As a child, I spent most of my summer holidays in Germany. I remember those months in Germany sunny and warm. Once in a while there was some rain, and my sister and I would sit, bored out of our minds, inside the house, and read, or paint, or build some jigsaw puzzles. At the end of the day we would go with dad for a bike ride for one or two hours, around the golf fields at Neuhof. When I look out of the window this summer, I barely see the sun. While the temperatures are completely ok for me (around 20C), it is not summerly warm, and it rains multiple times a day. One could say this summer reflects my inner feelings, and the rain is just a sign for my tears: Just like it rains almost on a daily basis, I cry almost every day.
I have always felt ashamed of myself for crying: it is a sign of weakness, of vulnerability, and to myself I am not allowed to show myself weak or vulnerable to anyone. Over the last 5 years there were maybe 4 or 5 times when I cried without control in a different place than my appartment: one of them was the day Forthy died, the other were very emotional moments at work, and I cried sitting by myself in a meeting room, or at the smoker's area. This past weeks however there has been a change, and in my opinion, a change for the worse. Tears now come to my eyes when I look around myself, and find myself in Germany, when I walk every morning from my car or train to work, and realize I am not dreaming, and I am really in Euskirchen, and when I sit in my car and find myself forced to drive back to Cologne, to spend one more evening sitting in the living room watching TV, smoing, or studying by myself. The most humilliating situation came last friday, when I was sitting at my desk and started crying, and one of the guys who sits near my desk had not left the office yet and realized I was crying. He did not say anything, neither did I, but I don't think I'll be able to face him this week, or ever again: He has now seen what a weak and immature person I am, and he won't have any trust on anything I do. Why would he trust the work of someone like me?
Days at which the sky is blue and the sun shines have a positive effect even on my depression. When I see the sun shine I remind myself that there must be a way out of my situation, that there are opportunities to get out of Germany for ever. However, the sun is not visible frequently, it comes and goes, and the same unstability is now in my soul: During one single day I go up and down multiple times. A word, a gesture, or just an email can throw me from one extreme to the other. everybody has realized, my boss compleains all the time, and regardless of my efforts to control it, I am failing miserably. What does this mean for my "career"? Is it even worth it for me to keep pushing, or should I give up already, and find myself a guy willing to marry me so I get a green card in the US? Do I have any chances inside the company to be relocated? I cannot see why the company would be willing to invest in someone like me, someone weak and unstable. I love the company, the values it stands for, and if I could make a wish I would remain in the company while relocating to my beloved Boston, but I think it might be time for me to face reality and aknowledge the copmany might not want to keep me, and I should be looking at ways to go back to Boston on my own. With the same frequency clouds cover the sun this summer, my hopes of going back with the company sink.
I am still working in getting myself under control, in not crying, and in spending as much time as possible busy, studying and working, and just not thinking. I am working hard in not letting words- written or spoken- get to me, and not feeling anything that is said to me is personal so I don't break down at work. I just don't know how much strength I have left, and I fear there is none left. I need to hold on to the hope that I will see my good friends from Boston, L. and V., at the end of August. Maybe then, spending some time with people I know care for me, people who make me feel I am worth being alive and I am not a complete waste of oxygen in this planet, I will be able to make it through this summer.
