Fahrerflucht

Germany is the land of rules: There is a rule for everything, and while I refuse to read the entire book of regulations, I often feel there must also be a rule for when you are allowed to just be alive.
Yesterday I broke a rule that I didn't know was one: on my way home from work there had been an accident to my right, so I went left to avoid going over the closed area of the accident. A car came on the opposite lane to mine on my left, so I drove carefully, paying attention to my left to avoid an accident. This caused me to oversee some traffic cones on my right, which I hit. When I felt the impact I looked on the rear miror and saw 2 cones flying. In my head and world, hitting a (or in this case 2) traffic cone is not a car accident, so I kept driving.
Once at home the door rang: it was the police coming to inform me that I had had an accident and left without being authorized to do so by the police, and an official report had been filed by the authorities. They had taken a look at my car and seen there were 2 marks of the cones, and I was free to give them my version, if I wished so. The consequences can be to lose my license, and or a fine, there will be an official process opened, and a judge will decide what my punishment should be.
I must wonder how things work here. I can't understand how hitting a traffic cone and not calling the police is against the law, and I must also sadly realize that it doesn't matter how long I have been in this country, and how hard I try to always be within the law (when I fly to Europe I don't even bring more cigarettes than what I am allowed to), I will never understand the rules, the country or the people.
After the police departed yesterday, once they had written down my version and checked my driving license, passport and property card of my car, I could only reassure myself that my decision to leave this country and return to my beloved Boston is the right one. It's been 6 months since I requested the move, school applications are in and in 2-3 months I should hear back from the schools. This won't last forever, and yet I'm afraid of going on the street, driving, and just existing in a country in which I clearly don't belong. A country where I feel overwhelmed every time I want to get something done. My time here is coming to an end, and I can only wait until the end comes.

A flight to Hell

It is funny how vacation feels, and how it comes and goes.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I went on vacation, and while it has not been a full time vacation, it has been relaxing, the days I have worked have felt like a regular day, with much lower stress levels than when I am in Germany. However, the most important part is that it has been 3 weeks during which I have been myself full time: I have been happy, have felt I belong to this planet, and that there is a life besides work. Not even the biggest challenges at work over the past weeks made me feel I hate myself or my life, it was after all only work, and I knew all I needed to do was to turn off my laptop and then I'd be a person, somebody's friend and a walk around the city would remind me that life and the world are beautiful.
I only have a few hours left until my flight to Germany departs, and the feeling of loneliness, of sadness and almost depression is already here: I never imagined that I would willingly board a flight to hell, and that is in my opinion what I will do in a few hours. In less than 24 hours I will be back at work, I will be in a country where nobody cares, where rules are the only way to go, and in which my closest acquaintances are household devices: my TV, my wash machine, my computers, and my closest friend is my beautiful and loyal car. Obviously there are people there I care for, but I often struggle to see if I can call them friends or not.
For most people there this country is not paradise, and neither is it for me. A friend here asked me yesterday if I like something specific here. I told him that more than like or being blinded by the green of the other side is how I feel ok with myself: I do see the problems I can face if I move here, I see that not everything are advantages, and that disadvantages will come in multiple ways: work benefits, vacation, medical insurance, ease to travel, but that I am willing to get into that because the good side is much more meaningful than all the drawbacks I see. I see the faults, the problems, but I still wanna give it a try.
However, whether or not this place is paradise, it is for sure not hell, and in my eyes it is heaven.
Flight 423, a flight to hell I will board today.

Productivity

As I child I learnt form my parents that the only definition of productivity is to have the day full of activities: school, homework, sports etc. I used to spend my afternoons after school either with the kids in my building playing or reading books.
I still have that definition of productivity in my head, although I not fully agree with it, and frequently I create a weekend or day plan, where I plot all activities and tasks I want to perform in the weekend or day.
This weekend was one of those weekends with a plan: I had a total of 23 activities planned, completed 21 yesterday and one today (the one I have left was not possible due to German law: It is forbidden to wash a car on Sunday, go figure the stupidity of this country... On sunday you are not allowed to be loud, or wash your car, but you are allowed to vacuum your car, which is loud). Now, while watching TV I asked myself if not having any time free is really to be productivity, and I must admit that since I finished High School I have learnt that there are other types of productivity, mostly, recharging energy.
I now also consider a lazy afternoon productive, and sleeping long on a weekend is in my eyes one of the most productive activities of the week. I would however not consider it productive to sleep every day in.
Productivity in my eyes is that fine balance between completing all the tasks that are needed and enjoying your free time and recharging energy for the new week or simply for the time that lies ahead.
My apartment is now clean, my laundry done, my car clean inside (yeah...), and my clothes and food for work tomorrow ready. Right now I am trying to decide whether to study or play on facebook. What will provide me more enjoyment? What will make me feel the most fulfilled? One of those questions I often ask myself. 

Almost there

The countdown started long time ago, and now it's finally getting close to zero: t-16 until my next vacation starts, 16 days until I disconnect from work for 9 days and allow myself to be just the crazy, uncomplicated and impulsive girl I still am, and who does not exist while at work.
The last 2 months I have fully dedicated to work, there have been few moments for myself, even during my days off I have worked in documents, had phone calls with colleagues and more often than I'm proud to recognize, downloaded my emails to avoid not being informed about what has happened at work during my absence.
When I assume responsibility for something I throw myself fully into it, mostly when this responsibility involves not only me, but also my colleagues. When it goes only about me I tend to be a slacker and either let things accumulate or simply don't do it. Work is different, like school used to be while I was at school. I am still human however, and whether or not I want to recognize it, I cannot give my best for an unlimited period of time without giving myself a real break, flying somewhere far from work where I have no computer access nor am reachable over my phone, where I am partially forced to disconnect and disengage from work.
I am almost there, my vacation will start in exactly 16 days 10 hours. that is when my train to the airport departs, where I will catch a flight to the Middle East.
Life in Germany forces a maximum amount of hours worked in average over a period of time. I blew my average in the summer, and now since 3 weeks I am under observation by HR, as I have to reduce the average. It has been a stressful month of going to work for a few hours and completing my work offline, attending calls from home and reducing the internet usage. Only few days to go this month, and I am almost there. I won't get into green area by the end of the month, but I will no longer be in red. It will be yellow, and it will fix itself during my vacation. Almost there, when I come back I will no longer require to go to HR regularly and ask how to manage time, whether it is ok to work only 5 hours a day, and whether this has an impact at the end. When I come back from vacation I will have taken all my compensation days, my account will be clean, ready to take the crazy overtime awaiting for me in November.
October will be a special month: I will come to peace with myself by allowing myself to be human, to relax, laugh and meet people. I will go to a country I have wanted to go since I met E. in college, who nine years later still counts as one of my best friends. I will re-take my test for grad school, while in my beloved Boston, as I will also be there part of the month: 12 days in total, my longest stay there since college. I will visit professors from my undergrad time, who are willing to give me recommendation letters, and I will spend time with E., L., V., M., and B., those amazing friends I miss every day, those who met me as a shy18 or 19 year old, and who grew with me into grown ups, each of us with their job, following their dreams and working for their futures. All of these will happen as of the day I fly to the Middle East. I am almost there. Only 16 days 10 hours to go.

Letter to a friend

Dear friend,

Every time I try to start this letter, I find myself wondering how I can start it. So many things to say, to explain, and in some aspect, so many things to apologize for.
As you might know, last week I "celebrated" my 5th anniversary in the company and in Germany. The last 5 years have not been easy for me, and while I did try to adapt to the new country and environment, I never fully felt I was in the right place.This country is too cold and disciplined for me: there are rules for everything, every person lives for him or herself, and expecting a hello on the street is more than utopic. It might seem like a contradiction coming from a person like me: somebody who wanted to enter either a nonnery or the military, a latina who does not see herself as such, and who has since her early childhood had the tendency to an extreme independent life. I guess we, humans, are made of contradictions. I do love discipline, and the time I spend with myself, I do also believe I have in me more of a latina than I have ever realized, or wanted to aknowledge.
We met in the past 5 years, and over time our friendship became a pilar in my life: you became one of the few people I felt I could be myself with, somebody I felt I could confide when I did not want to work, or when I was simply sad or tired. Our friendship meant and means a lot for me. Please don't forget it.
I never fully caught the life train over the past five years: I left time go by and focussed on work, I saw how, aorund me, people found the right partners for them, and only dreamt of one day finding mine, while the words I spoke were something like "I am to big of a coward to try" or "I don't believe in love". Most of those around me moved on, started their own families and their eyes expressed their happiness, mine, similar to my words, only expressed the amount of work I had, and how much I often felt out of place. I am sorry I never told you how happy it made me to see you happy, I am sorry I never told you I wished one day in the future, in my future, I could follow your steps and find my own source of happiness, I am sorry I never told you I envied you for daring to jump on the life train on time, and move on with it. I really am.
A few months ago I made a decision, I want and will fight my way to return to that one place where I once lived and felt alive: the city where I go out and enjoy being there, where I feel free, where all the mad rules don't come over to me as limitations of my own freedom, but as guidelines to enable a better community feeling. Maybe, when I expressed my decision, and the reasons that are foundations for the decision I hurt you. Trust me, I never meant to. Like I said, our friendship means a lot to me. It is true I feel extremly lonely here in Germany, and it is also true every time I can I go see my friends from Uni. I promise you, the why the time I spend with them means so much for me was not that you were not a good enough friend to me, the reason was (and is) that they are in a similar stage in life than I am.
As you know, my decision to go back there is taken, I am preparing school applications, and have officially requested my relocation and localization there as of next summer. If I had a free wish I would take you with me there, as I want our friendship to remain there. I am now too old to believe in fairy tales, and thus I know that I might not see you more than 5-10 times more in my entire life. I do hope though, that you remember that there was once a colleague to whom you were an amazing friend, and who would have been there for you any time. For those I care for I'd give it all, as my my friend's happiness is very important for me.
I am working hard in setting myself on the "right" path, in bringing myself back to that wonderful city I love and to which I belong. This however does not mean, I don't care about those who have made my time in Germany bearable.
We might have different cultural backgrounds, we might have different understandings of friendship, of loyalty, of life in general. This, however, I see as part of life, and while sometimes it may hurt, it only hurts because the friendship matters.
Take care my friend, I will miss you a lot.

M.
 

Peck's quote

"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." ~ M. Scott Peck

M. Scott Peck was an american psychiatrist born in New York. Through his adult life he worked in theories in the areas of Discipline, Love, Neurotic and Legitimate suffering, Evil, Love, and Community. The quote written at the beginning of this entry belongs to the work he did in the area of discipline, and while looking at it I find myself trying to decide whether I agree with it or not.
When it comes to the plain definition of discipline, I am considered by my peers and by myself as a disciplined person. I am, however, an amazing procastinator, and generally discipline and procastination are considered opposites to each other.
Is the fact that I procastinate often a sign, that I do not value my time? I know that every time I watch TV or play bubble games on facebook after work, instead of doing my homework for school or studying for the GRE I am not making the best of my time. As an overachiever I am, I am also aware that this procastination will put me in a stress situation when the deadlines (Exams) approach, as I am far behind where I should be, and I will not be ok with leaving any of the 7 subjects unfinished before the exam. 
On the other hand there is the factor "time". Time is sacred, it is a scarce ressource and this I have known since my early teens. I consider puntuality extremly important, and a sign of respect to every person and their time. Any 15 minutes spent waiting for somebody at the door of a station is time that we will not get back, it will be gone. While over the last couple of years I have became more relaxed with punctuality (sometimes I am late), I do tell the people I am meeting in advance of my delay, so they can decide whether to wait or to do something else while I arrive. 
Time is not only to be taken into account when it comes to puntuality, and it influences others. Time is also of importance in each persons personal life. This is the area where I have not yet mastered the art of respecting it. With the amount of commitments I make to myself and to friends and work (Work over weekends, fly to different countries for friends' weddings, full time student), I should be disciplined to ensure I can enjoy some free time regularly, without considering it procastination. Despite the fact that I make schedules, set my alarm to wake up early, and tell myself on my way from work that I will study in the evenings, I almost never do so, and frequently I spend the last nights before a deadline working without breaks to complete my commitments. 
Going back to Peck's quote, I need to admit that I don't value my free time enough, to be disciplined with my commitments and complete them on time, instead of crunching them over a few days. I however disagree partially with the "not value yourself" part. I believe I vale myself, I consider myself capable of reaching (academic and laboral) goals, and I set the line for myself high, ensuring I grow in those two areas permanently. In my personal life I will have to agree with Peck: I do not value my personal life and time enough to be disciplined with it: Weekends, free time and Sleep are overrated in my eyes, and I get frequently sick because my body simply goes into exhaustion. 
I often think of ways to defeat the procastination and be more disciplined with the ongoing work, to avoid crunching things at the end. Peck's words show me that this goal is fully in my hands: I only need to learnt to value myself also in my personal life. Then I will give the value to it that it deserves, and ensure that I get the free time for activities I wish to take part in, and which do not contribute to my career or academic life.

August 4th

Today is Saturday August the 4th, and while drinking my coffee to go to the office (yes, on Saturday), I started thinking about the date. Today is the birthday of one of my best and oldest friends, a friend I have called a total of 19 times in the last 20 years for his birthday, also a friend who I know would not forget my birthday, and I can always count on. 

T. and I met in "Basico" (First grade), and were mad rivals for many years. We were back then the best students in our class, and raced through our Spanish and Math books, ahead of our classmates. We were not real friends in school, but the rivalry between uo turned into friendship, and has lasted for 2 decades. 

Every year I spent my summer holidays with my parents in Germany, and every August 4th I waited until 2 pm German time, to go to a phone boot and using 5DM coins (or coins from whichever country we were in), call him and wish him a happy birthday. Many times I woke him up, his parents knew I was calling from overseas. 

5 years ago I was in China, more specifically in Shigatse (Tibet). In my trip diary an entry on August 4th says "Despues de la comida fui a llamar a T., que estaba cumpliendo años. El no estaba en Bogotá, pero su papá me dió su celular y lo llamé. Vaya sorpresa que se llevó".  Only once in the last 20 years we have not talked on the phone on his birthday, 4 years ago. August 4th 4 years ago I was with my father in Tanzania, and the trek to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro started at midnight that day. Since I knew we were going to be in a place where it was not possible to make a phone call, I asked a friend in the US to send him a message in my name. 
T and I both understand and have lived in cultures different than the one we grew up in, we both feel we belong somewhere different than Bogotá, and we have the same understanding of friendship, something I have discovered is not necessary the case with people I am friends, that I have met over the past years. 
I don't know where he will be in 5 years (I hope London or Berlin), nor where I will be in 5 years (I hope Boston), however, I know that today in 5 years I will be calling him, and wishing him a happy birthday. It is great to have such a great friend, and it is even better to know that the friendship has now lasted 20 years, surviving our teenager years, and our first steps in an independent life, which is a good omen for the friendship.