My updated Bucket list

A few years ago I wrote a list of 10 things I really really want to do in my life (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2011/09/10-things-i-want-to-do-before-i-die.html)
Looking back at mmy life in the past 18 months, since I left the perfect job at the perfect company (but in the very very unhappy country for me!), I have been able to achieve some of them.

Items 1-4 have not changed: I still want to have a dog- a beagle- and name him Toby. I do live in an apartment that allows pets, so I guess I can make it happen as soon as I find a way of not being SO late back home from work!:) I still want to learn to pilot an airplane (despite the fact that 1 of the 2 people whose opinion matters to me does not trust me as a car driver!) , and I will, sometime in the future. I want to go to the Antarctica to see the emperor penguins, I just need to build up enough reputation at work so that I can take a long vacation to go, and I want to learn to play the piano.

When I look at the next points, there is some update to be done.
My past blog, T-3 (http://crazymaex.blogspot.com/2013/11/t-3.html) was written at a very critical point in my life. Over 18 months have gone by, and looking back at how I was feeling I feel compelled to give an update: I did not get to move back to the city I love and work in a known industry. Things did not workout the ideal way for me, so I did take a different path, and am happy about it :) After day 3 came I found out my ideal option was not to be, I resigned my job, packed my boxes and backpack and started an 8 month adventure: I first returned home for 3 months and worked there. I traveled as much as safety allowed it. I would have loved to go to the cardinal points, but truth is I could not, I still think I achieved one of my goals (point 9) While I enjoyed life with my parents, I did get the chance to realize that leaving the country after high school was the right thing to do. Afterwards i packed my backpack and went to Asia to volunteer. I spent 4 wonderful weeks in Sugod (San Agustin, Province Romblon) in the Philippines, teaching Math and English to elementary school children. (Point 5 of my 10 Things to do list).
 After the Philippines i did make it back to Boston, and got my Masters (Points 6 and 8 of the list).

Point10 will have to wait, I think I need to find stability in life (most importantly financial) before I can put all my thoughts together in paper and write a book. Idea, I have tons! But I think it is not yet the time.

I live now in my beloved Boston. I cannot say how long I will stay. For the time being I have a work permit, and if it expires and I don't have a work visa, the one thing I know for sure is that I will not allow myself to become an illegal immigrant and I will pack my things and leave. I am proud of myself for having the strength of leaving the company behind and trying somewhere new. I am incredibly happy i got the chance, almost at 30!, to travel for an extended period of time and visiting the all inhabited continents within a 6 month period, and I am happy to have friends who have been with me at every step I have taken.

The last 2 years of my life have been magic, I have been able to close a few points in my bucket list, and the most important goal I have for the next few months is to find new bucket list points, to replace the closed ones.

I don't believe in age per my birth certificate (even though I love the freedom it gives me). You are only old when you run out of goals, and I am going to ensure that does not happen!

Changes and Decisions: thoughts for a special friend

It has been a fairly long time since I last sat and wrote my thoughts in a media other than lose paper sheets, and my life has gone through a major change in that time. Last time I wrote I was still working full time in Germany, living a grown up and independent life and looking forward to my trips and most of all to visiting Boston. 

I left that job over a year ago, and left Germany with it. While I was ready to leave my life in Germany behind, I was not (and still am not) ready to fully close my chapter with the company. I firmly believe your first employer is similar to your first love (actually, it is way better and more memorable!) and leaving it behind is never an easy decision. 

A long time ago i had written a short list of 10 things I wanted to do in my life, some of which were moving back to Boston, getting another degree in university and volunteer teaching math, among others. The 3 items above have now been crossed of my bucket list, or almost. I am about to finish my Masters degree in Boston, and last Summer I volunteered for a month in the Philippines, teaching English and Mathematics at an elementary school in one of the poorest provinces of the country. It was an exciting time, not necessary easy, but I treasure all my memories form my gap "year", an experience I would not have thought I would still go through.

Life now is very different, I live in a small apartment, which I share with two young women who are almost a decade younger than me. I am a full time student without income, and can't travel as much as I would like to. I enjoy my day to day, and see mostly positive things around me, not even the 105inches snow we have received in the paset 6 weeks can take me down! I love my life, I love being in Boston and despite the fact that I miss my old company and friends I left in Germany, I can't regret the decisions I've made. Which brings me to a special friend who has been going through a similar thought process I went through years ago. 

As a person who left her home country right out of high school, and decided to not follow the societal rules imposed to me by the society she grew up in, I have always felt that all the eyes back home are directed towards me. If I fail at anything, everybody back home will have elements to rub on me next time they see me, failure is just not an option, and ideally I have to reach harder, more exclusive targets than any of my aquaintances from back home who did decide to follow the rules. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and often forget that we only live once, and the sole purpose in life is to be happy. 

We grew up in a society that told us that to be happy we needed money, servants, a membership to an exclusive country club. We girls were instructed to look for the best possible bachelor, to be able to spend our time raising a family, ordering our servants around and maybe having tea with like-minded women in the country club. By defying our "pre-set" destiny, we force ourselves to become something "better" than we would have, had we stayed home: reach high positions within a corporation, get more money, travel farther, be more famous, and we strive to reach these goals, even when they don't overlap with the things that make us happy. 

Over the years and with the experiences I have made I have become a single 30 year old who doesn't date and is confident that maternity is not for everyone. If I try to think of myself in 10 years from now-at a really scary age!- I see myself living in a house, with a huge backyard, 2 dogs running around (Toby+Rhetty) and with a promising career. I can imagine a partner (not necessarily a husband) and HIS kids there, but I can't imagine myslef changing a child, or giving up my career to become a mother and or housewife. Alternately I can imaginemyself as a mother of adopted kids who are already in elementary school and thus face more difficulties finding a home. I no longer see myself as a famous scientist, or the leader of a major corporation. I would not reject it if it was to happen, but I don't strive for it. I think my goals are more down to earth, are more aligned with what will make me happy, and will enable me to live a meaningful life. I want to enjoy my day to day, I want to have dogs at home, and I want to offer children who were not born in a family that can love them and give them many opportunities in life a second chance. 

During my challenging years in Germany I was told by a former supervisor, whom I respect greatly, that I needed to remember that life is made of trade offs: I may get closer to one of my goals, but this will bring me farther away from other goals. Noone can have it all, and the moment when you feel you have it all is when you have re-shaped your original goals to your current life and simply love it. His words had me thinking for a while, and at the end I gave location the highest priority, hence I gave up my big and comfy apartment, my salary and my car, along with financial stability, and went back to school full time in the city I loved and still love. I feel that dealing with the whole roommate situation is worth it, and I have met many wonderful people, who will very likely remain friends as time goes, and remind me of all the paths I have followed in life. I do my homework, or struggle my homework on a daily basis, and am under sleep deprivation, but every time I leave my apartment I smile. I still have mostly an empty fridge but can't help rejoicing when at 2 am I crave icecream and can walk to the nearest supermarket to buy some. 

I will probably start a new career within a new coroporation. I will need to build my reputation, and work as hard as I can to make myself a worthy member of the team and corporation altogether. I know I will not meet exactly the same people I used to work with in Germany, but I am sure I will manage to become a part of the team, and that my hard work will pay off. I will get back to where I loved being in my career, I may not go much farther up, but in exchange for that one or 2 levels of prestige within a company I will be able to smile every day when I see myself in the mirror, when I walk outside my door, when I wake up and remember where I am and how lucky I am.If people back home want to judge my decisions they may decide I am a failure as a woman and as a professional: I don't have a family, I am not dating, I don't have a career, I don't have an income. What they don't see is that I am happy, I love my life, and I go to bed every day knowing my next day will be just as marvelous as the one that is coming to an end. 

Life is made of trade offs, my friend. Whatever you choose will bring you closer to some of your goals, but will take you farther away from others. Just remember life is about you, not about those people we have crossed paths with and who judge us. The people who matter, the people whose opinion should make us think and re-think our ideas or decisions are those who have always been there for us, and who have even compromised their views of the world in order to see why our life style is beautiful (adopted grandchildren would still be grandchildren, and marriage is not necessary for a succesful and fullfilling partnership are the 2 compromises that came from my family), why our life is wonderful, even if it is not something they would have ever imagined before.  

Choose wisely, and if you make the wrong choice, don't be afraid, step back, and try again. We only have one life, we should not only live our life, but also love it. 

Yo soy asi

I must have been about 10 years old, sometime in the mid 90s, when my sister asked our parents to take her/us to the Oki Doki concert in Bogota. Oki doki was a tv show, and a "band" in the 90s in Colombia, and it was aimed for kids. Our parents took us there (this was before I developed claustrophobia), and one of the songs the group sang stuck with me: " Yo soy asi", which translates "I am this way".
While passing away the time tonight I was on youtube and came across the song once again, and within second all those memories I claim to have forgotten from the time between 1st and 9th grade came back to me: school, the people, teachers, how mean my classmates were, and how I was told that letting people's comments affect me was a lack of character.
The song became one of my favourite songs, if not the most important one, as it gave me strength to go back to school every day, to face my classmates and not break under the jokes and comments, but most of all, not to break when they rejected me, when they told the new kids not to talk to me or make friends with me if they wanted to be accepted in school, and not to be ashamed of who I am and how I am.
I did stay strong, I did not drop my grades at school as my classmates told me to so they would accept me (I still wonder if they would have had accepted me and allow me to integrate, or if they would just have enjoyed seeing me without friends, and an average or below average student...) , and while there are many scars that have healed and some are still healing, I am happy to realize the time is behind me and I don't have to go back there.
It's been almost 20 years since I first heard the song, and while the life I live now no longer resembles my life in school, I must admit the song still applies to me, I am still a bit of an outsider, with interests often condemned when expressed by women and who enjoys her freedom. I am still not ready to follow the path the society has casted for us, and regularly get to deal with comments expressing disapproval  for my point of view or my decisions, just as 20 years ago I wasn't ready to tell lies about my vacation, drop my grades, or even worse, do bad in math so boys would score higher, the "right" way back then.
(For consistency, the other song I listened to from Oki Doki all the time was "Considerate de Aqui" , something like "Consider yourself one of us", which was my dream: beölonging somewhere)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFM0OwBhpd8

T-3

Three days to go until the meeting that might change my life drastically: In three days we will check together with experts on the matter, whether or not it is likely and possible for me to return to Boston this winter. I am no longer scared or nervous about the outcome, I feel totally comfortable both with my plan A and B, and can look at my future with the certainty that I am doing the right thing. I must however wonder, which path will I be taking in two months, and what my life will be like in 6 months from now: Will I be leaving in Boston, working in an industry I know and doing a job I know? Or will I be living in a country I might have never been to before, in a different industry or a totally different job? What about living in that far away country, but working as a volunteer to help children in need? All options are attractive, all options offer me personal and professional growth, and the opportunity for a new start in life, leaving behind at least some of those negative habits I have picked over the past years, maybe bringing me into a healthier lifestyle.
3 days to go until I know how much I will leave behind. Will it be leaving behind the country I have lived in for over 6 years, and returning to a place where I have a stable social network? Will it be leaving the paycheck and routine and finding out whether a different culture allows me to grow a new social network, starting from scratch? Will it be packing my life into boxes, grabbing my backpack and heading off to see more of the world?
It might seem a lot is on the game, and depending on the point of view it most likely is. The one thing that is on the game for sure is my future. What if I chose to go to Asia and meet someone there? Would I have the strength to stay there and settle down on the opposite side of the world from my family? Or would I frek out and find myself into a life crisis, trying to balance heart and head? What if I go to Boston and feel overwhelmed by work in the company I know, and want to leave but find myself not having the opportunity anymore?
None of these life questions will be addressed this week, and maybe they never will need to be addressed, all of these questions will only come up in one of the scenarios that life might bring for me, and there are 3 days left to go until at least an initial direction for my life is set.

Change of perspective

Ever since I can remember I have defined myself by my success at school and work: As a little kid, and after the bullying at school started, my grades mattered the most and were my defense wall against other kids. The behaviour stuck with me and in college and work I kept defining my success and meaning as a person through my grades and rating.
I never really thought of it as a problem, besides the emptiness I felt when things didn't go as planned until a few weeks ago, during my last trip to Asia. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe it was the time I spent thinking, maybe it was the fact that I was blessed with a travel group where most people where around my age and we could talk without inhibitions about ourselves, our motivitions and future plans, or the fact that some of them had quit their jobs and were looking for a fresh start. Regardless of what the source was, towards the end of the trip I found myself looking at who I am as a person, not as an employee, and not quite sure how to handle it.
I am a person who likes to meet people, who enjoys philosophical conversations and discussions, who likes to learn and is not ashamed of recognizing her own limitations. I admire the cultures that live their lives based on respect (Respect for God, Respect for Each other and Respect for the Nature), and feel happy when I am included into a group regardless of my background, my culture or the type of job I do.
I have found also I find it more meaningful to do a job that is not intended to increase profits of a company, but just to do something well done. Yes, profit is required, but in order to increase profit we should not go over the employees and put their health and well being at jeopardy.
Looking at all these findings, I have to start thinking about the next steps I am planning in life, or how to actually go on with them: Is it the right move to stay in the company? Would it be better to find a new job? Or should I look into moving to a country, at least for a fixed time, where the respect culture is the base of life, and see if I find myself in the right place there?
It is a scary moment in life, changing the perspective on yourself turns everything you have done and planned upside down. It is also a great opportunity to find a new direction in life, and the only questions open are which the new direction should be and whether or not I will have the courage to pursue them. 

good or bad characteristic?

Something happened during my childhood, and I am still unable to decide if it was good or bad. As a grown up I find myself belonging to the group of people who means what she says, and who does the best she can every day both at work an in my personal life.
Most people would say this is a positive quality to possess, as I am not a mediocre, and take full responsibility for what I do. I must however wonder, whether this quality is good to have in a world like today's, a world in which most people go around doing as little as possible and not really caring that much about what comes next or what is the objective of what they are expected to deliver.
Any average day at work consists for me of finding out which last minute crisis will not allow me to do the work I was planning to, and to develop contingency plans and/ or find solutions in the shortest time possible. Next I will try to get started to find out none of the pre-requisites for me to get my work started was completed, so that I get to spend the next few hours deciphering what was delivered to me, how it was structured and finally re-doing them. Finally, towards end of the day, when my brain no longer feels functional I get to start my real work, right on time to face the fact that I am obliged to leave the plant because of the German law not allowing me to work longer than 10 hours a day.
What went so terribly wrong that I actually get frustrated and sad at the fact that I cannot deliver my work to the expectations I set to myself, while others around me can feel satisfied when delivering half done jobs? Why do I think people will try their best, even after so many years of not seeing it? I know hope is the last thing that dies, and I assume that this is one of the reasons why I keep having faith. I would however think that it would be far easier for me to adopt the strategy I see around me and stop caring. Maybe then I would be able to feel more fulfilled with my work, and life. Maybe then I would be able to leave work every day without feeling I have under performed, under delivered, or that I have only done a lousy job. I would potentially even be able to get home and study Psychology as I have wanted for so long, instead of turning on my laptop in the evenings to work out my emails, so I don't feel I am falling that much behind my schedule at work, and keep communication to a decent level.
I am at the same time thankful to my parents because I know that without this characteristic, be it good or bad, I wouldn't be where I am. I would not have finished both degrees and gotten a job, and I would not have travelled to all the places I have been to. It is the same desire to get things well done which frustrates me on a daily basis than the one that enabled me to finish my studies and get a job, to plan my vacation and go to those places I wanted (and still want to go).

That first cut

Sometimes, when I look at my wrist and see the now almost gone scars I try to remember that first cut. Was it during school exchange, in Husum, when I got into a fight with T.? Or was it in school in Colombia, one day I was very upset in the Psychology office? Despite the fact that I have a good memory, those events are not clear in my head, when each of them happened, and which one was the start of the cutting.
I do remember, however, that it happened many times afterwards. It didn't matter if I was in Colombia, or the USA or Germany, it didn't matter if I was in my dorm, at my parents' place or with my host family. It also didn't matter if I was dating or not. The episodes came, and the one thing I always remember feeling was saddness, and an infinite desire that my tears were caused by myself and not by others.
Whether the first one was in Husum or in Bogota, I know it relieved me. For the first time I was the one causing the pain I was feeling, and not my friends or classmates. I was in control of the situation (at least so I thought!) and was making the decision of making those cuts. After cutting I would clean the wound and cover it so it wouldn't get infected (I also bought special band aids that healed faster and had only that one purpose).
As a grown up I wish I had the power to go back into my teenager brain and recall what it was that the first cut triggered. I believe it showed me I could be in control, and in days the bullies were making my life miserable I felt better crying because of the pain in my arm than because of their words. It also could have meant that I did not tell those around me what I thought of them at the very moment, and all the anger and frustration I had went into whatever cutting element had fallen into my hands. I do know however it was related to school, and school is where it happened with the highest frequency. I would lie if I said it never happened in college (my faculty advisor is a witness of the fact that it did happen) or that it never happened since I moved to Germany (I doubt anyone here could testify on this). Then, I would also lie if I said it still happens with the same frequency it happened back when I was a teenie.
Over the past 5 years I have spent a great deal of time and effort in facing my time in school, facing the fact that whether or not I like it I was bullied for years, and also recognizing to myself that I (still) have a distorted image of myself, both when I look at a mirror and I see an obese elephant starring back at me and when I think of myself as a person (for this second fact I have to rely on what others say of me, and how some do see me as a valuable person). It has helped clearly, as my arms now show-only one or two visible scars left- but I know it has not fully healed.
Frustrating days can be a challenge, when I get home and feel that trance-like state coming to me, that state I recall from earlier times during which I could observe myself making the cuts, and so can days when I am feeling lonely and find noone I can talk or chat to. For a big part of it I can now control it, tell the trance to stay away, or grab my computer and play something online for hours until the feeling goes away.
I don't want to give the blame for this on anyone: I am realistic enough to know that there must have been some genetic predisposition for something like this to develop in difficult times and also to acknowledge that, while I was growing up bullying did not exist as such. I do however hope that I will somewhen feel "healed", and will no longer have the feeling of trance approaching if I face difficult times at work or in my personal life. Most of all I hope that if I ever find someone who is experiencing what I have experiences I will have the courage to step in, and help this person find ways of coping that don't involve cutting, or burnong, or any similar.
We are all valuable as persons, we all have a lot to give to the world and to those around us, and we all need to learn to face the ups and downs in life, without feeling guilt and without feeling that we need to regain the control over situations that are not necessary ours to control.