The popular song "Que sera, sera", written in the mid 50s, expresses what I have been telling myself over the last half decade regarding my life: What will be, will be. The dreams I once had a a girl have long since abandoned me, and there are few and emotional times now, when they come back and remind me of what I once hoped to achieve in life. Some of those dreams depended fully on me, other only partially. What they all have in common now is that I have given them up.
I wanted to dedicate my life to medical research. As a 10 year old I use to mix different things, liquids and food, and observe over days what happened. I loved to wear white coats, and put on goggles, and pretend I was a scientific. I held the dream of investigation, no longer in medicine but in engineering, until I was over 20, when I still tried to get into a PhD program. I only got into the MSc, which would still have opened the door to a PhD later on, but by then I was scared of what could be if I failed, and decided to take the safest option I had at the time, and accept the job offer.
I wanted to be recognized as an athlete either in tennis, or in rollerblading, and much longer ago in gymnastics or horseback riding. Gymnastics I gave up, because the girls in my class were much better than I was and made fun of me, horseback riding because I developed allergies to horses, and tennis and rollerblading cause I gained too much weight, and once again people laughed at me. Giving those up and dedicating all efforts to those activities for which fat girls were accepted (also known as nerds) was much easier.
Academically I re-shaped my dreams to fit the image that I considered was the way to be accepted by society. I do love engineering, physics and math, and I do love reading, however, besides of reading, neither engineering nor physics belong to my childhood dreams. They have brought some sort of fullfilment in my life, and as long as I don't remember what the real dreams were, they remain my passions.
As a person I dreamt of finding the "right" one, and get married by 27 and become a mother by 30. I am now 27, and have not found him, which automatically delays any dreams of motherhood. While some could say to this topic that you cannot accelerate your future, I must admit that in the last 5 years I have taken myself out of the game, and have worked on not getting to know anybody. I am not sure if my "intimidating" character is a consequence of this effort, it is in any case very helpful.
I dreamt of belonging to a clique. I have some friends, spread over the world, and I was lucky enough to belong to a clique for about 2 years of my life while in college. After leaving college I realized that those 2 marvelous years had been an exeption, and that I simply make friends with people all of which belong to a clique in which I don't fit. I now am thankful for my friends, even if it means that the opportunities I have to see them are limited as I simply don't belong in their groups.
The dreams of my past are thus gone, there is however a newer dream I have built over the last years: Moving back to Boston and starting a new life, a stable an permanent life, there. Currently I am facing a "crisis" with two potential outcomes: giving up that newer dream, or going for it. There are things I am used to I might lose (vacation and flexibility), and the thought of losing them and not feeling fulfilled draws me into overthinking mode. I think I love Boston as the city it is. I cannot deny the memories I have, as well as the friends I left behind there, most likely have an influence to my emotions regarding Boston, however, I believe that there is more to the city than friends and memories. In Boston I feel alive, I am not intimidated by the people around me walking on the street, and when I walk I don't have the need of having my hands in my pockets and looking to the floor. There I am not ashamed of myself when going to the movies on my own, or for a drink. I feel home, and a sense of happiness invades me every time I see the Charles river, walk on Boston Common, or sit next to the Ocean in the Columbus Waterfront Park.
I am now working on going away from Que sera, sera. My destiny will come, yes, but I feel I need to act to bring it to me, and I need to start by making a decision so I can go after the one dream I still have not given up.
I wanted to dedicate my life to medical research. As a 10 year old I use to mix different things, liquids and food, and observe over days what happened. I loved to wear white coats, and put on goggles, and pretend I was a scientific. I held the dream of investigation, no longer in medicine but in engineering, until I was over 20, when I still tried to get into a PhD program. I only got into the MSc, which would still have opened the door to a PhD later on, but by then I was scared of what could be if I failed, and decided to take the safest option I had at the time, and accept the job offer.
I wanted to be recognized as an athlete either in tennis, or in rollerblading, and much longer ago in gymnastics or horseback riding. Gymnastics I gave up, because the girls in my class were much better than I was and made fun of me, horseback riding because I developed allergies to horses, and tennis and rollerblading cause I gained too much weight, and once again people laughed at me. Giving those up and dedicating all efforts to those activities for which fat girls were accepted (also known as nerds) was much easier.
Academically I re-shaped my dreams to fit the image that I considered was the way to be accepted by society. I do love engineering, physics and math, and I do love reading, however, besides of reading, neither engineering nor physics belong to my childhood dreams. They have brought some sort of fullfilment in my life, and as long as I don't remember what the real dreams were, they remain my passions.
As a person I dreamt of finding the "right" one, and get married by 27 and become a mother by 30. I am now 27, and have not found him, which automatically delays any dreams of motherhood. While some could say to this topic that you cannot accelerate your future, I must admit that in the last 5 years I have taken myself out of the game, and have worked on not getting to know anybody. I am not sure if my "intimidating" character is a consequence of this effort, it is in any case very helpful.
I dreamt of belonging to a clique. I have some friends, spread over the world, and I was lucky enough to belong to a clique for about 2 years of my life while in college. After leaving college I realized that those 2 marvelous years had been an exeption, and that I simply make friends with people all of which belong to a clique in which I don't fit. I now am thankful for my friends, even if it means that the opportunities I have to see them are limited as I simply don't belong in their groups.
The dreams of my past are thus gone, there is however a newer dream I have built over the last years: Moving back to Boston and starting a new life, a stable an permanent life, there. Currently I am facing a "crisis" with two potential outcomes: giving up that newer dream, or going for it. There are things I am used to I might lose (vacation and flexibility), and the thought of losing them and not feeling fulfilled draws me into overthinking mode. I think I love Boston as the city it is. I cannot deny the memories I have, as well as the friends I left behind there, most likely have an influence to my emotions regarding Boston, however, I believe that there is more to the city than friends and memories. In Boston I feel alive, I am not intimidated by the people around me walking on the street, and when I walk I don't have the need of having my hands in my pockets and looking to the floor. There I am not ashamed of myself when going to the movies on my own, or for a drink. I feel home, and a sense of happiness invades me every time I see the Charles river, walk on Boston Common, or sit next to the Ocean in the Columbus Waterfront Park.
I am now working on going away from Que sera, sera. My destiny will come, yes, but I feel I need to act to bring it to me, and I need to start by making a decision so I can go after the one dream I still have not given up.
