in life than I am.
As you know, my decision to go back there is taken, I am preparing school applications, and have officially requested my relocation and localization there as of next summer. If I had a free wish I would take you with me there, as I want our friendship to remain there. I am now too old to believe in fairy tales, and thus I know that I might not see you more than 5-10 times more in my entire life. I do hope though, that you remember that there was once a colleague to whom you were an amazing friend, and who would have been there for you any time. For those I care for I'd give it all, as my my friend's happiness is very important for me.
I am working hard in setting myself on the "right" path, in bringing myself back to that wonderful city I love and to which I belong. This however does not mean, I don't care about those who have made my time in Germany bearable.
We might have different cultural backgrounds, we might have different understandings of friendship, of loyalty, of life in general. This, however, I see as part of life, and while sometimes it may hurt, it only hurts because the friendship matters.
Take care my friend, I will miss you a lot.

M.
 

Peck's quote

"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." ~ M. Scott Peck

M. Scott Peck was an american psychiatrist born in New York. Through his adult life he worked in theories in the areas of Discipline, Love, Neurotic and Legitimate suffering, Evil, Love, and Community. The quote written at the beginning of this entry belongs to the work he did in the area of discipline, and while looking at it I find myself trying to decide whether I agree with it or not.
When it comes to the plain definition of discipline, I am considered by my peers and by myself as a disciplined person. I am, however, an amazing procastinator, and generally discipline and procastination are considered opposites to each other.
Is the fact that I procastinate often a sign, that I do not value my time? I know that every time I watch TV or play bubble games on facebook after work, instead of doing my homework for school or studying for the GRE I am not making the best of my time. As an overachiever I am, I am also aware that this procastination will put me in a stress situation when the deadlines (Exams) approach, as I am far behind where I should be, and I will not be ok with leaving any of the 7 subjects unfinished before the exam. 
On the other hand there is the factor "time". Time is sacred, it is a scarce ressource and this I have known since my early teens. I consider puntuality extremly important, and a sign of respect to every person and their time. Any 15 minutes spent waiting for somebody at the door of a station is time that we will not get back, it will be gone. While over the last couple of years I have became more relaxed with punctuality (sometimes I am late), I do tell the people I am meeting in advance of my delay, so they can decide whether to wait or to do something else while I arrive. 
Time is not only to be taken into account when it comes to puntuality, and it influences others. Time is also of importance in each persons personal life. This is the area where I have not yet mastered the art of respecting it. With the amount of commitments I make to myself and to friends and work (Work over weekends, fly to different countries for friends' weddings, full time student), I should be disciplined to ensure I can enjoy some free time regularly, without considering it procastination. Despite the fact that I make schedules, set my alarm to wake up early, and tell myself on my way from work that I will study in the evenings, I almost never do so, and frequently I spend the last nights before a deadline working without breaks to complete my commitments. 
Going back to Peck's quote, I need to admit that I don't value my free time enough, to be disciplined with my commitments and complete them on time, instead of crunching them over a few days. I however disagree partially with the "not value yourself" part. I believe I vale myself, I consider myself capable of reaching (academic and laboral) goals, and I set the line for myself high, ensuring I grow in those two areas permanently. In my personal life I will have to agree with Peck: I do not value my personal life and time enough to be disciplined with it: Weekends, free time and Sleep are overrated in my eyes, and I get frequently sick because my body simply goes into exhaustion. 
I often think of ways to defeat the procastination and be more disciplined with the ongoing work, to avoid crunching things at the end. Peck's words show me that this goal is fully in my hands: I only need to learnt to value myself also in my personal life. Then I will give the value to it that it deserves, and ensure that I get the free time for activities I wish to take part in, and which do not contribute to my career or academic life.

August 4th

Today is Saturday August the 4th, and while drinking my coffee to go to the office (yes, on Saturday), I started thinking about the date. Today is the birthday of one of my best and oldest friends, a friend I have called a total of 19 times in the last 20 years for his birthday, also a friend who I know would not forget my birthday, and I can always count on. 

T. and I met in "Basico" (First grade), and were mad rivals for many years. We were back then the best students in our class, and raced through our Spanish and Math books, ahead of our classmates. We were not real friends in school, but the rivalry between uo turned into friendship, and has lasted for 2 decades. 

Every year I spent my summer holidays with my parents in Germany, and every August 4th I waited until 2 pm German time, to go to a phone boot and using 5DM coins (or coins from whichever country we were in), call him and wish him a happy birthday. Many times I woke him up, his parents knew I was calling from overseas. 

5 years ago I was in China, more specifically in Shigatse (Tibet). In my trip diary an entry on August 4th says "Despues de la comida fui a llamar a T., que estaba cumpliendo años. El no estaba en Bogotá, pero su papá me dió su celular y lo llamé. Vaya sorpresa que se llevó".  Only once in the last 20 years we have not talked on the phone on his birthday, 4 years ago. August 4th 4 years ago I was with my father in Tanzania, and the trek to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro started at midnight that day. Since I knew we were going to be in a place where it was not possible to make a phone call, I asked a friend in the US to send him a message in my name. 
T and I both understand and have lived in cultures different than the one we grew up in, we both feel we belong somewhere different than Bogotá, and we have the same understanding of friendship, something I have discovered is not necessary the case with people I am friends, that I have met over the past years. 
I don't know where he will be in 5 years (I hope London or Berlin), nor where I will be in 5 years (I hope Boston), however, I know that today in 5 years I will be calling him, and wishing him a happy birthday. It is great to have such a great friend, and it is even better to know that the friendship has now lasted 20 years, surviving our teenager years, and our first steps in an independent life, which is a good omen for the friendship.