Questions, questions, and more questions

It's been a long time since I last sat to write. I've been tempted to do so quite frequently, but work, and life in general have taken over my life.

I wonder often, why I give up those activities that I enjoy the most: learning a language, writting, playing Nintendo, or going for rides on my bike or car.

Is work really that important? Or am I taking that feared and easy route, Marco always warned me not to take? "The easiest way is not always the best way" he used to tell me. Back then we were in college, living in Shelton Hall, and in my case, living new and exciting adventures every day. There were also "bad" days, and those were the days I heard his words.

Years have gone by, Shelton was Sophomore year, 2004-2005, and we have all grown up, at least according to our ID cards...

Why, you might wonder, am I coming back to his words? This is one of the many questions this blogs refers to.

I have gone through hell in the past weeks: Found out about new taxes I have to pay, had to change my main residency, and with it all my paperwork (car, insurance, residency and work permit, etc), got sick with a nose-ear-throat infection, and couldn't afford time off, so flew to Warsaw and worked 12 hours a day while sick. My mom got sick and I had no way of being in touch with my family, my suitcase got lost on the way from Warsaw and I found myself locked out of my apartment, and not to forget, a wasp-nest in my appartment. I even managed to oversee a stop sign while driving and get caught by the police, which, in Germany, is almost impossible.Honestly, can't be to far from hell, or Murphy's world.

Why does this all happen? My boss sometimes laughs and says that he knows I'm not telling lies with all these stories, as noone could come up with all of it. It just happens, life happens.

And just as life happens in the daily situations, and work becomes a safe environment to escape anything else that could be happening, life also happens in other, less evident to the public, aspects.

Being a workoholic I am escaping the loneliness that surrounds me, and the questions that are always on my mind. Work is the easiest route, but is it the safest?

El valor de los excéntricos

Cada día, todos y cada uno de nosotros nos cruzamos con un número considerable de personas: En el colegio, en el trabajo, en la calle, o en un ascensor.
La gran mayoría de estos extraños serán olvidados pocos segundos después del encuentro, mas unos pocos atraerán nuestra atención, y serán recordados por periodos de tiempo mas largos.
Quienes son estos extraños, que permanecen en nuestra memoria, aún sin haber cruzado una palabra con nosotros?
Todos tienen un denominador común: son especiales.
Pero, cómo describir en pocas palabras el ser especial?
Describirlos no es fácil, ya que hay un número indeterminado de formas de ser especial.
La apariencia física y forma de vestir es una de ellas. Si el hombre en la fila de adelante en el teatro mide más de dos metros, al llegar a casa lo recordaremos más fácilmente que si midiera 1,70 metros.
La forma de expresarse es también una característica especial: Aquel que se expresa con un lenguaje grandilocuente, o con un jergón incomprensible, quedará en nuestra memoria por más tiempo que aquel cuyo lenguaje corresponde a lo que nosotros consideramos común.
Una forma más de ser especial es siendo excéntrico, siendo un "Aussensteher". Y es precisamente este grupo aquel al que con mayor firmeza y dureza juzgamos.
Un exéntrico es con frecuencia el blanco de burlas, ó de lástima, y en unas pocas oportunidades, un ser admirado. Ejemplos de excéntricos son los "nerds" y los hermitaños, y en algunos lugares, las personas que provienen de una cultura diferente, e incomprendida.
La pregunta que surge es entonces, qué factores determinan si un excéntrico entra en el grupo de burlas, o de lástima, o en el de admiración?
Asumiendo una escala del 1 al 5, en el que 1 corresponde a blanco de burlas, y 5 a centro de admiración, los excéntricos que obtienen un 5 son generalmente muy cultos e inteligentes. Albert Einstein, y Madame Curie, son ejemplos de este grupo. Los dos fueron excéntricos en su tiempo, pero dejaron un legado a la humanidad, y aún en su época fueron admirados por grupos de la sociedad.
Quienes obtienen un 1 en la escala suelen ser personas tímidas, solitarias, de inteligencia lógico-racional promedio, e inteligencia social baja.
Saberse uno un excéntrico ayuda a sobrellevar las burlas, y las expresiones de lástima, a seguir adelante y a no darse por vencido. Mas ser un excéntrico promedio lleva a grandes incertidumbres, a con frecuencia a lágrimas. Qué valor tenemos para el mundo, quienes somos excéntricos promedio, y por lo tanto ni somos parte real de la sociedad, ni tenemos la capacidad de dejar una huella en el mundo? No hay un valor obvio que pueda ser visto en esta situación.
Somos considerados ejemplos sobre como no guiar una vida? Tenemos una función? Para Aristóteles todos los seres tienden a cumplir una función que les es propia, pero esta no es fácil de ver.
Vivimos en un mundo de clasificaciones, y buscamos, como todos, nuestro lugar y función en la vida. El no encontrar este lugar o función conlleva a sentirnos inútiles, estorbos, y nos puede llevar a considerar diferentes maneras de ponerle fin a la situación. Solo la fortaleza interna, y aquellos a quienes queremos, nos mantienen, y la esperanza de encontrar este lugar.
Que si los excéntricos tienen valor? Sí. lo tienen. Bien sea como seres admirables, o como aquellos que día a día luchan por seguir adelante, y encontrar su lugar.

Airth, Mayo 31, 2010

Infierno

Al buscar la palabra infierno en el Diccionario de la lengua española, encuentra uno el origen de la palabra, y cerca de 11 significados que puede tener, sin incluir los usos idiomáticos que se le puede dar a la palabra.
La pregunta que viene a la mente es, ¿Qué me llevó a buscar esta palabra, cuyo significado puede parecer obvio, en un diccionario?
La primera respuesta que me viene a la mente es que tuve lo que se llama un "Día de Perros", el señor Murphy demostró su omnipotencia, y mi mente me jugó con ello una mala pasada.
De todas las definiciones que el diccionario me ofrece, la primera es la que más aplica:

1. m. Rel. Lugar donde los condenados sufren, después de la muerte, castigo eterno.(https://www.rae.es)

Mi día de perros me llevó de regreso a ese lugar, pero aún no comprendo la condena que estoy pagando.
Al acabar el Colegio e irme de Bogotá, creí haber dejado el infierno atrás: Ya no tenía que madrugar a ver a quienes me acabaron psicológicamente cuando niña, y me hicieron una adolescente insegura, y una adulta hoy en día solitaria. Ya no tendría que, día a día soportar sus burlas, pretendiendo una fortaleza que nunca he tenido, y permitiendo que me "usaran" a su gusto, tan sólo para pasar unas horas, ó unos minutos en compañía.

Han pasado casi 7 años desde el día que el rector del colegio me negó, durante la ceremonia de grado, los premios que me correspondían por rendimiento académico (El profesor que estaba encargado de leer los nombres durante la ceremonia confirmó este dato), lo que para mi, después de 12 años de vejaciones, constituyó la mayor de las humillaciones. Ese fue también el día en que decidí, definitivamente, abandonar Colombia para en lo posible no regresar con vida (Aunque muchos creen que la decisión llevaba años tomada,sólo la tomé durante esa ceremonia).
Han pasado 7 años, durante los cuales me he dedicado a conocerme a mí misma, a descifrar mis propios sueños y metas, y, en alguna medida, lo he logrado.

Sin embargo, el pasado no desaparece fácilmente, y el día de hoy me llevó de regreso al colegio, a llorar de rabia, a odiarme a mí misma, y a mi vida. Me llevó de nuevo a tratar de entender mi cometido en esta vida, y a preguntarme ¿Qué hice en mis vidas pasadas, para no lograr salir del infierno?

La undécima definición de la palabra es:
11. m. Cuba. Cierto juego de naipes.(https://www.rae.es)
Quisiera que mi infierno fuera tan sólo eso, un juego de naipes...

Posdata: Es la primera vez en 4 años que escribo en español, intentando cumplir con la gramática y ortografía españolas. Espero no sea doloroso a los ojos de quienes aún conocen las reglas ortográficas y gramaticales del idioma. :)

Memories Part 1: Pre-School

When out with friends or colleagues, conversations often go into memories, childhood dreams and experiences people have gone through. I feel unsure on what reaction I should have in those situations, as for good or bad, most of my memories between 1990 and 2004 are gone. I do have clear memories of my pre-school years, as well as some random memories from Kindergarten, elementary, middle and high school. However I have to recognize that given the clear and concise memories I have from when I was 4 years old, I seem to have forgotten most of my childhood and teenager years.
I remember in pre-school, first in Sprendlingen in Germany, and then at "La Hormiguita". I first went to a Kinder in Sprendlingen, Germany. I only went there for about 2 months, when my family was planning on moving back to Germany before I started school, so me and my sister didn't have to change school afterwards and go through the whole leaving friends behind, and so on. I went to the same kinder my older cousin Vanessa visited, she was in her last pre school year and I was allowed to go in her class because I didn't speak German, and she spoke a bit Spanish. We used to play most of the time, and I loved playing in some sorts of tunnels twhere I would hide. ne boy used to make fun of me, and hit me, and I remember one day before school that I told my mom, and she screamed at the boy in Spanish. He never came close to me again. In school we used to take naps, and sometimes paint as well. I was one of the smallest kids in the class, if not the smallest and youngest, and Vanessa often protected me from older kids. After school we used to go home, and then in the afternoons my mom would take me and my sister to the park, where my sister and I would play (and of course scream). We lived back then at my grandmas', and she lived in a last floor. I would always go up the stairs jumping, which caused continuous jelling from my grandmother, as this was disturbing for the neighbors. After some weeks, Vanessa also learnt to jump up the stairs. I must recognize her mother was not pleased at all on the influence I was having in her well educated, quiet, German kid.
After about 2 months my parents decided to go back to Colombia, dad was going to stay some more years in Colombia as an expat, which meant I would start school in Bogota.
Once we got back to Bogota, I started going to "La Hormiguita". I must have been 3 and a half when I first went to la Hosrmiguita, and I remember the girls I always played with, and the doll house in the garden: We were 3 groups of girls who always wanted to play in the house, and we ran when the teahcers opened the door to get it, or try to. The boys used to climb on the outside for the sake of it, while we girls pretended to go grocery shopping (sand!) and to cook and such.
Every morning we would stand behind our chairs and pray, We would oray to the Guardian Angel, and to Virgin Mary.
I also remember I I had difficulties holding the pencil right, so the teacher always put a special rubber form in my pencil, to make me hold it correctly. I remember the day we learnt the days of the week, and some other words related to time. The teacher gave each of us papers where whe had put symbols. Mondays we normally had 'sports' so Monday was represented by a boy who loved to play ball. Wednesdays was arts day, I remember I was representing 'alternating', as my week was alternating between German with Connie and La Hormiguita.
I only went to the Hormiguita 3 times a week, the other 2 days I had German lessons with Connie, Tuesdays my parents drove me to Cota, and Fridays class was in a house in Bogota.
My 4th birthday was celebrated in the Hormiguita, I had a green dress, and my pre-school classmates were all there. The motive for the party was "guri guri", and I got a stuffed guri guri as a present. My neighour, who lived in the 4th floor of the building I lived in, was also there. We never walked together to school, but we often saw talked there. She was a bit older than me, and was sick. I often wonder now if she survived. I was too little to understand why she always wore a hat and seemed not to have hair. As I grew older I understood she had cancer.
I remember a day or two that my sister went with me to the Hormiguita. She had to stay with the younger kids, I was not yet 4, and she was barely 2.
All together I went to the Hormiguita for one year only: School year 88/89. While I was in the Hormiguita I had my admission test to the "Big School": I went 2 days to the Andino, where I was put with other kids I didn't know, and we had people talking to us, time to paint and play, etc. I remember an older man asking me what my drawing was, and watching me put a kids jigsaw together.
I also remember I had Blackberry juice in my lunch box, and I made a mess of my clothes with it. My lunchbox was pink, and the motive was "My little Pony". The classroom in the big school where I was for theh test was the Rabbit, and the teacher's name was Ingrid. The old guy's name was Jorge (Years later I figured out he was the school's psychologist).
After the school year ended we went to Germany for the summer, and once summer vacation was over I started to visit the "big school", the Colegio Andino, where I was a student until I finished High School.

Things I hate

While looking for a picture to give R. tomorrow as a present, I came across a list somebody had written. It was named "100 things I hate" and while reading it, I realized many of the points apply to me as well.
So I decided to start my own list, although I don't believe I can make it to 100 :).
Things I hate, not organized in any meaningful way, but simply in the order they occur to me.
1-People who drive below the speed limit during rush hour (be real, you are an obstacle and everybody who is behind you is most likely in a hurry)
2-Elderly people who go shopping in the evenings (Well, yes you might feel lonely, but those of us who work to pay YOUR monthly allowance have to wake up early to go work, to make money for you, and would love if, once we leave work, we can make our shopping and go home and rest. You do nothing all day, please go shopping when we are working)
3-Stay home mummies who go shopping in the evenings (We don't think your baby's screaming is cute, so leave it home or go when we are not around)
4-Parents who have no control on their kids (I don't give a sh** if you have a headache and your kid is bored in the airplane, your kid, your problem, and if you can't handle the kid, at least get it drunk so it doen't bother the rest of us)
5-People who stay on the sidewalk to talk and don't ,ove when others get there, also applies in doors, hallways, stairs, etc. (Very nice that you have met your friend unexpectedly, now go grab a chair and a table and get out of my way)
6-Peple who think that the country I was born in determines how I behave (get real and lose your stupidity, there is a reason why I left the country and didn't return after college)
7-People who have no common sense (If I walk away every time you come close to me, and I ignore you when you talk to me it means I don't want you to talk or come close to me! Get it!)
8-Mediocre people (If you have a brain, use it. If you don't, go away)
9-People who are not punctual (My time is as important as yours, if you don't respect it, don't expect me to respect yours)
10-Young people-under 55- who don't give their seats to elderly, small children or pregnant women (This is a society and whether or not you like it, some people need the seat more than you. Get your ass up, you have healthy legs and no baby in your belly)
11-People who don't say their opinion and feel humiliated when you make a decision they disagree with (you have a mouth and know how to articulate words. Use your mouth and say what you think. I'm not your mother nor your therapist to interpret your body language)
12-People who complain about progress, yet drive a car, have an iphone and are connected to internet all the time (If you hate progress, don't use technology, if you use technology, stop the bullshit)
13-People who listen to music in trains or on the street without earphones, also applies to people at work who don't mute their phone and computer (I don't care what music you like, how many ringtones you have, or how often you get a communicator message or an email. Be quiet and keep your crap for yourself)
14-People who complain about the government, yet decide not to vote because it is too crowded (Your vote gives you a right to complain, so if you don't vote, shut the fu** up)
15-People who don't dress appropriately for work (I don't care what you want to dress like, if you come to work, I don't wanna see your tatoos, your boops or your boxers)
16- People who adjust their opinion depending on the audience, or change their opinion during a conversation by saying "yes, that's what I mean" (If you don't have an opnion of your own, don't say anything. If you have ne, defend it)
17- People who go through life without noticing anything around it (Again, this is a society, be part of it. At least read the news)
18- People who judge others without knowing the background (Do you think you know what my life has been like because you have seen me for 5 minutes? What an idi**)
19- People who think they are interesting to others because they have money (Do you think that we don't see your ridiculous face, or hear what you say? There is much more in this planet than money)
20- Guys with long hair and earrings
21- Girls who giggle all the time with that stupid voice that denotes ignorance
22- Electronic music (Its noise for God's sake)
23- Religious extremism
24- People who live of the state and make 3 months vacation a year (I pay your food, and I can't afford such a vacation, WTF)
25- Thieves
26- Travelers who disrespect the culture of the country they are visiting ( You are the guest, be respectful, if they don't like pictures, don't make them!)
27- Repeated mistakes (it happened once, learn from it)
28-Excel files that have over 4 colors (If you want to use a code, make it clear and concise, if you like to color your work, become an artist)
29- Rats, mice and any animal that has more than 4 legs.
30-ALLERGIES
31- People whose brains have no furniture (maybe they sold the brain...)
32- Unwelcomed advice
33- Rpeated questions (If you asked once and I didn't answer, get the hint)
34- People that have no dreams (Life is a dream, the more you dream and fight for your dreams, the more you live)
35- Email chains (No, I don't care if I die at noon, I won't forward it, nor will I read it. Get a hobby)
36- People who say an author is bad because the movie of the book was boring (Books and Movies are NOT the same, if you want to hate the writer, read the book)
37- Driving in the city
38- Parking in the city
39- Speed limits
40- Trucks
41- "Yes men"
42- Salads

Yeah, I can't come up with moer right now :) Maybe I will continue it some day...

Home

I often write here about life, about my thoughts and feelings.
Today I want to talk about home. Where is home? Home is where you feel the most comfortable, where you can be yourself without the fear of being judged. throught my life I have lived in many places: My parent's house back in Bogota, my dorms when I was in college in Boston, the house in Dreieich, my appartments in Sulzbach and my appartment in Koeln. Not to forget also my host family's house in Husum. Now the question is: were all those places "home"? Is home the place where you live?
I have came to realize that although there is a relation, it is not always like that. Some of the dorms I lived in never felt as home, and the first appartment I lived in when I came to Germany wasn't home either. However, most of the places I have lived in after I left Bogota have been home, and the house in Dreieich to.
I find that any place that has been home remains home, although there is a rating for the level of home it is: Some places are home due to the memories they bring, but while there behavious needs to be adjusted, other places are home, because the absolute freedom is there.
Home is a safe place, is a place where you can think, and plan your life. Home is where (like my father says) you bring your dirty laundry to.
It took me a while to get used to life in Germany, but eventually it became home. Top home for me is now my appartment in Koeln, the place where I spend the most of my free time (and part of my work time), the place that I am decorationg to my wish, and the place I am proud of.
Bogota and Dreieich, and also my host family's house will remain home, but to a lower degree. Home is now Germany.

Citizenship

Often, when I have met someone at work, or when somebody hears me speak, I get the "Where are you from?" question. I often struggle when answering, and this confuses me.
Where am I from? Should the answer mention the country I was born in? Should the answer be the country I feel the most comfortable in? Should the answer be the place I feel I belong to? Or should it be the country that gave me the passport I travel and live on?
It might sound strange, but the answers to these questions differ from one to another.
I was born in Bogota, Colombia, and lived there until I finished High School. Through High School all I could think off was how to get out of that country, how to move somewhere, and forget about Colombia. I even asked my parents to send me to boarding school, but my parents refused as my mom went for some time to such a school and hated it. So I was stuck in Colombia til I finished High School, and was 18 years old.
My father is Spanishm and by birth I received Spanish citizenship. I use this as my identification, travel on the Spanish passport, and for all practical means I write "Spanish" under citizenship. I have never lived in Spain, but I hold the passport.
I moved to Boston, Mass., and attended college there. I loved my life there. It was like any life, filled with good and bad moments, but the struggle to live and be there was not present, and I felt at home there more than I ever did in Colombia.
After finishing college, and not being able to get a job there due to my beloved birthplace, I moved to Germany, where I have been for the last two and a half years. I have gotten used to my life here, and somehow, what I did not expect to ever happen, have started to settle down: I got my car, my big and beautiful appartment, furniture, and pretty much everything that belongs to a home except for the pet. I feel comfortable here, and I can see myself here in many years.

But how to answer the question? Yes, I am Colombian by birth, I am Bostoninan (not US American) by heart, I am Spanish by passport, and I am German by life (also by attitude according to many).
My answer to the question is normally "I was born in Colombia, and am half Spanish". It makes little sense. However, giving the whole answer would make even less sense. I am a citizen of the world.

Logistics

I am one of those person who need a logistics planner. I am not sure how I make it, but more often than I can recall, I find myself in situations in which I need to travel twice over an ocean in under a week, and handle with the jetlag while moving on with life.
Vacation is one of the times when this happens. And then there is also work.
In the past 2 weeks I have been to 5 countries. Next week I will go home, to Colombia, for 10 days. And then, uon my return, it will be time to continue with travelling, and Warsaw and Neufra will be waiting for me. C'est la vie.
Now there is one more logistics planning requirement: R. & P.s wedding. It will be at the end of May. During the week I am planning to be in the US. Only problem: wedding is in the UK.
This means I will need to first go to Boston, vote, and then on the same day fly to the UK to the wedding, and then return to Boston for the rest of my vacation. Don't forget I onlz have one week vacation: lots of travelling and jetlag in a short period of time. Yes, this is my life like.
Many might wonder why I am inclined to put myself under so much stress. Well, truth is I feel honored by being invited to the wedding. And R. is a very special person for me. She has became a good friend for me, somebody I can trust, ask if she wants to do something over the weekend, or simply ask for advice. Me, asking for advice... Yes, she is such a person.
I will do my best, will try to arrange my logistics and be with her in the most important day of her life up to now. I want her to know how much I care.
Others (or the same) might wonder why I don't spend the rest of my vacation in the UK, and don't go back to Boston. Well, reason behind is another friend of mine. We might no be that close now, but in college she was my greatest support in the most dififcult times. It is her birthday, and even though she forgot mine two months ago, I want her to know I don't forget hers. I am planning on doing something special on her day with her boyfriend, doggy, and friends.
Friends are treasures, and each one of them deserves all sacrifices. At least this is how I see life.
C. says "OMG, was fuer ein Chaos! Und die ganze Welt ist wieder im Spiel".
Yes, it is like that. But friendship is stronger.

Although, I wuoldn't complain if I had a logistics planner! So much less to think about and organize!

Time to freak out

Time to freak out
As the day of my relocation approaches, as I see how everything here in Schwalbach approaches an end, and the future in Koeln and Euskirchen new begin, I feel how it is again time to freak out.
Yes, I want to move, I want to start my new assignment and I want to keep growing. However, I am afraid.
Many will ask why I am afraid, after all, I know the people I will be working with, I know people where I will be living, and I have no problems with transportation or language. Others, those who know how I have a tendency to behave, might know that I am afraid of becoming, once again, a complete hermit.
Some of the questions that come to my mind are: will I dare calling R, or anyone, if I want to go out, to the movies? Or will I do as I do here, either go alone or not go at all and wait until the movie is released for sale, and then watch it at home? Will I join the group of new hires once in a while? Or will I always find a good excuse not to, til they stop inviting me, as it happened here in schwalbach?
Will I stop drinking alone, after work, or will I continue it, as a way of escaping the loneliness and the fear of calling people and being told they have no time, or are not in the mood, for doing something?
I know I rather handle loneliness than rejection, and we all also know that I have a weakness in recognizing the reasons that are behind when I am told something is not possible, and I always take it personally. Sometimes it might be personal (aka Ana ), but sometimes not, and by not being capable of recognizing that difference I hurt myself, and lock myself into a world that none other than myself can access.
Only one question remains, what will life be like in Koeln?

June 2009

Sonrisa

Sonrisa sombria
Hay dias que al verme en el espejo veo una mujer a la que no reconozco: una turbia sombra se ha posado sobre mi rostro, y mis ojos no expresan nada fuera de dolor, tristeza y desilusion.
Es cierto que soy solitaria, y que a veces la soledad me hace sentir desolada, pero esa tristeza que emana de mis poros es mas de lo que se manejar.
Los motivos son multiples, creo, pero insisto en que me desconcierta el ver como una situacion especifica en la oficina me afecta tanto, en todo sentido.
Estoy haciendo planes para faltar al trabajo. La ultima vez que recuerdo haber este tipo de planes era aun una ninha de colegio, seguramente estaba en octavo o noveno, antes del intercambio, y con una autoestima que no era realmente existente. Si miro a mi alrededor hoy en dia veo a una mujer adulta, independiente, ya que en la maoria de aspectos de la vida ha madurado. Autoestima es un concepto que existe, y que me ayuda dia a dia a crecer mas. Es por eso probablemente que la situacion me desconcierta tanto. Como es possible que llegado este punt de mi vida, sea aun incapaz de manejar este tipo de situaciones.
Me sorprende que esa sombria mirada la detecte yo misma, me veo dia a dia en el espejo, y de ser una situacion transitoria no me afectaria, o preocuparia: todos tenemos dias Buenos y dias malos. Sin embargo tengo la sensacion de que no es tan transitorio. To des relativo, es ierto, y una situacion transitoria puede ser larga o corta, dependiendo desde el punto de vista.
Puedo imaginarme que no le di importancia a esta situacion en un principio al considerar que no duraria mucho, al pensar que seria cuestion de semanas el volver a encontrar motivacion en el trabajo, dejar de sentir que mi jefe es un controlador maniatico que se dedica a evitar que me adapte a mi nueva vida, dejar de sentir que mi trabajo no tiene ningun sentido, que es una perdida de tiempo, ya que al fin y al cabo lo unico que hago es responder emails, y que la gente que los recibe los considere inutiles y le pidan ayuda a un tercero.
Esa temporada de no darle importancia ha llegado a su fin, ya van demasiadas semanas, y la situacion no mejora, si acaso emperora. He empezado a llorar por el trabajo sentada en la sala recuerdo algo del trabajo, y sin poder evitarlo me ataco a llorar. Dice el dicho que “lo que no te mat ate hace mas fuerte”, y yo me veo obligada a preguntarme si deseo seguir adelante, haciendme “mas fuerte”, o si prefeiro darme por vencida, renunciar, y tartar de buscar una vida diferente, volver a ser estudiante, o simplemente darme por vencida con mis suenhos, regresar a Colombia, hacerme las cirugias requeridas, y convertirme en una mujer estereotipo de Colombia. Eso requeriria dejar de pensar, lo que no se si seria capaz de lograr, pero aparte del dejar de pensar no deberia haber mucho retos mas, ok, el reto mayor despues de dejar de pensar constituiria encontrar un hombre que se interese en una mujer inestable, y que ha vivido una vida tan poco tradicional segun la cultura Colombian. De pronto lo lograria, y lograria una vida mas tranquila.
He descubierto que paso mucho tiempo sonhando despierta. Suenho con un futuro en el que me siento a gusto conmigo misma, con un futuro en el que no huyo de mi, de mi vida, de lo que me rodea, y de quienes estan a mi lado.
El regalo y milagro de la Amistad lo descubri en los ultimos anhos, y lo se valorar como nada en este mundo, Pero a la vez llego a querer y a apreciar tanto a esos amigos que lo ultimo que deseo es danharlos, o causarles dolor.
Por un lado me trato de convencer a mi misma que soy un ser insignificante, y que no hay nada que pueda hacer yo que tenga importancia para quienes me rodean, por el otro lado, hay dias que desvubr que hay personas para quienes soy una persona significativa, probablemente no valiosa, pero si alguien a quien han llegado a apreciar, y eso me da fierzas para seguir adelante, pero me turba el pensar que podria hacerles danho.
Es cierto, nadie debe darle a otros el poder de hacer danho. Yo soy reconocida por haber fracas ado en ese area, ya que a mi cualquiera me puede hacer danho, no se necesita ser muy avispado para descubrir lo sensible y delcada que es mi alma. Y al verme a mi misma me da miedo pensar que alguno de quienes quiero, y que en uno u otro momento me ha hecho sentir que me aprecian sea en algun sentido sensible como yo. Mi vida no es muy significativa, y la de quienes quiero lo es y mucho, no quiero causarles danho alguno, ellos no se lo merecen.

Maria Alexandra Mainzhausen
Agosto 9, 2009

Migrana

Que es una migrana? Para mi, es parte de mi vida, algo que es triste. Migranas van y vienen, con mucha frecuencia. Por regal general, los sabados, dias en que no tomo café al levantarme, me dan, al igual que si lloro, o estoy estresada.
El motivo no lo conozco, y desde que estoy en tratamiento, casi un ano, las migranas Fuertes han disminuido, y no he faltado al trabajo por ellas de Nuevo, ni ido al medico. Me mantengo a base de iburoprofen de 800mg, y las pastillas las cargo en mi cartera, en la maleta del trabajo, y en el escritorio de la oficina. Es curioso, a pesar de todo, me he acostumbrado a las migranas, y aun cuando las tengo, siempre y cuando sean de 1-5 en una escala de 10, sigo con mis cosas, trabajo, television, musica y lo que sea.
Hay dias en que son 6-10. No tengo muchos recuerdos de esos dias. Me levanto, tomo pastillas, a veces mi cuerpo las rechaza, vuelvo a la cama, y trato de olvidar que existo.
No hay nada que pueda hacer para combatirlas una vez me han dado, simplemente tartar de sobrellevarlas, sin acabar en el hospital. Ya dos veces acabe en ER en Boston por culpa de migranas… Y son el unico motivo de salud por el cual he llegado tarde, o faltado al trabajo.
Pero de donde vienen? No lo se, mis conocimientos de genetica no son tan Fuertes, y la verdad me hace falta el interes para averiguarlo. Me basta saber que existen, que me persiguen, y que, en mi caso, son cronicas, y me acompanaran hasta el dia que deje de existir.

Migranas…

Marzo 2009

Work

I have been working now for two an d a half years, and, most of the time, I have liked it.I really love the company I work for, love it so much that I am willing to tolerate and simply live with all the problems I once in a while see in it. Also, I joined the company in a very strong and organized department, whose structure I understood and felt comfortable with.
However, there is nothing good that lasts forever, and things started to change last summer.
You might wonder what I am referring to, as I have clearly stated I love the company... I do love it, but the department I am in has imploded, its structure, management, and even the handling of the employees and their projects has changed.
Until January I had not realized how important the variable "organization you work in" was for me, but after my vacation I came to understand that, regardless of the work I do, I also need to feel comfortable where I am.
So here I am, wondering what I should do next. I have an interesting offer in Cincinnati, in a city that I do not like at all, but in a country that I love, and where I want to return.
I could quit my job, and return to Colombia for six months or so. In Colombia I could either work in dad's company, or find a job as a tutor for math, or take some courses in a college and maybe homologate my degrees in Colombia so in the future, if I choose to, I can work in Colombia. There are countless opportunities.
I could also continue working til the end of the year, and saving money like mad, and then take off for a year or so to India, Indonesia, Australia, or simply wherever the wind takes me to.
Going back to college and getting a Masters, and maybe even a PhD would also be an option. Why not? If I decided to go back, I would probably finish both around my 30th birthday, which is a pretty decent time, and age, to be done with two bachelors, a masters and a PhD.
Going back to the offer in Cinci, I could take it and move back into the US in the near future. I would sacrifice my vacation (in the US I would get 2 weeks a year, here I have 6!), and all that I have achieved here in the past two and a half years. Would it be worth it? It took me a long while to get used to my life here, but now I do enjoy it, except for work half of the time. I have some good friends, a beautiful apartment and the best car in the world.
Lastly, I could no nothing, and stay where I am. Summer is approaching, and my mood will be better soon. It is only 2 weeks left until there is more day than night, and with it one of the biggest variables and depression triggers in me will no longer be present until September.
The current situation is my first big problem since I started leading my own life, and I am afraid that if I don't confront it and try to solve it on my own terms, I will never learn to handle these situations. Risky situation as I don't want to picture myself always running away and starting from zero just to avoid facing and solving my problems. But is it worth to keep figthing, and eventually failing?
Escape is the easiest way out. It is not necessary safe. And it won't help me solve my future problems. And now I need to decide between safety or easiness, or simply facing things as they are, solving them, and hopefully feeling the pride of reaching my goals on my own terms.

What If

What if...
Probably the most common thought I go through on a daily basis. What if?

Every day in life there is a need to take decisions. These may require little or no thought, or, on the other side, they might require a detailed analysis of what the consequences could be.
What if I skip lunch, is an easy one. What if I go back to school, is a pretty difficult one.

The reason behind this writting is an apparently easy decision, which turned out to be more meaningful than I ever suspected.

This girl, I am going to call her HappyGirl, showed in a short period of time a ardical change of attitude. I met her about six months ago, and she was a quiet person, a girl people liked, and who was always a nice company in the smoker's corner. About two months ago, after christmas break, she started acting differently: she was always loud, started sending inappropriate emails, and gained herself a difficult reputation among those of us who knew her.

HappyGirl invited me for dinner some 4 weeks ago, and during our dinner she told me she was on some anti-depressive medication. Instantly I suspected the doctor had not been following her as regularly as he should, and knew nothing of the change in attitude she was showing. I decided not to say anything, following my golden rule: "If it is not your life, it is not your problem".
Was I mistaken?

HappyGirl lost contact with reality 2 weeks ago. She returned to her home country (Rumors say she was forced back by her family), and taken into a hospital.

What if I had said something? Could I have impacted her in a good way? Could my action had stopped her, or at least made her aware of what was going on with her in other people's eyes, which she didn't notice? Would she still be in Germany?

What if? Two words and a question mark. Two words that have been hunting me since she left. It seemed obvious it wasn't my problem: She has family and we were not even close friends. However, it looks like I was one of the few people who saw a reason behind her changes. Did seeing this reason give me responsibility on her? What if I had said something? Her life after she recovers won't be the same. She will no longer work where she used to in Germany, she will have to find herself again, and probably in a new environment, with new challenges.

What if?