I am one of those person who need a logistics planner. I am not sure how I make it, but more often than I can recall, I find myself in situations in which I need to travel twice over an ocean in under a week, and handle with the jetlag while moving on with life.
Vacation is one of the times when this happens. And then there is also work.
In the past 2 weeks I have been to 5 countries. Next week I will go home, to Colombia, for 10 days. And then, uon my return, it will be time to continue with travelling, and Warsaw and Neufra will be waiting for me. C'est la vie.
Now there is one more logistics planning requirement: R. & P.s wedding. It will be at the end of May. During the week I am planning to be in the US. Only problem: wedding is in the UK.
This means I will need to first go to Boston, vote, and then on the same day fly to the UK to the wedding, and then return to Boston for the rest of my vacation. Don't forget I onlz have one week vacation: lots of travelling and jetlag in a short period of time. Yes, this is my life like.
Many might wonder why I am inclined to put myself under so much stress. Well, truth is I feel honored by being invited to the wedding. And R. is a very special person for me. She has became a good friend for me, somebody I can trust, ask if she wants to do something over the weekend, or simply ask for advice. Me, asking for advice... Yes, she is such a person.
I will do my best, will try to arrange my logistics and be with her in the most important day of her life up to now. I want her to know how much I care.
Others (or the same) might wonder why I don't spend the rest of my vacation in the UK, and don't go back to Boston. Well, reason behind is another friend of mine. We might no be that close now, but in college she was my greatest support in the most dififcult times. It is her birthday, and even though she forgot mine two months ago, I want her to know I don't forget hers. I am planning on doing something special on her day with her boyfriend, doggy, and friends.
Friends are treasures, and each one of them deserves all sacrifices. At least this is how I see life.
C. says "OMG, was fuer ein Chaos! Und die ganze Welt ist wieder im Spiel".
Yes, it is like that. But friendship is stronger.
Although, I wuoldn't complain if I had a logistics planner! So much less to think about and organize!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Time to freak out
Time to freak out
As the day of my relocation approaches, as I see how everything here in Schwalbach approaches an end, and the future in Koeln and Euskirchen new begin, I feel how it is again time to freak out.
Yes, I want to move, I want to start my new assignment and I want to keep growing. However, I am afraid.
Many will ask why I am afraid, after all, I know the people I will be working with, I know people where I will be living, and I have no problems with transportation or language. Others, those who know how I have a tendency to behave, might know that I am afraid of becoming, once again, a complete hermit.
Some of the questions that come to my mind are: will I dare calling R, or anyone, if I want to go out, to the movies? Or will I do as I do here, either go alone or not go at all and wait until the movie is released for sale, and then watch it at home? Will I join the group of new hires once in a while? Or will I always find a good excuse not to, til they stop inviting me, as it happened here in schwalbach?
Will I stop drinking alone, after work, or will I continue it, as a way of escaping the loneliness and the fear of calling people and being told they have no time, or are not in the mood, for doing something?
I know I rather handle loneliness than rejection, and we all also know that I have a weakness in recognizing the reasons that are behind when I am told something is not possible, and I always take it personally. Sometimes it might be personal (aka Ana ), but sometimes not, and by not being capable of recognizing that difference I hurt myself, and lock myself into a world that none other than myself can access.
Only one question remains, what will life be like in Koeln?
June 2009
As the day of my relocation approaches, as I see how everything here in Schwalbach approaches an end, and the future in Koeln and Euskirchen new begin, I feel how it is again time to freak out.
Yes, I want to move, I want to start my new assignment and I want to keep growing. However, I am afraid.
Many will ask why I am afraid, after all, I know the people I will be working with, I know people where I will be living, and I have no problems with transportation or language. Others, those who know how I have a tendency to behave, might know that I am afraid of becoming, once again, a complete hermit.
Some of the questions that come to my mind are: will I dare calling R, or anyone, if I want to go out, to the movies? Or will I do as I do here, either go alone or not go at all and wait until the movie is released for sale, and then watch it at home? Will I join the group of new hires once in a while? Or will I always find a good excuse not to, til they stop inviting me, as it happened here in schwalbach?
Will I stop drinking alone, after work, or will I continue it, as a way of escaping the loneliness and the fear of calling people and being told they have no time, or are not in the mood, for doing something?
I know I rather handle loneliness than rejection, and we all also know that I have a weakness in recognizing the reasons that are behind when I am told something is not possible, and I always take it personally. Sometimes it might be personal (aka Ana ), but sometimes not, and by not being capable of recognizing that difference I hurt myself, and lock myself into a world that none other than myself can access.
Only one question remains, what will life be like in Koeln?
June 2009
Sonrisa
Sonrisa sombria
Hay dias que al verme en el espejo veo una mujer a la que no reconozco: una turbia sombra se ha posado sobre mi rostro, y mis ojos no expresan nada fuera de dolor, tristeza y desilusion.
Es cierto que soy solitaria, y que a veces la soledad me hace sentir desolada, pero esa tristeza que emana de mis poros es mas de lo que se manejar.
Los motivos son multiples, creo, pero insisto en que me desconcierta el ver como una situacion especifica en la oficina me afecta tanto, en todo sentido.
Estoy haciendo planes para faltar al trabajo. La ultima vez que recuerdo haber este tipo de planes era aun una ninha de colegio, seguramente estaba en octavo o noveno, antes del intercambio, y con una autoestima que no era realmente existente. Si miro a mi alrededor hoy en dia veo a una mujer adulta, independiente, ya que en la maoria de aspectos de la vida ha madurado. Autoestima es un concepto que existe, y que me ayuda dia a dia a crecer mas. Es por eso probablemente que la situacion me desconcierta tanto. Como es possible que llegado este punt de mi vida, sea aun incapaz de manejar este tipo de situaciones.
Me sorprende que esa sombria mirada la detecte yo misma, me veo dia a dia en el espejo, y de ser una situacion transitoria no me afectaria, o preocuparia: todos tenemos dias Buenos y dias malos. Sin embargo tengo la sensacion de que no es tan transitorio. To des relativo, es ierto, y una situacion transitoria puede ser larga o corta, dependiendo desde el punto de vista.
Puedo imaginarme que no le di importancia a esta situacion en un principio al considerar que no duraria mucho, al pensar que seria cuestion de semanas el volver a encontrar motivacion en el trabajo, dejar de sentir que mi jefe es un controlador maniatico que se dedica a evitar que me adapte a mi nueva vida, dejar de sentir que mi trabajo no tiene ningun sentido, que es una perdida de tiempo, ya que al fin y al cabo lo unico que hago es responder emails, y que la gente que los recibe los considere inutiles y le pidan ayuda a un tercero.
Esa temporada de no darle importancia ha llegado a su fin, ya van demasiadas semanas, y la situacion no mejora, si acaso emperora. He empezado a llorar por el trabajo sentada en la sala recuerdo algo del trabajo, y sin poder evitarlo me ataco a llorar. Dice el dicho que “lo que no te mat ate hace mas fuerte”, y yo me veo obligada a preguntarme si deseo seguir adelante, haciendme “mas fuerte”, o si prefeiro darme por vencida, renunciar, y tartar de buscar una vida diferente, volver a ser estudiante, o simplemente darme por vencida con mis suenhos, regresar a Colombia, hacerme las cirugias requeridas, y convertirme en una mujer estereotipo de Colombia. Eso requeriria dejar de pensar, lo que no se si seria capaz de lograr, pero aparte del dejar de pensar no deberia haber mucho retos mas, ok, el reto mayor despues de dejar de pensar constituiria encontrar un hombre que se interese en una mujer inestable, y que ha vivido una vida tan poco tradicional segun la cultura Colombian. De pronto lo lograria, y lograria una vida mas tranquila.
He descubierto que paso mucho tiempo sonhando despierta. Suenho con un futuro en el que me siento a gusto conmigo misma, con un futuro en el que no huyo de mi, de mi vida, de lo que me rodea, y de quienes estan a mi lado.
El regalo y milagro de la Amistad lo descubri en los ultimos anhos, y lo se valorar como nada en este mundo, Pero a la vez llego a querer y a apreciar tanto a esos amigos que lo ultimo que deseo es danharlos, o causarles dolor.
Por un lado me trato de convencer a mi misma que soy un ser insignificante, y que no hay nada que pueda hacer yo que tenga importancia para quienes me rodean, por el otro lado, hay dias que desvubr que hay personas para quienes soy una persona significativa, probablemente no valiosa, pero si alguien a quien han llegado a apreciar, y eso me da fierzas para seguir adelante, pero me turba el pensar que podria hacerles danho.
Es cierto, nadie debe darle a otros el poder de hacer danho. Yo soy reconocida por haber fracas ado en ese area, ya que a mi cualquiera me puede hacer danho, no se necesita ser muy avispado para descubrir lo sensible y delcada que es mi alma. Y al verme a mi misma me da miedo pensar que alguno de quienes quiero, y que en uno u otro momento me ha hecho sentir que me aprecian sea en algun sentido sensible como yo. Mi vida no es muy significativa, y la de quienes quiero lo es y mucho, no quiero causarles danho alguno, ellos no se lo merecen.
Maria Alexandra Mainzhausen
Agosto 9, 2009
Hay dias que al verme en el espejo veo una mujer a la que no reconozco: una turbia sombra se ha posado sobre mi rostro, y mis ojos no expresan nada fuera de dolor, tristeza y desilusion.
Es cierto que soy solitaria, y que a veces la soledad me hace sentir desolada, pero esa tristeza que emana de mis poros es mas de lo que se manejar.
Los motivos son multiples, creo, pero insisto en que me desconcierta el ver como una situacion especifica en la oficina me afecta tanto, en todo sentido.
Estoy haciendo planes para faltar al trabajo. La ultima vez que recuerdo haber este tipo de planes era aun una ninha de colegio, seguramente estaba en octavo o noveno, antes del intercambio, y con una autoestima que no era realmente existente. Si miro a mi alrededor hoy en dia veo a una mujer adulta, independiente, ya que en la maoria de aspectos de la vida ha madurado. Autoestima es un concepto que existe, y que me ayuda dia a dia a crecer mas. Es por eso probablemente que la situacion me desconcierta tanto. Como es possible que llegado este punt de mi vida, sea aun incapaz de manejar este tipo de situaciones.
Me sorprende que esa sombria mirada la detecte yo misma, me veo dia a dia en el espejo, y de ser una situacion transitoria no me afectaria, o preocuparia: todos tenemos dias Buenos y dias malos. Sin embargo tengo la sensacion de que no es tan transitorio. To des relativo, es ierto, y una situacion transitoria puede ser larga o corta, dependiendo desde el punto de vista.
Puedo imaginarme que no le di importancia a esta situacion en un principio al considerar que no duraria mucho, al pensar que seria cuestion de semanas el volver a encontrar motivacion en el trabajo, dejar de sentir que mi jefe es un controlador maniatico que se dedica a evitar que me adapte a mi nueva vida, dejar de sentir que mi trabajo no tiene ningun sentido, que es una perdida de tiempo, ya que al fin y al cabo lo unico que hago es responder emails, y que la gente que los recibe los considere inutiles y le pidan ayuda a un tercero.
Esa temporada de no darle importancia ha llegado a su fin, ya van demasiadas semanas, y la situacion no mejora, si acaso emperora. He empezado a llorar por el trabajo sentada en la sala recuerdo algo del trabajo, y sin poder evitarlo me ataco a llorar. Dice el dicho que “lo que no te mat ate hace mas fuerte”, y yo me veo obligada a preguntarme si deseo seguir adelante, haciendme “mas fuerte”, o si prefeiro darme por vencida, renunciar, y tartar de buscar una vida diferente, volver a ser estudiante, o simplemente darme por vencida con mis suenhos, regresar a Colombia, hacerme las cirugias requeridas, y convertirme en una mujer estereotipo de Colombia. Eso requeriria dejar de pensar, lo que no se si seria capaz de lograr, pero aparte del dejar de pensar no deberia haber mucho retos mas, ok, el reto mayor despues de dejar de pensar constituiria encontrar un hombre que se interese en una mujer inestable, y que ha vivido una vida tan poco tradicional segun la cultura Colombian. De pronto lo lograria, y lograria una vida mas tranquila.
He descubierto que paso mucho tiempo sonhando despierta. Suenho con un futuro en el que me siento a gusto conmigo misma, con un futuro en el que no huyo de mi, de mi vida, de lo que me rodea, y de quienes estan a mi lado.
El regalo y milagro de la Amistad lo descubri en los ultimos anhos, y lo se valorar como nada en este mundo, Pero a la vez llego a querer y a apreciar tanto a esos amigos que lo ultimo que deseo es danharlos, o causarles dolor.
Por un lado me trato de convencer a mi misma que soy un ser insignificante, y que no hay nada que pueda hacer yo que tenga importancia para quienes me rodean, por el otro lado, hay dias que desvubr que hay personas para quienes soy una persona significativa, probablemente no valiosa, pero si alguien a quien han llegado a apreciar, y eso me da fierzas para seguir adelante, pero me turba el pensar que podria hacerles danho.
Es cierto, nadie debe darle a otros el poder de hacer danho. Yo soy reconocida por haber fracas ado en ese area, ya que a mi cualquiera me puede hacer danho, no se necesita ser muy avispado para descubrir lo sensible y delcada que es mi alma. Y al verme a mi misma me da miedo pensar que alguno de quienes quiero, y que en uno u otro momento me ha hecho sentir que me aprecian sea en algun sentido sensible como yo. Mi vida no es muy significativa, y la de quienes quiero lo es y mucho, no quiero causarles danho alguno, ellos no se lo merecen.
Maria Alexandra Mainzhausen
Agosto 9, 2009
Migrana
Que es una migrana? Para mi, es parte de mi vida, algo que es triste. Migranas van y vienen, con mucha frecuencia. Por regal general, los sabados, dias en que no tomo café al levantarme, me dan, al igual que si lloro, o estoy estresada.
El motivo no lo conozco, y desde que estoy en tratamiento, casi un ano, las migranas Fuertes han disminuido, y no he faltado al trabajo por ellas de Nuevo, ni ido al medico. Me mantengo a base de iburoprofen de 800mg, y las pastillas las cargo en mi cartera, en la maleta del trabajo, y en el escritorio de la oficina. Es curioso, a pesar de todo, me he acostumbrado a las migranas, y aun cuando las tengo, siempre y cuando sean de 1-5 en una escala de 10, sigo con mis cosas, trabajo, television, musica y lo que sea.
Hay dias en que son 6-10. No tengo muchos recuerdos de esos dias. Me levanto, tomo pastillas, a veces mi cuerpo las rechaza, vuelvo a la cama, y trato de olvidar que existo.
No hay nada que pueda hacer para combatirlas una vez me han dado, simplemente tartar de sobrellevarlas, sin acabar en el hospital. Ya dos veces acabe en ER en Boston por culpa de migranas… Y son el unico motivo de salud por el cual he llegado tarde, o faltado al trabajo.
Pero de donde vienen? No lo se, mis conocimientos de genetica no son tan Fuertes, y la verdad me hace falta el interes para averiguarlo. Me basta saber que existen, que me persiguen, y que, en mi caso, son cronicas, y me acompanaran hasta el dia que deje de existir.
Migranas…
Marzo 2009
El motivo no lo conozco, y desde que estoy en tratamiento, casi un ano, las migranas Fuertes han disminuido, y no he faltado al trabajo por ellas de Nuevo, ni ido al medico. Me mantengo a base de iburoprofen de 800mg, y las pastillas las cargo en mi cartera, en la maleta del trabajo, y en el escritorio de la oficina. Es curioso, a pesar de todo, me he acostumbrado a las migranas, y aun cuando las tengo, siempre y cuando sean de 1-5 en una escala de 10, sigo con mis cosas, trabajo, television, musica y lo que sea.
Hay dias en que son 6-10. No tengo muchos recuerdos de esos dias. Me levanto, tomo pastillas, a veces mi cuerpo las rechaza, vuelvo a la cama, y trato de olvidar que existo.
No hay nada que pueda hacer para combatirlas una vez me han dado, simplemente tartar de sobrellevarlas, sin acabar en el hospital. Ya dos veces acabe en ER en Boston por culpa de migranas… Y son el unico motivo de salud por el cual he llegado tarde, o faltado al trabajo.
Pero de donde vienen? No lo se, mis conocimientos de genetica no son tan Fuertes, y la verdad me hace falta el interes para averiguarlo. Me basta saber que existen, que me persiguen, y que, en mi caso, son cronicas, y me acompanaran hasta el dia que deje de existir.
Migranas…
Marzo 2009
Friday, March 5, 2010
Work
I have been working now for two an d a half years, and, most of the time, I have liked it.I really love the company I work for, love it so much that I am willing to tolerate and simply live with all the problems I once in a while see in it. Also, I joined the company in a very strong and organized department, whose structure I understood and felt comfortable with.
However, there is nothing good that lasts forever, and things started to change last summer.
You might wonder what I am referring to, as I have clearly stated I love the company... I do love it, but the department I am in has imploded, its structure, management, and even the handling of the employees and their projects has changed.
Until January I had not realized how important the variable "organization you work in" was for me, but after my vacation I came to understand that, regardless of the work I do, I also need to feel comfortable where I am.
So here I am, wondering what I should do next. I have an interesting offer in Cincinnati, in a city that I do not like at all, but in a country that I love, and where I want to return.
I could quit my job, and return to Colombia for six months or so. In Colombia I could either work in dad's company, or find a job as a tutor for math, or take some courses in a college and maybe homologate my degrees in Colombia so in the future, if I choose to, I can work in Colombia. There are countless opportunities.
I could also continue working til the end of the year, and saving money like mad, and then take off for a year or so to India, Indonesia, Australia, or simply wherever the wind takes me to.
Going back to college and getting a Masters, and maybe even a PhD would also be an option. Why not? If I decided to go back, I would probably finish both around my 30th birthday, which is a pretty decent time, and age, to be done with two bachelors, a masters and a PhD.
Going back to the offer in Cinci, I could take it and move back into the US in the near future. I would sacrifice my vacation (in the US I would get 2 weeks a year, here I have 6!), and all that I have achieved here in the past two and a half years. Would it be worth it? It took me a long while to get used to my life here, but now I do enjoy it, except for work half of the time. I have some good friends, a beautiful apartment and the best car in the world.
Lastly, I could no nothing, and stay where I am. Summer is approaching, and my mood will be better soon. It is only 2 weeks left until there is more day than night, and with it one of the biggest variables and depression triggers in me will no longer be present until September.
The current situation is my first big problem since I started leading my own life, and I am afraid that if I don't confront it and try to solve it on my own terms, I will never learn to handle these situations. Risky situation as I don't want to picture myself always running away and starting from zero just to avoid facing and solving my problems. But is it worth to keep figthing, and eventually failing?
Escape is the easiest way out. It is not necessary safe. And it won't help me solve my future problems. And now I need to decide between safety or easiness, or simply facing things as they are, solving them, and hopefully feeling the pride of reaching my goals on my own terms.
However, there is nothing good that lasts forever, and things started to change last summer.
You might wonder what I am referring to, as I have clearly stated I love the company... I do love it, but the department I am in has imploded, its structure, management, and even the handling of the employees and their projects has changed.
Until January I had not realized how important the variable "organization you work in" was for me, but after my vacation I came to understand that, regardless of the work I do, I also need to feel comfortable where I am.
So here I am, wondering what I should do next. I have an interesting offer in Cincinnati, in a city that I do not like at all, but in a country that I love, and where I want to return.
I could quit my job, and return to Colombia for six months or so. In Colombia I could either work in dad's company, or find a job as a tutor for math, or take some courses in a college and maybe homologate my degrees in Colombia so in the future, if I choose to, I can work in Colombia. There are countless opportunities.
I could also continue working til the end of the year, and saving money like mad, and then take off for a year or so to India, Indonesia, Australia, or simply wherever the wind takes me to.
Going back to college and getting a Masters, and maybe even a PhD would also be an option. Why not? If I decided to go back, I would probably finish both around my 30th birthday, which is a pretty decent time, and age, to be done with two bachelors, a masters and a PhD.
Going back to the offer in Cinci, I could take it and move back into the US in the near future. I would sacrifice my vacation (in the US I would get 2 weeks a year, here I have 6!), and all that I have achieved here in the past two and a half years. Would it be worth it? It took me a long while to get used to my life here, but now I do enjoy it, except for work half of the time. I have some good friends, a beautiful apartment and the best car in the world.
Lastly, I could no nothing, and stay where I am. Summer is approaching, and my mood will be better soon. It is only 2 weeks left until there is more day than night, and with it one of the biggest variables and depression triggers in me will no longer be present until September.
The current situation is my first big problem since I started leading my own life, and I am afraid that if I don't confront it and try to solve it on my own terms, I will never learn to handle these situations. Risky situation as I don't want to picture myself always running away and starting from zero just to avoid facing and solving my problems. But is it worth to keep figthing, and eventually failing?
Escape is the easiest way out. It is not necessary safe. And it won't help me solve my future problems. And now I need to decide between safety or easiness, or simply facing things as they are, solving them, and hopefully feeling the pride of reaching my goals on my own terms.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
What If
What if...
Probably the most common thought I go through on a daily basis. What if?
Every day in life there is a need to take decisions. These may require little or no thought, or, on the other side, they might require a detailed analysis of what the consequences could be.
What if I skip lunch, is an easy one. What if I go back to school, is a pretty difficult one.
The reason behind this writting is an apparently easy decision, which turned out to be more meaningful than I ever suspected.
This girl, I am going to call her HappyGirl, showed in a short period of time a ardical change of attitude. I met her about six months ago, and she was a quiet person, a girl people liked, and who was always a nice company in the smoker's corner. About two months ago, after christmas break, she started acting differently: she was always loud, started sending inappropriate emails, and gained herself a difficult reputation among those of us who knew her.
HappyGirl invited me for dinner some 4 weeks ago, and during our dinner she told me she was on some anti-depressive medication. Instantly I suspected the doctor had not been following her as regularly as he should, and knew nothing of the change in attitude she was showing. I decided not to say anything, following my golden rule: "If it is not your life, it is not your problem".
Was I mistaken?
HappyGirl lost contact with reality 2 weeks ago. She returned to her home country (Rumors say she was forced back by her family), and taken into a hospital.
What if I had said something? Could I have impacted her in a good way? Could my action had stopped her, or at least made her aware of what was going on with her in other people's eyes, which she didn't notice? Would she still be in Germany?
What if? Two words and a question mark. Two words that have been hunting me since she left. It seemed obvious it wasn't my problem: She has family and we were not even close friends. However, it looks like I was one of the few people who saw a reason behind her changes. Did seeing this reason give me responsibility on her? What if I had said something? Her life after she recovers won't be the same. She will no longer work where she used to in Germany, she will have to find herself again, and probably in a new environment, with new challenges.
What if?
Probably the most common thought I go through on a daily basis. What if?
Every day in life there is a need to take decisions. These may require little or no thought, or, on the other side, they might require a detailed analysis of what the consequences could be.
What if I skip lunch, is an easy one. What if I go back to school, is a pretty difficult one.
The reason behind this writting is an apparently easy decision, which turned out to be more meaningful than I ever suspected.
This girl, I am going to call her HappyGirl, showed in a short period of time a ardical change of attitude. I met her about six months ago, and she was a quiet person, a girl people liked, and who was always a nice company in the smoker's corner. About two months ago, after christmas break, she started acting differently: she was always loud, started sending inappropriate emails, and gained herself a difficult reputation among those of us who knew her.
HappyGirl invited me for dinner some 4 weeks ago, and during our dinner she told me she was on some anti-depressive medication. Instantly I suspected the doctor had not been following her as regularly as he should, and knew nothing of the change in attitude she was showing. I decided not to say anything, following my golden rule: "If it is not your life, it is not your problem".
Was I mistaken?
HappyGirl lost contact with reality 2 weeks ago. She returned to her home country (Rumors say she was forced back by her family), and taken into a hospital.
What if I had said something? Could I have impacted her in a good way? Could my action had stopped her, or at least made her aware of what was going on with her in other people's eyes, which she didn't notice? Would she still be in Germany?
What if? Two words and a question mark. Two words that have been hunting me since she left. It seemed obvious it wasn't my problem: She has family and we were not even close friends. However, it looks like I was one of the few people who saw a reason behind her changes. Did seeing this reason give me responsibility on her? What if I had said something? Her life after she recovers won't be the same. She will no longer work where she used to in Germany, she will have to find herself again, and probably in a new environment, with new challenges.
What if?
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