Destiny as a labyrinth

The definition of destiny changes from person to person. For some, destiny is what they envision, while others take a more relaxed approach at it and think of destiny as the place where they are meant to get to, independently of the path they take.Regardless of how we define it, it is in our hands to lead our life and to live every day to its potential.

A quick look at how a regular day in life goes is a proof that we live in two universes at the same time: on one hand we do our best to enjoy what we have at that time, on the other hand we try to imagine what our future will be like. We shape the ideas for our future based on what we learn, whom we meet and what goals we acquire as time goes. The goal we had last week might change, and the reasons for it to change can be so varied it would not be possible to cover them all. Some people discover their passion during a trip, others might meet a person who re-defines priorities or find that their base plan is no longer feasible and find themselves forced to make a change. Parenthood is also known as one of the factors that leads to changes in goals, as are near death experiences and changes in the structure of the work organizations. 

Over the years my goals have changed from time to time: sometimes I re-take goals I have dropped and decide to pursue them, other times I find myself noticing that some goal I have carried for years has lost meaning and in other cases I simply find something that motivates me more and the new thing becomes a goal and a lighthouse. Regardless of why I changed my goals, or why I might change them in the future, one thing I have learnt is that things happen for a reason, and, while not necessary easy to see at the beginning, is always for the greater good. 

Two years ago, when I left the company I had worked for over six years and which I loved I felt lost and sad - I must admit I still miss the company, the people and working in a more structured environment - however, I also know that had it not been for my departure, I would not have had the courage to take the time off I did. It was in those months volunteering in South East Asia that I confirmed my love for helping others, for encouraging people to keep trying, and found a new passion, which now dictates most of my time off work. 

Leaving that company allowed me to great wonderful people, getting to know a bit more about the younger-and feared- Generation Y and how their world differs from mine, meeting people on the road while travelling, friendships that I hope remain for life, and find myself again. At the same time it allowed me to pick up back on goals I had dropped years ago (Like the FE/PE) and look at them through a more adult lens than I did when I first intended to reach them. 

Life is a labyrinth, and everything that happens can either push us up or down. It is in our hands to find why an opportunity is given to us, or taken away from us. Chances are, something great will come out of it. 

My updated Bucket list

A few years ago I wrote a list of 10 things I really really want to do in my life (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2011/09/10-things-i-want-to-do-before-i-die.html)
Looking back at mmy life in the past 18 months, since I left the perfect job at the perfect company (but in the very very unhappy country for me!), I have been able to achieve some of them.

Items 1-4 have not changed: I still want to have a dog- a beagle- and name him Toby. I do live in an apartment that allows pets, so I guess I can make it happen as soon as I find a way of not being SO late back home from work!:) I still want to learn to pilot an airplane (despite the fact that 1 of the 2 people whose opinion matters to me does not trust me as a car driver!) , and I will, sometime in the future. I want to go to the Antarctica to see the emperor penguins, I just need to build up enough reputation at work so that I can take a long vacation to go, and I want to learn to play the piano.

When I look at the next points, there is some update to be done.
My past blog, T-3 (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2013/11/t-3.html) was written at a very critical point in my life. Over 18 months have gone by, and looking back at how I was feeling I feel compelled to give an update: I did not get to move back to the city I love and work in a known industry. Things did not workout the ideal way for me, so I did take a different path, and am happy about it :) After day 3 came I found out my ideal option was not to be, I resigned my job, packed my boxes and backpack and started an 8 month adventure: I first returned home for 3 months and worked there. I traveled as much as safety allowed it. I would have loved to go to the cardinal points, but truth is I could not, I still think I achieved one of my goals (point 9) While I enjoyed life with my parents, I did get the chance to realize that leaving the country after high school was the right thing to do. Afterwards i packed my backpack and went to Asia to volunteer. I spent 4 wonderful weeks in Sugod (San Agustin, Province Romblon) in the Philippines, teaching Math and English to elementary school children. (Point 5 of my 10 Things to do list).
 After the Philippines i did make it back to Boston, and got my Masters (Points 6 and 8 of the list).

Point10 will have to wait, I think I need to find stability in life (most importantly financial) before I can put all my thoughts together in paper and write a book. Idea, I have tons! But I think it is not yet the time.

I live now in my beloved Boston. I cannot say how long I will stay. For the time being I have a work permit, and if it expires and I don't have a work visa, the one thing I know for sure is that I will not allow myself to become an illegal immigrant and I will pack my things and leave. I am proud of myself for having the strength of leaving the company behind and trying somewhere new. I am incredibly happy i got the chance, almost at 30!, to travel for an extended period of time and visiting the all inhabited continents within a 6 month period, and I am happy to have friends who have been with me at every step I have taken.

The last 2 years of my life have been magic, I have been able to close a few points in my bucket list, and the most important goal I have for the next few months is to find new bucket list points, to replace the closed ones.

I don't believe in age per my birth certificate (even though I love the freedom it gives me). You are only old when you run out of goals, and I am going to ensure that does not happen!

Changes and Decisions: thoughts for a special friend

It has been a fairly long time since I last sat and wrote my thoughts in a media other than lose paper sheets, and my life has gone through a major change in that time. Last time I wrote I was still working full time in Germany, living a grown up and independent life and looking forward to my trips and most of all to visiting Boston. 

I left that job over a year ago, and left Germany with it. While I was ready to leave my life in Germany behind, I was not (and still am not) ready to fully close my chapter with the company. I firmly believe your first employer is similar to your first love (actually, it is way better and more memorable!) and leaving it behind is never an easy decision. 

A long time ago i had written a short list of 10 things I wanted to do in my life, some of which were moving back to Boston, getting another degree in university and volunteer teaching math, among others. The 3 items above have now been crossed of my bucket list, or almost. I am about to finish my Masters degree in Boston, and last Summer I volunteered for a month in the Philippines, teaching English and Mathematics at an elementary school in one of the poorest provinces of the country. It was an exciting time, not necessary easy, but I treasure all my memories form my gap "year", an experience I would not have thought I would still go through.

Life now is very different, I live in a small apartment, which I share with two young women who are almost a decade younger than me. I am a full time student without income, and can't travel as much as I would like to. I enjoy my day to day, and see mostly positive things around me, not even the 105inches snow we have received in the paset 6 weeks can take me down! I love my life, I love being in Boston and despite the fact that I miss my old company and friends I left in Germany, I can't regret the decisions I've made. Which brings me to a special friend who has been going through a similar thought process I went through years ago. 

As a person who left her home country right out of high school, and decided to not follow the societal rules imposed to me by the society she grew up in, I have always felt that all the eyes back home are directed towards me. If I fail at anything, everybody back home will have elements to rub on me next time they see me, failure is just not an option, and ideally I have to reach harder, more exclusive targets than any of my aquaintances from back home who did decide to follow the rules. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and often forget that we only live once, and the sole purpose in life is to be happy. 

We grew up in a society that told us that to be happy we needed money, servants, a membership to an exclusive country club. We girls were instructed to look for the best possible bachelor, to be able to spend our time raising a family, ordering our servants around and maybe having tea with like-minded women in the country club. By defying our "pre-set" destiny, we force ourselves to become something "better" than we would have, had we stayed home: reach high positions within a corporation, get more money, travel farther, be more famous, and we strive to reach these goals, even when they don't overlap with the things that make us happy. 

Over the years and with the experiences I have made I have become a single 30 year old who doesn't date and is confident that maternity is not for everyone. If I try to think of myself in 10 years from now-at a really scary age!- I see myself living in a house, with a huge backyard, 2 dogs running around (Toby+Rhetty) and with a promising career. I can imagine a partner (not necessarily a husband) and HIS kids there, but I can't imagine myslef changing a child, or giving up my career to become a mother and or housewife. Alternately I can imaginemyself as a mother of adopted kids who are already in elementary school and thus face more difficulties finding a home. I no longer see myself as a famous scientist, or the leader of a major corporation. I would not reject it if it was to happen, but I don't strive for it. I think my goals are more down to earth, are more aligned with what will make me happy, and will enable me to live a meaningful life. I want to enjoy my day to day, I want to have dogs at home, and I want to offer children who were not born in a family that can love them and give them many opportunities in life a second chance. 

During my challenging years in Germany I was told by a former supervisor, whom I respect greatly, that I needed to remember that life is made of trade offs: I may get closer to one of my goals, but this will bring me farther away from other goals. Noone can have it all, and the moment when you feel you have it all is when you have re-shaped your original goals to your current life and simply love it. His words had me thinking for a while, and at the end I gave location the highest priority, hence I gave up my big and comfy apartment, my salary and my car, along with financial stability, and went back to school full time in the city I loved and still love. I feel that dealing with the whole roommate situation is worth it, and I have met many wonderful people, who will very likely remain friends as time goes, and remind me of all the paths I have followed in life. I do my homework, or struggle my homework on a daily basis, and am under sleep deprivation, but every time I leave my apartment I smile. I still have mostly an empty fridge but can't help rejoicing when at 2 am I crave icecream and can walk to the nearest supermarket to buy some. 

I will probably start a new career within a new coroporation. I will need to build my reputation, and work as hard as I can to make myself a worthy member of the team and corporation altogether. I know I will not meet exactly the same people I used to work with in Germany, but I am sure I will manage to become a part of the team, and that my hard work will pay off. I will get back to where I loved being in my career, I may not go much farther up, but in exchange for that one or 2 levels of prestige within a company I will be able to smile every day when I see myself in the mirror, when I walk outside my door, when I wake up and remember where I am and how lucky I am.If people back home want to judge my decisions they may decide I am a failure as a woman and as a professional: I don't have a family, I am not dating, I don't have a career, I don't have an income. What they don't see is that I am happy, I love my life, and I go to bed every day knowing my next day will be just as marvelous as the one that is coming to an end. 

Life is made of trade offs, my friend. Whatever you choose will bring you closer to some of your goals, but will take you farther away from others. Just remember life is about you, not about those people we have crossed paths with and who judge us. The people who matter, the people whose opinion should make us think and re-think our ideas or decisions are those who have always been there for us, and who have even compromised their views of the world in order to see why our life style is beautiful (adopted grandchildren would still be grandchildren, and marriage is not necessary for a succesful and fullfilling partnership are the 2 compromises that came from my family), why our life is wonderful, even if it is not something they would have ever imagined before.  

Choose wisely, and if you make the wrong choice, don't be afraid, step back, and try again. We only have one life, we should not only live our life, but also love it.