It has been a fairly long time since I last sat and wrote my thoughts in a media other than lose paper sheets, and my life has gone through a major change in that time. Last time I wrote I was still working full time in Germany, living a grown up and independent life and looking forward to my trips and most of all to visiting Boston.
I left that job over a year ago, and left Germany with it. While I was ready to leave my life in Germany behind, I was not (and still am not) ready to fully close my chapter with the company. I firmly believe your first employer is similar to your first love (actually, it is way better and more memorable!) and leaving it behind is never an easy decision.
A long time ago i had written a short list of 10 things I wanted to do in my life, some of which were moving back to Boston, getting another degree in university and volunteer teaching math, among others. The 3 items above have now been crossed of my bucket list, or almost. I am about to finish my Masters degree in Boston, and last Summer I volunteered for a month in the Philippines, teaching English and Mathematics at an elementary school in one of the poorest provinces of the country. It was an exciting time, not necessary easy, but I treasure all my memories form my gap "year", an experience I would not have thought I would still go through.
Life now is very different, I live in a small apartment, which I share with two young women who are almost a decade younger than me. I am a full time student without income, and can't travel as much as I would like to. I enjoy my day to day, and see mostly positive things around me, not even the 105inches snow we have received in the paset 6 weeks can take me down! I love my life, I love being in Boston and despite the fact that I miss my old company and friends I left in Germany, I can't regret the decisions I've made. Which brings me to a special friend who has been going through a similar thought process I went through years ago.
As a person who left her home country right out of high school, and decided to not follow the societal rules imposed to me by the society she grew up in, I have always felt that all the eyes back home are directed towards me. If I fail at anything, everybody back home will have elements to rub on me next time they see me, failure is just not an option, and ideally I have to reach harder, more exclusive targets than any of my aquaintances from back home who did decide to follow the rules.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and often forget that we only live once, and the sole purpose in life is to be happy.
We grew up in a society that told us that to be happy we needed money, servants, a membership to an exclusive country club. We girls were instructed to look for the best possible bachelor, to be able to spend our time raising a family, ordering our servants around and maybe having tea with like-minded women in the country club. By defying our "pre-set" destiny, we force ourselves to become something "better" than we would have, had we stayed home: reach high positions within a corporation, get more money, travel farther, be more famous, and we strive to reach these goals, even when they don't overlap with the things that make us happy.
Over the years and with the experiences I have made I have become a single 30 year old who doesn't date and is confident that maternity is not for everyone. If I try to think of myself in 10 years from now-at a really scary age!- I see myself living in a house, with a huge backyard, 2 dogs running around (Toby+Rhetty) and with a promising career. I can imagine a partner (not necessarily a husband) and HIS kids there, but I can't imagine myslef changing a child, or giving up my career to become a mother and or housewife. Alternately I can imaginemyself as a mother of adopted kids who are already in elementary school and thus face more difficulties finding a home. I no longer see myself as a famous scientist, or the leader of a major corporation. I would not reject it if it was to happen, but I don't strive for it. I think my goals are more down to earth, are more aligned with what will make me happy, and will enable me to live a meaningful life. I want to enjoy my day to day, I want to have dogs at home, and I want to offer children who were not born in a family that can love them and give them many opportunities in life a second chance.
During my challenging years in Germany I was told by a former supervisor, whom I respect greatly, that I needed to remember that life is made of trade offs: I may get closer to one of my goals, but this will bring me farther away from other goals. Noone can have it all, and the moment when you feel you have it all is when you have re-shaped your original goals to your current life and simply love it. His words had me thinking for a while, and at the end I gave location the highest priority, hence I gave up my big and comfy apartment, my salary and my car, along with financial stability, and went back to school full time in the city I loved and still love. I feel that dealing with the whole roommate situation is worth it, and I have met many wonderful people, who will very likely remain friends as time goes, and remind me of all the paths I have followed in life. I do my homework, or struggle my homework on a daily basis, and am under sleep deprivation, but every time I leave my apartment I smile. I still have mostly an empty fridge but can't help rejoicing when at 2 am I crave icecream and can walk to the nearest supermarket to buy some.
I will probably start a new career within a new coroporation. I will need to build my reputation, and work as hard as I can to make myself a worthy member of the team and corporation altogether. I know I will not meet exactly the same people I used to work with in Germany, but I am sure I will manage to become a part of the team, and that my hard work will pay off. I will get back to where I loved being in my career, I may not go much farther up, but in exchange for that one or 2 levels of prestige within a company I will be able to smile every day when I see myself in the mirror, when I walk outside my door, when I wake up and remember where I am and how lucky I am.If people back home want to judge my decisions they may decide I am a failure as a woman and as a professional: I don't have a family, I am not dating, I don't have a career, I don't have an income. What they don't see is that I am happy, I love my life, and I go to bed every day knowing my next day will be just as marvelous as the one that is coming to an end.
Life is made of trade offs, my friend. Whatever you choose will bring you closer to some of your goals, but will take you farther away from others. Just remember life is about you, not about those people we have crossed paths with and who judge us. The people who matter, the people whose opinion should make us think and re-think our ideas or decisions are those who have always been there for us, and who have even compromised their views of the world in order to see why our life style is beautiful (adopted grandchildren would still be grandchildren, and marriage is not necessary for a succesful and fullfilling partnership are the 2 compromises that came from my family), why our life is wonderful, even if it is not something they would have ever imagined before.
Choose wisely, and if you make the wrong choice, don't be afraid, step back, and try again. We only have one life, we should not only live our life, but also love it.
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