Questions, questions, and more questions

It's been a long time since I last sat to write. I've been tempted to do so quite frequently, but work, and life in general have taken over my life.

I wonder often, why I give up those activities that I enjoy the most: learning a language, writting, playing Nintendo, or going for rides on my bike or car.

Is work really that important? Or am I taking that feared and easy route, Marco always warned me not to take? "The easiest way is not always the best way" he used to tell me. Back then we were in college, living in Shelton Hall, and in my case, living new and exciting adventures every day. There were also "bad" days, and those were the days I heard his words.

Years have gone by, Shelton was Sophomore year, 2004-2005, and we have all grown up, at least according to our ID cards...

Why, you might wonder, am I coming back to his words? This is one of the many questions this blogs refers to.

I have gone through hell in the past weeks: Found out about new taxes I have to pay, had to change my main residency, and with it all my paperwork (car, insurance, residency and work permit, etc), got sick with a nose-ear-throat infection, and couldn't afford time off, so flew to Warsaw and worked 12 hours a day while sick. My mom got sick and I had no way of being in touch with my family, my suitcase got lost on the way from Warsaw and I found myself locked out of my apartment, and not to forget, a wasp-nest in my appartment. I even managed to oversee a stop sign while driving and get caught by the police, which, in Germany, is almost impossible.Honestly, can't be to far from hell, or Murphy's world.

Why does this all happen? My boss sometimes laughs and says that he knows I'm not telling lies with all these stories, as noone could come up with all of it. It just happens, life happens.

And just as life happens in the daily situations, and work becomes a safe environment to escape anything else that could be happening, life also happens in other, less evident to the public, aspects.

Being a workoholic I am escaping the loneliness that surrounds me, and the questions that are always on my mind. Work is the easiest route, but is it the safest?

El valor de los excéntricos

Cada día, todos y cada uno de nosotros nos cruzamos con un número considerable de personas: En el colegio, en el trabajo, en la calle, o en un ascensor.
La gran mayoría de estos extraños serán olvidados pocos segundos después del encuentro, mas unos pocos atraerán nuestra atención, y serán recordados por periodos de tiempo mas largos.
Quienes son estos extraños, que permanecen en nuestra memoria, aún sin haber cruzado una palabra con nosotros?
Todos tienen un denominador común: son especiales.
Pero, cómo describir en pocas palabras el ser especial?
Describirlos no es fácil, ya que hay un número indeterminado de formas de ser especial.
La apariencia física y forma de vestir es una de ellas. Si el hombre en la fila de adelante en el teatro mide más de dos metros, al llegar a casa lo recordaremos más fácilmente que si midiera 1,70 metros.
La forma de expresarse es también una característica especial: Aquel que se expresa con un lenguaje grandilocuente, o con un jergón incomprensible, quedará en nuestra memoria por más tiempo que aquel cuyo lenguaje corresponde a lo que nosotros consideramos común.
Una forma más de ser especial es siendo excéntrico, siendo un "Aussensteher". Y es precisamente este grupo aquel al que con mayor firmeza y dureza juzgamos.
Un exéntrico es con frecuencia el blanco de burlas, ó de lástima, y en unas pocas oportunidades, un ser admirado. Ejemplos de excéntricos son los "nerds" y los hermitaños, y en algunos lugares, las personas que provienen de una cultura diferente, e incomprendida.
La pregunta que surge es entonces, qué factores determinan si un excéntrico entra en el grupo de burlas, o de lástima, o en el de admiración?
Asumiendo una escala del 1 al 5, en el que 1 corresponde a blanco de burlas, y 5 a centro de admiración, los excéntricos que obtienen un 5 son generalmente muy cultos e inteligentes. Albert Einstein, y Madame Curie, son ejemplos de este grupo. Los dos fueron excéntricos en su tiempo, pero dejaron un legado a la humanidad, y aún en su época fueron admirados por grupos de la sociedad.
Quienes obtienen un 1 en la escala suelen ser personas tímidas, solitarias, de inteligencia lógico-racional promedio, e inteligencia social baja.
Saberse uno un excéntrico ayuda a sobrellevar las burlas, y las expresiones de lástima, a seguir adelante y a no darse por vencido. Mas ser un excéntrico promedio lleva a grandes incertidumbres, a con frecuencia a lágrimas. Qué valor tenemos para el mundo, quienes somos excéntricos promedio, y por lo tanto ni somos parte real de la sociedad, ni tenemos la capacidad de dejar una huella en el mundo? No hay un valor obvio que pueda ser visto en esta situación.
Somos considerados ejemplos sobre como no guiar una vida? Tenemos una función? Para Aristóteles todos los seres tienden a cumplir una función que les es propia, pero esta no es fácil de ver.
Vivimos en un mundo de clasificaciones, y buscamos, como todos, nuestro lugar y función en la vida. El no encontrar este lugar o función conlleva a sentirnos inútiles, estorbos, y nos puede llevar a considerar diferentes maneras de ponerle fin a la situación. Solo la fortaleza interna, y aquellos a quienes queremos, nos mantienen, y la esperanza de encontrar este lugar.
Que si los excéntricos tienen valor? Sí. lo tienen. Bien sea como seres admirables, o como aquellos que día a día luchan por seguir adelante, y encontrar su lugar.

Airth, Mayo 31, 2010

Infierno

Al buscar la palabra infierno en el Diccionario de la lengua española, encuentra uno el origen de la palabra, y cerca de 11 significados que puede tener, sin incluir los usos idiomáticos que se le puede dar a la palabra.
La pregunta que viene a la mente es, ¿Qué me llevó a buscar esta palabra, cuyo significado puede parecer obvio, en un diccionario?
La primera respuesta que me viene a la mente es que tuve lo que se llama un "Día de Perros", el señor Murphy demostró su omnipotencia, y mi mente me jugó con ello una mala pasada.
De todas las definiciones que el diccionario me ofrece, la primera es la que más aplica:

1. m. Rel. Lugar donde los condenados sufren, después de la muerte, castigo eterno.(https://www.rae.es)

Mi día de perros me llevó de regreso a ese lugar, pero aún no comprendo la condena que estoy pagando.
Al acabar el Colegio e irme de Bogotá, creí haber dejado el infierno atrás: Ya no tenía que madrugar a ver a quienes me acabaron psicológicamente cuando niña, y me hicieron una adolescente insegura, y una adulta hoy en día solitaria. Ya no tendría que, día a día soportar sus burlas, pretendiendo una fortaleza que nunca he tenido, y permitiendo que me "usaran" a su gusto, tan sólo para pasar unas horas, ó unos minutos en compañía.

Han pasado casi 7 años desde el día que el rector del colegio me negó, durante la ceremonia de grado, los premios que me correspondían por rendimiento académico (El profesor que estaba encargado de leer los nombres durante la ceremonia confirmó este dato), lo que para mi, después de 12 años de vejaciones, constituyó la mayor de las humillaciones. Ese fue también el día en que decidí, definitivamente, abandonar Colombia para en lo posible no regresar con vida (Aunque muchos creen que la decisión llevaba años tomada,sólo la tomé durante esa ceremonia).
Han pasado 7 años, durante los cuales me he dedicado a conocerme a mí misma, a descifrar mis propios sueños y metas, y, en alguna medida, lo he logrado.

Sin embargo, el pasado no desaparece fácilmente, y el día de hoy me llevó de regreso al colegio, a llorar de rabia, a odiarme a mí misma, y a mi vida. Me llevó de nuevo a tratar de entender mi cometido en esta vida, y a preguntarme ¿Qué hice en mis vidas pasadas, para no lograr salir del infierno?

La undécima definición de la palabra es:
11. m. Cuba. Cierto juego de naipes.(https://www.rae.es)
Quisiera que mi infierno fuera tan sólo eso, un juego de naipes...

Posdata: Es la primera vez en 4 años que escribo en español, intentando cumplir con la gramática y ortografía españolas. Espero no sea doloroso a los ojos de quienes aún conocen las reglas ortográficas y gramaticales del idioma. :)

Memories Part 1: Pre-School

When out with friends or colleagues, conversations often go into memories, childhood dreams and experiences people have gone through. I feel unsure on what reaction I should have in those situations, as for good or bad, most of my memories between 1990 and 2004 are gone. I do have clear memories of my pre-school years, as well as some random memories from Kindergarten, elementary, middle and high school. However I have to recognize that given the clear and concise memories I have from when I was 4 years old, I seem to have forgotten most of my childhood and teenager years.
I remember in pre-school, first in Sprendlingen in Germany, and then at "La Hormiguita". I first went to a Kinder in Sprendlingen, Germany. I only went there for about 2 months, when my family was planning on moving back to Germany before I started school, so me and my sister didn't have to change school afterwards and go through the whole leaving friends behind, and so on. I went to the same kinder my older cousin Vanessa visited, she was in her last pre school year and I was allowed to go in her class because I didn't speak German, and she spoke a bit Spanish. We used to play most of the time, and I loved playing in some sorts of tunnels twhere I would hide. ne boy used to make fun of me, and hit me, and I remember one day before school that I told my mom, and she screamed at the boy in Spanish. He never came close to me again. In school we used to take naps, and sometimes paint as well. I was one of the smallest kids in the class, if not the smallest and youngest, and Vanessa often protected me from older kids. After school we used to go home, and then in the afternoons my mom would take me and my sister to the park, where my sister and I would play (and of course scream). We lived back then at my grandmas', and she lived in a last floor. I would always go up the stairs jumping, which caused continuous jelling from my grandmother, as this was disturbing for the neighbors. After some weeks, Vanessa also learnt to jump up the stairs. I must recognize her mother was not pleased at all on the influence I was having in her well educated, quiet, German kid.
After about 2 months my parents decided to go back to Colombia, dad was going to stay some more years in Colombia as an expat, which meant I would start school in Bogota.
Once we got back to Bogota, I started going to "La Hormiguita". I must have been 3 and a half when I first went to la Hosrmiguita, and I remember the girls I always played with, and the doll house in the garden: We were 3 groups of girls who always wanted to play in the house, and we ran when the teahcers opened the door to get it, or try to. The boys used to climb on the outside for the sake of it, while we girls pretended to go grocery shopping (sand!) and to cook and such.
Every morning we would stand behind our chairs and pray, We would oray to the Guardian Angel, and to Virgin Mary.
I also remember I I had difficulties holding the pencil right, so the teacher always put a special rubber form in my pencil, to make me hold it correctly. I remember the day we learnt the days of the week, and some other words related to time. The teacher gave each of us papers where whe had put symbols. Mondays we normally had 'sports' so Monday was represented by a boy who loved to play ball. Wednesdays was arts day, I remember I was representing 'alternating', as my week was alternating between German with Connie and La Hormiguita.
I only went to the Hormiguita 3 times a week, the other 2 days I had German lessons with Connie, Tuesdays my parents drove me to Cota, and Fridays class was in a house in Bogota.
My 4th birthday was celebrated in the Hormiguita, I had a green dress, and my pre-school classmates were all there. The motive for the party was "guri guri", and I got a stuffed guri guri as a present. My neighour, who lived in the 4th floor of the building I lived in, was also there. We never walked together to school, but we often saw talked there. She was a bit older than me, and was sick. I often wonder now if she survived. I was too little to understand why she always wore a hat and seemed not to have hair. As I grew older I understood she had cancer.
I remember a day or two that my sister went with me to the Hormiguita. She had to stay with the younger kids, I was not yet 4, and she was barely 2.
All together I went to the Hormiguita for one year only: School year 88/89. While I was in the Hormiguita I had my admission test to the "Big School": I went 2 days to the Andino, where I was put with other kids I didn't know, and we had people talking to us, time to paint and play, etc. I remember an older man asking me what my drawing was, and watching me put a kids jigsaw together.
I also remember I had Blackberry juice in my lunch box, and I made a mess of my clothes with it. My lunchbox was pink, and the motive was "My little Pony". The classroom in the big school where I was for theh test was the Rabbit, and the teacher's name was Ingrid. The old guy's name was Jorge (Years later I figured out he was the school's psychologist).
After the school year ended we went to Germany for the summer, and once summer vacation was over I started to visit the "big school", the Colegio Andino, where I was a student until I finished High School.

Things I hate

While looking for a picture to give R. tomorrow as a present, I came across a list somebody had written. It was named "100 things I hate" and while reading it, I realized many of the points apply to me as well.
So I decided to start my own list, although I don't believe I can make it to 100 :).
Things I hate, not organized in any meaningful way, but simply in the order they occur to me.
1-People who drive below the speed limit during rush hour (be real, you are an obstacle and everybody who is behind you is most likely in a hurry)
2-Elderly people who go shopping in the evenings (Well, yes you might feel lonely, but those of us who work to pay YOUR monthly allowance have to wake up early to go work, to make money for you, and would love if, once we leave work, we can make our shopping and go home and rest. You do nothing all day, please go shopping when we are working)
3-Stay home mummies who go shopping in the evenings (We don't think your baby's screaming is cute, so leave it home or go when we are not around)
4-Parents who have no control on their kids (I don't give a sh** if you have a headache and your kid is bored in the airplane, your kid, your problem, and if you can't handle the kid, at least get it drunk so it doen't bother the rest of us)
5-People who stay on the sidewalk to talk and don't ,ove when others get there, also applies in doors, hallways, stairs, etc. (Very nice that you have met your friend unexpectedly, now go grab a chair and a table and get out of my way)
6-Peple who think that the country I was born in determines how I behave (get real and lose your stupidity, there is a reason why I left the country and didn't return after college)
7-People who have no common sense (If I walk away every time you come close to me, and I ignore you when you talk to me it means I don't want you to talk or come close to me! Get it!)
8-Mediocre people (If you have a brain, use it. If you don't, go away)
9-People who are not punctual (My time is as important as yours, if you don't respect it, don't expect me to respect yours)
10-Young people-under 55- who don't give their seats to elderly, small children or pregnant women (This is a society and whether or not you like it, some people need the seat more than you. Get your ass up, you have healthy legs and no baby in your belly)
11-People who don't say their opinion and feel humiliated when you make a decision they disagree with (you have a mouth and know how to articulate words. Use your mouth and say what you think. I'm not your mother nor your therapist to interpret your body language)
12-People who complain about progress, yet drive a car, have an iphone and are connected to internet all the time (If you hate progress, don't use technology, if you use technology, stop the bullshit)
13-People who listen to music in trains or on the street without earphones, also applies to people at work who don't mute their phone and computer (I don't care what music you like, how many ringtones you have, or how often you get a communicator message or an email. Be quiet and keep your crap for yourself)
14-People who complain about the government, yet decide not to vote because it is too crowded (Your vote gives you a right to complain, so if you don't vote, shut the fu** up)
15-People who don't dress appropriately for work (I don't care what you want to dress like, if you come to work, I don't wanna see your tatoos, your boops or your boxers)
16- People who adjust their opinion depending on the audience, or change their opinion during a conversation by saying "yes, that's what I mean" (If you don't have an opnion of your own, don't say anything. If you have ne, defend it)
17- People who go through life without noticing anything around it (Again, this is a society, be part of it. At least read the news)
18- People who judge others without knowing the background (Do you think you know what my life has been like because you have seen me for 5 minutes? What an idi**)
19- People who think they are interesting to others because they have money (Do you think that we don't see your ridiculous face, or hear what you say? There is much more in this planet than money)
20- Guys with long hair and earrings
21- Girls who giggle all the time with that stupid voice that denotes ignorance
22- Electronic music (Its noise for God's sake)
23- Religious extremism
24- People who live of the state and make 3 months vacation a year (I pay your food, and I can't afford such a vacation, WTF)
25- Thieves
26- Travelers who disrespect the culture of the country they are visiting ( You are the guest, be respectful, if they don't like pictures, don't make them!)
27- Repeated mistakes (it happened once, learn from it)
28-Excel files that have over 4 colors (If you want to use a code, make it clear and concise, if you like to color your work, become an artist)
29- Rats, mice and any animal that has more than 4 legs.
30-ALLERGIES
31- People whose brains have no furniture (maybe they sold the brain...)
32- Unwelcomed advice
33- Rpeated questions (If you asked once and I didn't answer, get the hint)
34- People that have no dreams (Life is a dream, the more you dream and fight for your dreams, the more you live)
35- Email chains (No, I don't care if I die at noon, I won't forward it, nor will I read it. Get a hobby)
36- People who say an author is bad because the movie of the book was boring (Books and Movies are NOT the same, if you want to hate the writer, read the book)
37- Driving in the city
38- Parking in the city
39- Speed limits
40- Trucks
41- "Yes men"
42- Salads

Yeah, I can't come up with moer right now :) Maybe I will continue it some day...

Home

I often write here about life, about my thoughts and feelings.
Today I want to talk about home. Where is home? Home is where you feel the most comfortable, where you can be yourself without the fear of being judged. throught my life I have lived in many places: My parent's house back in Bogota, my dorms when I was in college in Boston, the house in Dreieich, my appartments in Sulzbach and my appartment in Koeln. Not to forget also my host family's house in Husum. Now the question is: were all those places "home"? Is home the place where you live?
I have came to realize that although there is a relation, it is not always like that. Some of the dorms I lived in never felt as home, and the first appartment I lived in when I came to Germany wasn't home either. However, most of the places I have lived in after I left Bogota have been home, and the house in Dreieich to.
I find that any place that has been home remains home, although there is a rating for the level of home it is: Some places are home due to the memories they bring, but while there behavious needs to be adjusted, other places are home, because the absolute freedom is there.
Home is a safe place, is a place where you can think, and plan your life. Home is where (like my father says) you bring your dirty laundry to.
It took me a while to get used to life in Germany, but eventually it became home. Top home for me is now my appartment in Koeln, the place where I spend the most of my free time (and part of my work time), the place that I am decorationg to my wish, and the place I am proud of.
Bogota and Dreieich, and also my host family's house will remain home, but to a lower degree. Home is now Germany.

Citizenship

Often, when I have met someone at work, or when somebody hears me speak, I get the "Where are you from?" question. I often struggle when answering, and this confuses me.
Where am I from? Should the answer mention the country I was born in? Should the answer be the country I feel the most comfortable in? Should the answer be the place I feel I belong to? Or should it be the country that gave me the passport I travel and live on?
It might sound strange, but the answers to these questions differ from one to another.
I was born in Bogota, Colombia, and lived there until I finished High School. Through High School all I could think off was how to get out of that country, how to move somewhere, and forget about Colombia. I even asked my parents to send me to boarding school, but my parents refused as my mom went for some time to such a school and hated it. So I was stuck in Colombia til I finished High School, and was 18 years old.
My father is Spanishm and by birth I received Spanish citizenship. I use this as my identification, travel on the Spanish passport, and for all practical means I write "Spanish" under citizenship. I have never lived in Spain, but I hold the passport.
I moved to Boston, Mass., and attended college there. I loved my life there. It was like any life, filled with good and bad moments, but the struggle to live and be there was not present, and I felt at home there more than I ever did in Colombia.
After finishing college, and not being able to get a job there due to my beloved birthplace, I moved to Germany, where I have been for the last two and a half years. I have gotten used to my life here, and somehow, what I did not expect to ever happen, have started to settle down: I got my car, my big and beautiful appartment, furniture, and pretty much everything that belongs to a home except for the pet. I feel comfortable here, and I can see myself here in many years.

But how to answer the question? Yes, I am Colombian by birth, I am Bostoninan (not US American) by heart, I am Spanish by passport, and I am German by life (also by attitude according to many).
My answer to the question is normally "I was born in Colombia, and am half Spanish". It makes little sense. However, giving the whole answer would make even less sense. I am a citizen of the world.