Yo soy asi

I must have been about 10 years old, sometime in the mid 90s, when my sister asked our parents to take her/us to the Oki Doki concert in Bogota. Oki doki was a tv show, and a "band" in the 90s in Colombia, and it was aimed for kids. Our parents took us there (this was before I developed claustrophobia), and one of the songs the group sang stuck with me: " Yo soy asi", which translates "I am this way".
While passing away the time tonight I was on youtube and came across the song once again, and within second all those memories I claim to have forgotten from the time between 1st and 9th grade came back to me: school, the people, teachers, how mean my classmates were, and how I was told that letting people's comments affect me was a lack of character.
The song became one of my favourite songs, if not the most important one, as it gave me strength to go back to school every day, to face my classmates and not break under the jokes and comments, but most of all, not to break when they rejected me, when they told the new kids not to talk to me or make friends with me if they wanted to be accepted in school, and not to be ashamed of who I am and how I am.
I did stay strong, I did not drop my grades at school as my classmates told me to so they would accept me (I still wonder if they would have had accepted me and allow me to integrate, or if they would just have enjoyed seeing me without friends, and an average or below average student...) , and while there are many scars that have healed and some are still healing, I am happy to realize the time is behind me and I don't have to go back there.
It's been almost 20 years since I first heard the song, and while the life I live now no longer resembles my life in school, I must admit the song still applies to me, I am still a bit of an outsider, with interests often condemned when expressed by women and who enjoys her freedom. I am still not ready to follow the path the society has casted for us, and regularly get to deal with comments expressing disapproval  for my point of view or my decisions, just as 20 years ago I wasn't ready to tell lies about my vacation, drop my grades, or even worse, do bad in math so boys would score higher, the "right" way back then.
(For consistency, the other song I listened to from Oki Doki all the time was "Considerate de Aqui" , something like "Consider yourself one of us", which was my dream: beölonging somewhere)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFM0OwBhpd8

T-3

Three days to go until the meeting that might change my life drastically: In three days we will check together with experts on the matter, whether or not it is likely and possible for me to return to Boston this winter. I am no longer scared or nervous about the outcome, I feel totally comfortable both with my plan A and B, and can look at my future with the certainty that I am doing the right thing. I must however wonder, which path will I be taking in two months, and what my life will be like in 6 months from now: Will I be leaving in Boston, working in an industry I know and doing a job I know? Or will I be living in a country I might have never been to before, in a different industry or a totally different job? What about living in that far away country, but working as a volunteer to help children in need? All options are attractive, all options offer me personal and professional growth, and the opportunity for a new start in life, leaving behind at least some of those negative habits I have picked over the past years, maybe bringing me into a healthier lifestyle.
3 days to go until I know how much I will leave behind. Will it be leaving behind the country I have lived in for over 6 years, and returning to a place where I have a stable social network? Will it be leaving the paycheck and routine and finding out whether a different culture allows me to grow a new social network, starting from scratch? Will it be packing my life into boxes, grabbing my backpack and heading off to see more of the world?
It might seem a lot is on the game, and depending on the point of view it most likely is. The one thing that is on the game for sure is my future. What if I chose to go to Asia and meet someone there? Would I have the strength to stay there and settle down on the opposite side of the world from my family? Or would I frek out and find myself into a life crisis, trying to balance heart and head? What if I go to Boston and feel overwhelmed by work in the company I know, and want to leave but find myself not having the opportunity anymore?
None of these life questions will be addressed this week, and maybe they never will need to be addressed, all of these questions will only come up in one of the scenarios that life might bring for me, and there are 3 days left to go until at least an initial direction for my life is set.

Change of perspective

Ever since I can remember I have defined myself by my success at school and work: As a little kid, and after the bullying at school started, my grades mattered the most and were my defense wall against other kids. The behaviour stuck with me and in college and work I kept defining my success and meaning as a person through my grades and rating.
I never really thought of it as a problem, besides the emptiness I felt when things didn't go as planned until a few weeks ago, during my last trip to Asia. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe it was the time I spent thinking, maybe it was the fact that I was blessed with a travel group where most people where around my age and we could talk without inhibitions about ourselves, our motivitions and future plans, or the fact that some of them had quit their jobs and were looking for a fresh start. Regardless of what the source was, towards the end of the trip I found myself looking at who I am as a person, not as an employee, and not quite sure how to handle it.
I am a person who likes to meet people, who enjoys philosophical conversations and discussions, who likes to learn and is not ashamed of recognizing her own limitations. I admire the cultures that live their lives based on respect (Respect for God, Respect for Each other and Respect for the Nature), and feel happy when I am included into a group regardless of my background, my culture or the type of job I do.
I have found also I find it more meaningful to do a job that is not intended to increase profits of a company, but just to do something well done. Yes, profit is required, but in order to increase profit we should not go over the employees and put their health and well being at jeopardy.
Looking at all these findings, I have to start thinking about the next steps I am planning in life, or how to actually go on with them: Is it the right move to stay in the company? Would it be better to find a new job? Or should I look into moving to a country, at least for a fixed time, where the respect culture is the base of life, and see if I find myself in the right place there?
It is a scary moment in life, changing the perspective on yourself turns everything you have done and planned upside down. It is also a great opportunity to find a new direction in life, and the only questions open are which the new direction should be and whether or not I will have the courage to pursue them. 

good or bad characteristic?

Something happened during my childhood, and I am still unable to decide if it was good or bad. As a grown up I find myself belonging to the group of people who means what she says, and who does the best she can every day both at work an in my personal life.
Most people would say this is a positive quality to possess, as I am not a mediocre, and take full responsibility for what I do. I must however wonder, whether this quality is good to have in a world like today's, a world in which most people go around doing as little as possible and not really caring that much about what comes next or what is the objective of what they are expected to deliver.
Any average day at work consists for me of finding out which last minute crisis will not allow me to do the work I was planning to, and to develop contingency plans and/ or find solutions in the shortest time possible. Next I will try to get started to find out none of the pre-requisites for me to get my work started was completed, so that I get to spend the next few hours deciphering what was delivered to me, how it was structured and finally re-doing them. Finally, towards end of the day, when my brain no longer feels functional I get to start my real work, right on time to face the fact that I am obliged to leave the plant because of the German law not allowing me to work longer than 10 hours a day.
What went so terribly wrong that I actually get frustrated and sad at the fact that I cannot deliver my work to the expectations I set to myself, while others around me can feel satisfied when delivering half done jobs? Why do I think people will try their best, even after so many years of not seeing it? I know hope is the last thing that dies, and I assume that this is one of the reasons why I keep having faith. I would however think that it would be far easier for me to adopt the strategy I see around me and stop caring. Maybe then I would be able to feel more fulfilled with my work, and life. Maybe then I would be able to leave work every day without feeling I have under performed, under delivered, or that I have only done a lousy job. I would potentially even be able to get home and study Psychology as I have wanted for so long, instead of turning on my laptop in the evenings to work out my emails, so I don't feel I am falling that much behind my schedule at work, and keep communication to a decent level.
I am at the same time thankful to my parents because I know that without this characteristic, be it good or bad, I wouldn't be where I am. I would not have finished both degrees and gotten a job, and I would not have travelled to all the places I have been to. It is the same desire to get things well done which frustrates me on a daily basis than the one that enabled me to finish my studies and get a job, to plan my vacation and go to those places I wanted (and still want to go).

That first cut

Sometimes, when I look at my wrist and see the now almost gone scars I try to remember that first cut. Was it during school exchange, in Husum, when I got into a fight with T.? Or was it in school in Colombia, one day I was very upset in the Psychology office? Despite the fact that I have a good memory, those events are not clear in my head, when each of them happened, and which one was the start of the cutting.
I do remember, however, that it happened many times afterwards. It didn't matter if I was in Colombia, or the USA or Germany, it didn't matter if I was in my dorm, at my parents' place or with my host family. It also didn't matter if I was dating or not. The episodes came, and the one thing I always remember feeling was saddness, and an infinite desire that my tears were caused by myself and not by others.
Whether the first one was in Husum or in Bogota, I know it relieved me. For the first time I was the one causing the pain I was feeling, and not my friends or classmates. I was in control of the situation (at least so I thought!) and was making the decision of making those cuts. After cutting I would clean the wound and cover it so it wouldn't get infected (I also bought special band aids that healed faster and had only that one purpose).
As a grown up I wish I had the power to go back into my teenager brain and recall what it was that the first cut triggered. I believe it showed me I could be in control, and in days the bullies were making my life miserable I felt better crying because of the pain in my arm than because of their words. It also could have meant that I did not tell those around me what I thought of them at the very moment, and all the anger and frustration I had went into whatever cutting element had fallen into my hands. I do know however it was related to school, and school is where it happened with the highest frequency. I would lie if I said it never happened in college (my faculty advisor is a witness of the fact that it did happen) or that it never happened since I moved to Germany (I doubt anyone here could testify on this). Then, I would also lie if I said it still happens with the same frequency it happened back when I was a teenie.
Over the past 5 years I have spent a great deal of time and effort in facing my time in school, facing the fact that whether or not I like it I was bullied for years, and also recognizing to myself that I (still) have a distorted image of myself, both when I look at a mirror and I see an obese elephant starring back at me and when I think of myself as a person (for this second fact I have to rely on what others say of me, and how some do see me as a valuable person). It has helped clearly, as my arms now show-only one or two visible scars left- but I know it has not fully healed.
Frustrating days can be a challenge, when I get home and feel that trance-like state coming to me, that state I recall from earlier times during which I could observe myself making the cuts, and so can days when I am feeling lonely and find noone I can talk or chat to. For a big part of it I can now control it, tell the trance to stay away, or grab my computer and play something online for hours until the feeling goes away.
I don't want to give the blame for this on anyone: I am realistic enough to know that there must have been some genetic predisposition for something like this to develop in difficult times and also to acknowledge that, while I was growing up bullying did not exist as such. I do however hope that I will somewhen feel "healed", and will no longer have the feeling of trance approaching if I face difficult times at work or in my personal life. Most of all I hope that if I ever find someone who is experiencing what I have experiences I will have the courage to step in, and help this person find ways of coping that don't involve cutting, or burnong, or any similar.
We are all valuable as persons, we all have a lot to give to the world and to those around us, and we all need to learn to face the ups and downs in life, without feeling guilt and without feeling that we need to regain the control over situations that are not necessary ours to control.

Routines-girl

Over the past years I have became a person who day after day establishes routines for the time outside work, and sometimes for the time at work. It enables me to get out of bed and without needing to think or analyze any situation around me, get ready for work without missing anything. Lately I have also established routines for the weekends, I am not sure what the purpose is, but whenever I have a place to go to, a flight to catch, or just errands that need to be taken care of in the morning, I can get to start things on time. 

Once in a while, however, I sit in front of the tv or in my car and wonder whether or not it is healthy to have a life filled of routines, a life where any changes can disrupt my feeling of well being after the fact and cause guilty feelings when I have gone away from my set routine (let's be real, I love doing new stuff!).

Today I need to drive 200km to go celebrate Father's day with dad, something I am honestly looking forward to. I also heard my sister will be coming to this country in one week, and probably I will get to hang out with her once or twice this summer, assuming she does not travel around. Those two events or visits are clear "disruptions" to my routine, and while I will love seeing them and spending quality time with each of them, I find myself creating my contingency plan for how to face tomorrow, as I am already aware I will not be able to follow my routine tomorrow: I am staying overnight 200km away from my apartment, I will need to travel that distance in the early morning to get to work, and I will do my best to get to work at my usual time, and avoid any unnecessary changes to my regular routines or schedules at work.

Is this the normal way to live, or do my routines limit my freedom? What would happen if I get to work at 9am instead of at 8? I don't think anybody around me would mind it, or even notice it. I would not miss a meeting nor would I miss preparing a deliverable due tomorrow. Why then do I struggle to allow myself to "break" my routine, to be spontaneous?

I feel comfortable with the life I am living, not necessary happy, but I am used to it and at least for the time I have left where I currently am, I'll most likely keep following my routines. I hope however I will allow myself in my future to be spontaneous at least for a while and remember what spontaneity feels like. Maybe I'll decide to change then, or maybe I'll fall back into creating routines, but at least I'll offer myself the opportunity to bring a change into my life, and how I handle changes and sudden opportunities in life. 

kid

Over five years ago I lived through a few scary days: I thought I was pregnant, frsh out of college, not yet working, and having left the US , meaning, all by myself. While life showed me its wisdonm by not allowing me to become a single mother way before I could have been ready for it (let's face reality, I am not ready for it now, and it's been years!), it also taught me to consider the unthought of on every step in life.
I am not sure what my life would have been like if there had been a baby. I know I would have kept it, I know I would have gone to Germany (and would not have told my parents about the baby!),I would not have told the father, to allow him to follow his dreams and life, but I have to ask myself how the company would have reacted to a pregnant new hire.
What would my life be like now at 28 if I had a 5 year old kid? I would for sure not have travelled what I have, and I would not smoke the way I do (probably not at all). I guess I would only work the mandatory time, to be able to pick up my kid from daycare, and I'm sure I would not travel to Boston as frequently as I do. Maybe I would have gotten used to Germany, after all, according to everyone I know this is suppossed to be a great place to raise kids, and I can imagine the kid would have become my one and all in life.
A few days ago I remembered the fear I had when I though I was expecting, and I have been thinking since then whether or not it would have been good or bad for me. I still cannot come up with an answer. It would be very different for sure, and I hope if that had been the case I would have had the character to face my life and raise my kid the best possible way. Maybe I would at somme point have gained the confidence to go to the father and tell him, maybe not. I cannot tell for sure, as I always knew (he'd told me at some point), he "would never forgive a girl if she kept from him the fact he was a father", and that is exactly what I would have made.
All are questions and there will never be answers to them. It's just strange to think how different things could have been if a simple test had given "+" instead od "-", what a change that "+" would have brought to my life, to the way I interact with people, and most likely even to the way I think of politics.