Productivity

As I child I learnt form my parents that the only definition of productivity is to have the day full of activities: school, homework, sports etc. I used to spend my afternoons after school either with the kids in my building playing or reading books.
I still have that definition of productivity in my head, although I not fully agree with it, and frequently I create a weekend or day plan, where I plot all activities and tasks I want to perform in the weekend or day.
This weekend was one of those weekends with a plan: I had a total of 23 activities planned, completed 21 yesterday and one today (the one I have left was not possible due to German law: It is forbidden to wash a car on Sunday, go figure the stupidity of this country... On sunday you are not allowed to be loud, or wash your car, but you are allowed to vacuum your car, which is loud). Now, while watching TV I asked myself if not having any time free is really to be productivity, and I must admit that since I finished High School I have learnt that there are other types of productivity, mostly, recharging energy.
I now also consider a lazy afternoon productive, and sleeping long on a weekend is in my eyes one of the most productive activities of the week. I would however not consider it productive to sleep every day in.
Productivity in my eyes is that fine balance between completing all the tasks that are needed and enjoying your free time and recharging energy for the new week or simply for the time that lies ahead.
My apartment is now clean, my laundry done, my car clean inside (yeah...), and my clothes and food for work tomorrow ready. Right now I am trying to decide whether to study or play on facebook. What will provide me more enjoyment? What will make me feel the most fulfilled? One of those questions I often ask myself. 

Almost there

The countdown started long time ago, and now it's finally getting close to zero: t-16 until my next vacation starts, 16 days until I disconnect from work for 9 days and allow myself to be just the crazy, uncomplicated and impulsive girl I still am, and who does not exist while at work.
The last 2 months I have fully dedicated to work, there have been few moments for myself, even during my days off I have worked in documents, had phone calls with colleagues and more often than I'm proud to recognize, downloaded my emails to avoid not being informed about what has happened at work during my absence.
When I assume responsibility for something I throw myself fully into it, mostly when this responsibility involves not only me, but also my colleagues. When it goes only about me I tend to be a slacker and either let things accumulate or simply don't do it. Work is different, like school used to be while I was at school. I am still human however, and whether or not I want to recognize it, I cannot give my best for an unlimited period of time without giving myself a real break, flying somewhere far from work where I have no computer access nor am reachable over my phone, where I am partially forced to disconnect and disengage from work.
I am almost there, my vacation will start in exactly 16 days 10 hours. that is when my train to the airport departs, where I will catch a flight to the Middle East.
Life in Germany forces a maximum amount of hours worked in average over a period of time. I blew my average in the summer, and now since 3 weeks I am under observation by HR, as I have to reduce the average. It has been a stressful month of going to work for a few hours and completing my work offline, attending calls from home and reducing the internet usage. Only few days to go this month, and I am almost there. I won't get into green area by the end of the month, but I will no longer be in red. It will be yellow, and it will fix itself during my vacation. Almost there, when I come back I will no longer require to go to HR regularly and ask how to manage time, whether it is ok to work only 5 hours a day, and whether this has an impact at the end. When I come back from vacation I will have taken all my compensation days, my account will be clean, ready to take the crazy overtime awaiting for me in November.
October will be a special month: I will come to peace with myself by allowing myself to be human, to relax, laugh and meet people. I will go to a country I have wanted to go since I met E. in college, who nine years later still counts as one of my best friends. I will re-take my test for grad school, while in my beloved Boston, as I will also be there part of the month: 12 days in total, my longest stay there since college. I will visit professors from my undergrad time, who are willing to give me recommendation letters, and I will spend time with E., L., V., M., and B., those amazing friends I miss every day, those who met me as a shy18 or 19 year old, and who grew with me into grown ups, each of us with their job, following their dreams and working for their futures. All of these will happen as of the day I fly to the Middle East. I am almost there. Only 16 days 10 hours to go.

Letter to a friend

Dear friend,

Every time I try to start this letter, I find myself wondering how I can start it. So many things to say, to explain, and in some aspect, so many things to apologize for.
As you might know, last week I "celebrated" my 5th anniversary in the company and in Germany. The last 5 years have not been easy for me, and while I did try to adapt to the new country and environment, I never fully felt I was in the right place.This country is too cold and disciplined for me: there are rules for everything, every person lives for him or herself, and expecting a hello on the street is more than utopic. It might seem like a contradiction coming from a person like me: somebody who wanted to enter either a nonnery or the military, a latina who does not see herself as such, and who has since her early childhood had the tendency to an extreme independent life. I guess we, humans, are made of contradictions. I do love discipline, and the time I spend with myself, I do also believe I have in me more of a latina than I have ever realized, or wanted to aknowledge.
We met in the past 5 years, and over time our friendship became a pilar in my life: you became one of the few people I felt I could be myself with, somebody I felt I could confide when I did not want to work, or when I was simply sad or tired. Our friendship meant and means a lot for me. Please don't forget it.
I never fully caught the life train over the past five years: I left time go by and focussed on work, I saw how, aorund me, people found the right partners for them, and only dreamt of one day finding mine, while the words I spoke were something like "I am to big of a coward to try" or "I don't believe in love". Most of those around me moved on, started their own families and their eyes expressed their happiness, mine, similar to my words, only expressed the amount of work I had, and how much I often felt out of place. I am sorry I never told you how happy it made me to see you happy, I am sorry I never told you I wished one day in the future, in my future, I could follow your steps and find my own source of happiness, I am sorry I never told you I envied you for daring to jump on the life train on time, and move on with it. I really am.
A few months ago I made a decision, I want and will fight my way to return to that one place where I once lived and felt alive: the city where I go out and enjoy being there, where I feel free, where all the mad rules don't come over to me as limitations of my own freedom, but as guidelines to enable a better community feeling. Maybe, when I expressed my decision, and the reasons that are foundations for the decision I hurt you. Trust me, I never meant to. Like I said, our friendship means a lot to me. It is true I feel extremly lonely here in Germany, and it is also true every time I can I go see my friends from Uni. I promise you, the why the time I spend with them means so much for me was not that you were not a good enough friend to me, the reason was (and is) that they are in a similar stage in life than I am.
As you know, my decision to go back there is taken, I am preparing school applications, and have officially requested my relocation and localization there as of next summer. If I had a free wish I would take you with me there, as I want our friendship to remain there. I am now too old to believe in fairy tales, and thus I know that I might not see you more than 5-10 times more in my entire life. I do hope though, that you remember that there was once a colleague to whom you were an amazing friend, and who would have been there for you any time. For those I care for I'd give it all, as my my friend's happiness is very important for me.
I am working hard in setting myself on the "right" path, in bringing myself back to that wonderful city I love and to which I belong. This however does not mean, I don't care about those who have made my time in Germany bearable.
We might have different cultural backgrounds, we might have different understandings of friendship, of loyalty, of life in general. This, however, I see as part of life, and while sometimes it may hurt, it only hurts because the friendship matters.
Take care my friend, I will miss you a lot.

M.