Crossed Pathways

Often I ask myself what a graphic representation of my life and that of the people I have met in life would look like. The older I grow, the more I realize that the likelihood the path I've followed in life crosses multiple times with someone else's is high, and such a representation would look like an unorganized mesh.
As a little kid (4 years old) I had three good friends: LM, NT and NR. LM moved to Europe when we were in First grade, and over the years to Venezuela and Brazil. We met a few times while she was in Brazil, and after I moved to Europe we met twice in Switzerland. NR and NT finished school in Bogota with me, each of us chose her way, but last year NR moved to the same city I live in, after getting married to a German who got a job in this city.
At work we always say you meet at least twice during your career, and now that I have been almost 6 years in the company I see what it means: People I worked with during my first years in the company have  rotated jobs like I have and suddenly we meet again in different projects and roles, and in a few cases, also in different locations.
While I find it logic that even if there have been years since the last interaction, there is a common ground to start from in the new meetings, I have also realized that meeting new people who have had similar experiences also creates this common background to start from, and can even be a first step for friendship.
I have it easier to connect with travelers, with people who have a technical background, with people who went to the same uni I did, or with people who lived in the same cities I have lived.
At the same time, I struggling connecting with Colombians and with people who believe either in male superiority or in European superiority, even though those are situations I have been exposed to since my early childhood.
I consider myself lucky for the friends I have made over the years, regardless of what the reasons for our friendships are. It doesn't remove the weirdness of not feeling able to connect to my culture, the one I was raised in.

February 8th, 2013 Dundee

Maybe

Maybe it is time to start thinking again, or to stop doing so. Society has the tendency to dictate what is okay to do when and most of us follow its directions, sometimes willingly, sometimes without realizing we are doing so.
It's been a while since I last sat down to write, it's been a difficult time during which I did not even manage to motivate myself to follow my life, and writing was not really an option.
Looking back I can't point at a single event that triggered this phase: Maybe it was work, maybe it was the realization that I am now more lonely than I have ever been and lack the courage to approach new people. Maybe it was my 28th birthday reminding me of all those goals and dreams I had and I didn't achieve, or maybe it was something else.
Whatever the trigger was, reality is that my entire world collapsed: work, family, study, health and friends, and with that I lost control over my life and over myself.
How come I decided to skip carnival this year? Why did I decide to go skiing all by myself? Why did I  book a trip last minute for New Years? Maybe I am trying to escape from myself, or maybe I am trying to find myself.
If I look right and left I get scared at how fast things are changing, how my feeling of inadequacy increases by the minute, while I fail to point at the reason or reasons for it. Maybe it is the happiness of those who surround me, always reminding me of my struggle to accept my life as it is. It could also be the challenges at work, throwing me frequently into a complete state of hopelessness, or that spiral that caught me months ago and won't let me out: it just moves faster and faster and pulls me further into it.
Maybe I should try to start over again sooner than planned, or I should shield myself to my surroundings, so that noone and nothing can reach me. Maybe I should take one day at a time, and wait for the changes to come by themselves.

Late January 2013

Fahrerflucht

Germany is the land of rules: There is a rule for everything, and while I refuse to read the entire book of regulations, I often feel there must also be a rule for when you are allowed to just be alive.
Yesterday I broke a rule that I didn't know was one: on my way home from work there had been an accident to my right, so I went left to avoid going over the closed area of the accident. A car came on the opposite lane to mine on my left, so I drove carefully, paying attention to my left to avoid an accident. This caused me to oversee some traffic cones on my right, which I hit. When I felt the impact I looked on the rear miror and saw 2 cones flying. In my head and world, hitting a (or in this case 2) traffic cone is not a car accident, so I kept driving.
Once at home the door rang: it was the police coming to inform me that I had had an accident and left without being authorized to do so by the police, and an official report had been filed by the authorities. They had taken a look at my car and seen there were 2 marks of the cones, and I was free to give them my version, if I wished so. The consequences can be to lose my license, and or a fine, there will be an official process opened, and a judge will decide what my punishment should be.
I must wonder how things work here. I can't understand how hitting a traffic cone and not calling the police is against the law, and I must also sadly realize that it doesn't matter how long I have been in this country, and how hard I try to always be within the law (when I fly to Europe I don't even bring more cigarettes than what I am allowed to), I will never understand the rules, the country or the people.
After the police departed yesterday, once they had written down my version and checked my driving license, passport and property card of my car, I could only reassure myself that my decision to leave this country and return to my beloved Boston is the right one. It's been 6 months since I requested the move, school applications are in and in 2-3 months I should hear back from the schools. This won't last forever, and yet I'm afraid of going on the street, driving, and just existing in a country in which I clearly don't belong. A country where I feel overwhelmed every time I want to get something done. My time here is coming to an end, and I can only wait until the end comes.

A flight to Hell

It is funny how vacation feels, and how it comes and goes.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I went on vacation, and while it has not been a full time vacation, it has been relaxing, the days I have worked have felt like a regular day, with much lower stress levels than when I am in Germany. However, the most important part is that it has been 3 weeks during which I have been myself full time: I have been happy, have felt I belong to this planet, and that there is a life besides work. Not even the biggest challenges at work over the past weeks made me feel I hate myself or my life, it was after all only work, and I knew all I needed to do was to turn off my laptop and then I'd be a person, somebody's friend and a walk around the city would remind me that life and the world are beautiful.
I only have a few hours left until my flight to Germany departs, and the feeling of loneliness, of sadness and almost depression is already here: I never imagined that I would willingly board a flight to hell, and that is in my opinion what I will do in a few hours. In less than 24 hours I will be back at work, I will be in a country where nobody cares, where rules are the only way to go, and in which my closest acquaintances are household devices: my TV, my wash machine, my computers, and my closest friend is my beautiful and loyal car. Obviously there are people there I care for, but I often struggle to see if I can call them friends or not.
For most people there this country is not paradise, and neither is it for me. A friend here asked me yesterday if I like something specific here. I told him that more than like or being blinded by the green of the other side is how I feel ok with myself: I do see the problems I can face if I move here, I see that not everything are advantages, and that disadvantages will come in multiple ways: work benefits, vacation, medical insurance, ease to travel, but that I am willing to get into that because the good side is much more meaningful than all the drawbacks I see. I see the faults, the problems, but I still wanna give it a try.
However, whether or not this place is paradise, it is for sure not hell, and in my eyes it is heaven.
Flight 423, a flight to hell I will board today.

Productivity

As I child I learnt form my parents that the only definition of productivity is to have the day full of activities: school, homework, sports etc. I used to spend my afternoons after school either with the kids in my building playing or reading books.
I still have that definition of productivity in my head, although I not fully agree with it, and frequently I create a weekend or day plan, where I plot all activities and tasks I want to perform in the weekend or day.
This weekend was one of those weekends with a plan: I had a total of 23 activities planned, completed 21 yesterday and one today (the one I have left was not possible due to German law: It is forbidden to wash a car on Sunday, go figure the stupidity of this country... On sunday you are not allowed to be loud, or wash your car, but you are allowed to vacuum your car, which is loud). Now, while watching TV I asked myself if not having any time free is really to be productivity, and I must admit that since I finished High School I have learnt that there are other types of productivity, mostly, recharging energy.
I now also consider a lazy afternoon productive, and sleeping long on a weekend is in my eyes one of the most productive activities of the week. I would however not consider it productive to sleep every day in.
Productivity in my eyes is that fine balance between completing all the tasks that are needed and enjoying your free time and recharging energy for the new week or simply for the time that lies ahead.
My apartment is now clean, my laundry done, my car clean inside (yeah...), and my clothes and food for work tomorrow ready. Right now I am trying to decide whether to study or play on facebook. What will provide me more enjoyment? What will make me feel the most fulfilled? One of those questions I often ask myself. 

Almost there

The countdown started long time ago, and now it's finally getting close to zero: t-16 until my next vacation starts, 16 days until I disconnect from work for 9 days and allow myself to be just the crazy, uncomplicated and impulsive girl I still am, and who does not exist while at work.
The last 2 months I have fully dedicated to work, there have been few moments for myself, even during my days off I have worked in documents, had phone calls with colleagues and more often than I'm proud to recognize, downloaded my emails to avoid not being informed about what has happened at work during my absence.
When I assume responsibility for something I throw myself fully into it, mostly when this responsibility involves not only me, but also my colleagues. When it goes only about me I tend to be a slacker and either let things accumulate or simply don't do it. Work is different, like school used to be while I was at school. I am still human however, and whether or not I want to recognize it, I cannot give my best for an unlimited period of time without giving myself a real break, flying somewhere far from work where I have no computer access nor am reachable over my phone, where I am partially forced to disconnect and disengage from work.
I am almost there, my vacation will start in exactly 16 days 10 hours. that is when my train to the airport departs, where I will catch a flight to the Middle East.
Life in Germany forces a maximum amount of hours worked in average over a period of time. I blew my average in the summer, and now since 3 weeks I am under observation by HR, as I have to reduce the average. It has been a stressful month of going to work for a few hours and completing my work offline, attending calls from home and reducing the internet usage. Only few days to go this month, and I am almost there. I won't get into green area by the end of the month, but I will no longer be in red. It will be yellow, and it will fix itself during my vacation. Almost there, when I come back I will no longer require to go to HR regularly and ask how to manage time, whether it is ok to work only 5 hours a day, and whether this has an impact at the end. When I come back from vacation I will have taken all my compensation days, my account will be clean, ready to take the crazy overtime awaiting for me in November.
October will be a special month: I will come to peace with myself by allowing myself to be human, to relax, laugh and meet people. I will go to a country I have wanted to go since I met E. in college, who nine years later still counts as one of my best friends. I will re-take my test for grad school, while in my beloved Boston, as I will also be there part of the month: 12 days in total, my longest stay there since college. I will visit professors from my undergrad time, who are willing to give me recommendation letters, and I will spend time with E., L., V., M., and B., those amazing friends I miss every day, those who met me as a shy18 or 19 year old, and who grew with me into grown ups, each of us with their job, following their dreams and working for their futures. All of these will happen as of the day I fly to the Middle East. I am almost there. Only 16 days 10 hours to go.

Letter to a friend

Dear friend,

Every time I try to start this letter, I find myself wondering how I can start it. So many things to say, to explain, and in some aspect, so many things to apologize for.
As you might know, last week I "celebrated" my 5th anniversary in the company and in Germany. The last 5 years have not been easy for me, and while I did try to adapt to the new country and environment, I never fully felt I was in the right place.This country is too cold and disciplined for me: there are rules for everything, every person lives for him or herself, and expecting a hello on the street is more than utopic. It might seem like a contradiction coming from a person like me: somebody who wanted to enter either a nonnery or the military, a latina who does not see herself as such, and who has since her early childhood had the tendency to an extreme independent life. I guess we, humans, are made of contradictions. I do love discipline, and the time I spend with myself, I do also believe I have in me more of a latina than I have ever realized, or wanted to aknowledge.
We met in the past 5 years, and over time our friendship became a pilar in my life: you became one of the few people I felt I could be myself with, somebody I felt I could confide when I did not want to work, or when I was simply sad or tired. Our friendship meant and means a lot for me. Please don't forget it.
I never fully caught the life train over the past five years: I left time go by and focussed on work, I saw how, aorund me, people found the right partners for them, and only dreamt of one day finding mine, while the words I spoke were something like "I am to big of a coward to try" or "I don't believe in love". Most of those around me moved on, started their own families and their eyes expressed their happiness, mine, similar to my words, only expressed the amount of work I had, and how much I often felt out of place. I am sorry I never told you how happy it made me to see you happy, I am sorry I never told you I wished one day in the future, in my future, I could follow your steps and find my own source of happiness, I am sorry I never told you I envied you for daring to jump on the life train on time, and move on with it. I really am.
A few months ago I made a decision, I want and will fight my way to return to that one place where I once lived and felt alive: the city where I go out and enjoy being there, where I feel free, where all the mad rules don't come over to me as limitations of my own freedom, but as guidelines to enable a better community feeling. Maybe, when I expressed my decision, and the reasons that are foundations for the decision I hurt you. Trust me, I never meant to. Like I said, our friendship means a lot to me. It is true I feel extremly lonely here in Germany, and it is also true every time I can I go see my friends from Uni. I promise you, the why the time I spend with them means so much for me was not that you were not a good enough friend to me, the reason was (and is) that they are in a similar stage in life than I am.
As you know, my decision to go back there is taken, I am preparing school applications, and have officially requested my relocation and localization there as of next summer. If I had a free wish I would take you with me there, as I want our friendship to remain there. I am now too old to believe in fairy tales, and thus I know that I might not see you more than 5-10 times more in my entire life. I do hope though, that you remember that there was once a colleague to whom you were an amazing friend, and who would have been there for you any time. For those I care for I'd give it all, as my my friend's happiness is very important for me.
I am working hard in setting myself on the "right" path, in bringing myself back to that wonderful city I love and to which I belong. This however does not mean, I don't care about those who have made my time in Germany bearable.
We might have different cultural backgrounds, we might have different understandings of friendship, of loyalty, of life in general. This, however, I see as part of life, and while sometimes it may hurt, it only hurts because the friendship matters.
Take care my friend, I will miss you a lot.

M.